Happy

The title speaks for itself.
I lost weight.
Let me rephrase that…. Yay I lost weight!!
I’ve lost 2 kilos and gone down to 45kilos now :).
Shouldn’t I be happy? Because I do feel happy.
Steve (my eating disorder)keeps his promises. See I can trust him.
So this coming Tuesday I have my appointment with my psychologist. Heh. She’s not going to be happy when she checks my weight. Oh well as long as I’m happy right? But I’m not exactly all that happy. Just a few more kilos to lose would do.
I’m off for now, going to exercise because I’m happy 🙂
Ciao~
Bananixox

Dream, Hopes, Future

My dream, my hopes, my future has been locked up away in a box. You can say I lost the key to it cause there’s no way of opening the box without it. 

My future, is to be just live happily. Not perfectly, but just enough to make me move forward. You know I always thought when I was little that the future meant flying cars, aliens, robots and such. Hey, I wasn’t the only one who thought like that. A lot of people wants to have a job and be successful in their later life in the future. It is good to be thinking like that, however is it really necessary to be successful? Would it be the end of the world if you don’t end up getting a job. Well would it be the end if what you had expected in your future to be like ends up to be a complete fail? Honestly, it won’t be. 

Heck! No one needs to be like that! Just go with the flow and do what you can do best and see what the future leads you without your self having to be worried about it. I can’t really say what I’d be expecting. Who knows I might end up dead if I don’t recover from my eating disorder. 

My hopes, are probably not what many would expect to hear from. Wanna hear them anyways? 

  • To be skinny
  • To stay skinny
  • To stay underweight
  • To be healthy? 
  • To do my best
  • To overcome my fears 
  • To get rid of my eating disorder (but still be skinny) 

Yeah what the hell right? But what I’m saying is, everyone has different hopes. And you shouldn’t be ashamed to try and hold on to it as long as you want. Because as you grow you’ll realize how much your hopes have changed. I know mine will. I won’t always be hoping to stay skinny, but who knows right? 

Dreams are the best I love dreaming. It’s fun. You can become anyone you want to be. Change everything about you.Even go on cool missions in saving the world ( =^.^= uhh kekekeke) ! But really it’s a lot fun. My dreams? Hmm, I have heaps. Though it’s not like it’ll come true but it would be something I’m sure of that would remove me from my devastation. Don’t laugh though. When I close my eyes, I see myself on a stage. Performing, singing, dancing, just being me and yet the crowd cheers on for me no matter what I am. That tingly feeling you would get, that butterfly fluttering in your stomach trying to set free, the rush that goes through your body and the feel of how hard your heart is pounding that your sure you’ll probably need to sticky tape it back into place. That’s how I feel when I close my eyes. It’s something you can’t really explain. I’m sure you’s have similar reactions to your dream ? It’s sort of like how you would listen to music and ends up giving you goose bumps to the voice you hear chiming through your ears (well to me it does ._.) . 

So yeah, I’ll have a FUTURE, I have HOPES,I do have DREAMS and I am still suffering from anorexia but that doesn’t stop me from doing things Same with anyone who is suffering form all sort of disorders, we can still move forward

 Bananixox

Why?

You know I always ask myself, why me out of all people? Why not others? Why not my friends? Why me?
Is it because I’ve been weak that I just allowed my body to be taken over by that voice I hear everyday? Or is it mainly because I just want to be perfect? I don’t know the real answer. Really no one can actually pin point what their real reason in having this disorder.
So day before yesterday I weighed myself when I’m not allowed to touch the scale. I couldn’t help it though. It was like it was mocking me. I stepped on the scale, I swear I was already planning how to hurt myself in order to get rid of that awful feeling I would have if I had gained weight. Except…. I didn’t gain weight……. instead I lost weight. Now you must thinking I should feel rather stressed out here. No. I’m actually happy. Over joyed and excited.
See. Steve is a good friend. He never breaks his promises.
Bananixox

