Difficult

Today, I almost lost control.
It was during my school’s mass for Lent. I’m a catholic by the way. And for us catholic’s, we are to take our communion, you know the bread and wine? (except minus the wine at our school). Anyways, as it was time to go up and receive our communion; what did I do? I stayed seated, and waited for everyone else to receive theirs. At this point I felt ashamed. I felt like I disobeyed God? I just couldn’t bring myself to eat the bread. I know, it’s just bread that’s probably like what? 10 calories? I don’t know, probably less. But I guess that’s how an eating disorder works out like. My friends do know about my disorder and supports me 100%. As one of my friend came back from receiving her communion, she knew I was upset and as a good friend she is, she was telling me everything will be alright. But honestly how can everything be okay?
I’m not done yet. After mass, wait for it… Our school was giving us hot dogs or a veggie burger. FML right there and then. I could smell it. It was horrible!! I held tight to my stomach, preventing it from grumbling hoping no one can hear it. Of course I didn’t go and take a hot dog or a veggie burger, instead I just sat with my friends watching them enjoy their hot dogs/ burger. I wanted to cry. When I got back home, my Mum prepared something for me to eat. Rice. It was becoming more and difficult for me. I hate rice and always have. I tried to get out of it but didn’t work. My mum feeds me btw. Yeah I know. But it’s cause I wouldn’t eat it obviously. Lastly, just 5 minutes ago, my mum just came in to give me my milk. Now it’s not just plain milk, it’s powdered milk. And I hate it!! I try to get away from drinking it … Again that didn’t work. So what happened afterwards? I cried. My mum can say horrible things to me too. Makes things worse but I choose to ignore it. She won’t encourage me, she won’t comfort me, she won’t do anything to at least make me feel better. So it’s only up to me to fight it.
And so I’m off for the night 🙂
Ciao ~
Bananixox

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