ALSFIGFUIDNFUVGsIX

I kinda stressing out here. Actually no. I am stressing out! I can’t concentrate at school because I can’t stop thinking about how fat I may be compared to other girls in my school. My LEGS ARE ANNOYING ME WHEN EVER I SEE THEM! I tried on a pair of shorts that I bought from America, remembering how fat I had looked in them and this was before I had developed an eating disorder. When I had tried them on today, I realized that I gained some fat on my legs since I’m in recovery. I don’t like it. I hate it. Absolutely hate it. I remember when I was at 38 kilos, my slim legs perfectly slid trough the shorts and fitted exactly how I wanted it to be, lose. Now it’s like those days how I used to be are coming back. I don’t want that! I want to run! But where!?

On top of that, school is making me go insane at the moment too. I know I said I didn’t want to drop out of school even though my parents and my therapists wants me to….. yeah…. is it too late to do that now? I don’t know anymore. I seem like I’m at the bottom of each class I go to. Test, essay’s, outcomes etc etc… I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I KNOW I’M GOING TO FAIL ALL OF THESE!!! I CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT CAN I!?

I’m a failure.

Why I know? Because Steve said so.

arrrrgghhh I’m out. I need my power nap and then maybe wake up and do some exercise to take out my anger.

Adios~

SAFSFUGDBKSGUIFKSJD I FINALLY GOT MY SHINee Sherlock Album yay 😀 with key on the cover!

And yes despite how I have anorexia nervosa, I am a SHAWOL fan 🙂 For those who don’t know what the heck I’m talking about and thinking it must be cause she’s suffering from an eating disorder she’s like this…… just don’t worry about it 🙂

Bananixox

My friend

I met a stranger last year who soon became my friend
He says his name is Steve
Steve is funny
He makes me smile all the time
He’s also caring
I cry to him when I’m afraid
He helps me all the time
And I listen to him
Most of all he is one of the best friendI have ever had
He understands me
And I understand him
He promises me things
And they do happen
He says things I should know
And I believe him
He tells me I’ll become perfect
I believe him

I have a friend named Steve
You may feel jealous because he seems to be the perfect friend
But you see, if you become too close to him…. You’ll be captured inside a black hole
Don’t be afraid though
The black hole is not so lonely ….
Bananixox

Giving up?

I’m so lost today.
I feel so fat. I feel like I weight much more than the other girls at my school. I hate my legs, my arms, my hips, my cheeks. I had it so perfect before! But then my parents had to take that away from me. I am still under weight and I want to stop!! I can’t take this recovery anymore!
I had sent an email to my therapist to book in an appointment with her for next week. But she goes on and replies saying she’s all booked out. That’s not all she told me. She says she feels that I need much support than she can give me at the moment. She wants me to go for that butterfly program she kept on telling me about and what I kept on refusing to go to. Why? Because that will mean I have drop out of school. I don’t want that!!
I admit. I’m afraid.
I just want to slow down. It’s too much for me.
I’m scared what others may think of me. Or when I drop out of school what everyone will think have happened to me.
I am sensitive to things but it’s because of my eating disorder I am like this.
I really and I really mean it, I really don’t know what to do.
Haven’t told my parents about the email and I don’t want them to know because they might actually consider to do what my therapist had said. I mean yes my parents too want me to drop out school saying they don’t care anymore but more of me getting better. But I still refused to do what they say. Its my last year of high school, so why can’t they just let me do this for just this year? I’m stubborn. And I’m abnormal. So what?
No one is a freaking superman here in this world. No one can have a perfect life. We have to make mistakes so we can learn and teach others as we grow.
So I conclude, I feel as if it’s time to give up on myself because it’s too much for me.
Well I’m out for the night but gonna do the usuals at first 🙂
Exercise … then late shower and lastly BED. I need my sleep -.- even though I slept straight away as soon as I got home from school lol.
Adios~
Bananixox

Hunger…

So today I had to stay back after school for an outcome for English. You see I have breakfast at 6:40am every freaking morning because of my mum -.- , and I don’teat at school until I go home at 4pm. So that’s like 10 hours without food. Today it was 12 hours 🙂 .
My mum hated the fact I had to stay after school for English. I couldn’t help it though. Anyways, I came back and Effs. My dad bought me fried rice -.-. I complained, why? I already had rice yesterday night and I HATE RICE. I was obviously in a bad mood. Well there were heaps of veggies so I started eating that but my mum ended up feeding me again because yeah I’d probably hide the rice and chicken or something and I was eating slow. After that I had to have an apple. I was so full but it didn’t matter cause in the end I spat the apple out.
You know what made me laugh? My mum was telling me in order to survive I need food,I need it to live and breathe. In reality that’s what I’ve been aiming for. To disappear.
I’m out for today. Gonna take my usual power nap.
Bananixox

Everyone is a liar

lies
Pure lies they say.
They say I’m beautiful
He says I’m not
They say I’m so thin
He says not even
Everyone is a liar.
This is why he is the only one I can trust in.
The only one who knows best and can understand me.
I do believe in what he says to me because it is true.
Perfect… is not everyone. In fact it shouldn’t be. We are unique in our own way. There’s no such thing as being perfect to anyone.

But I want to show everyone perfect. I want to show what perfect is. I want to show how perfect is suppose to be like.
He promised he’ll make me perfect so everyone can see me this time instead of seeing me as one of the ordinaries.
I’m abnormal and it’s how I want to be.
Bananixox

Can’t stop me

The burning pressure that drifts through.
The feel of exhaustion taking over.
The feel of weakness overpowering.
exercise
I loveto exercise.
Why?
Because my eating disorder named Steve told me to.
My mum captures me and forces me what is called to be food. Steve said if I eat, I will forever be a failure.
My therapist said if I keep listening to Steve, I may end up dead. Dead?
That makes me laugh.
I don’t mind ending up dead.
Why are we forced to be normal?
Whose rules are we following?
This isn’t suppose to be when Hitler wanted all the abnormals out of Germany.
I liked the feeling of weakness.
I liked the feeling of being sick.
I liked the feeling of my stomach growling. It assures me I’m still in power. But no more can I feel that when I’m trapped in some sort of dungeon where my mum forces my worse enemy down my throat down to the pit of my stomach.
But it’s okay, says Steve. He’s still here with me. He promised I’ll become stronger. He promised I’ll become perfect. Then everyone can notice me! Everyone would want to be like me. They’ll be looking up to me.
I like to be abnormal.
And no one can stop me.
Bananixox

Thoughts

So yesterday I met with my therapist, and I gained one kilo. Not happy. Today I woke up also not feeling happy. First thing I see in the mirror, is someone who looks fat. I know it may be a rather harsh word to say, but what else am I to say? I feel horrible, I don’t even feel like going out, I’m worried people may look at me. Or people who saw me at the time I was at 38kilos may see me now. I have bad anxiety.
I didn’t even want to get out of my bed. So I woke up and brushed my teeth and went back to bed, and cried. It’s sort of a daily routine for me.
Yuck. Just thinking about the fat I gained makes me sick. My jaw line is slowly disappearing and so is my hip bones. My arms are just… fat. I don’t like wearing jeans anymore because it shows the shape of my legs. I don’t like wearing singlet tops, because you can see my arms.
I’m very critical of myself, as you can see. But I can’t help it. Anyone with anorexia can’t help but criticize themselves.
So I’ve been thinking. I’m 47kilos right now and I’m 166cm. Would 48 kilos be enough? Yesterday I couldn’t help by think that well no one is going to let me lose anymore weight. I thought about being at a number that everyone maybe happy about? If my family allows me to stop at 48kilos, I will eat, but whatever I want to eat without anyone commenting on my food choices and I’d like to work out at the gym. However, if my family disagrees with me, then there is probably not a chance of me recovering.
…… I don’t know what I’m saying anymore.
I need help.
I’m out for now.
Ciao~
Bananixox