Again today, I felt horrible.
Concentrating in class was a no go for me. I was conflicting about whether I should drop out of school to focus more on my health (that’s what my parents want me to do). Then I realized. I’m not going to let my parents ruin my future just because of my eating disorder. After having to think about that for like half the day of school; I started to feel light headed. I know because I didn’t eat during the day. But this time I was confused because usually I can handle the hunger I feel like everyday but this was different. It was like someone inside of me was actually trying to jump out and be free to do whatever. I didn’t let that happen though.
I came back home after school ready for whatever my mum had made for my late lunch. A bun with chicken, tomato, lettuce chilli sauce and cheese. I was not happy at all. I stared to throw a tantrum and ended up in my room crying and crying. This was when I really couldn’t handle this anymore. I told myself I couldn’t do this anymore. So what was the main thing on my mind that time? Suicide. Yes I was actually committed to do so. I felt horribly upset like …. I don’t know but it was the most horrible feeling you could feel if you were to think about commuting suicide. I wanted to talk to someone, so I thought about my closest cousin but I thought there’s no point. Why? All she could do was say something to at least make me feel better. But that doesn’t physically do anything.
Depression is the most horrible feeling. Trust me.
… My mum wants me to change my anti-depressant tablets as well. I seriously can’t be bothered always taking them everyday, it’s a freaking nuisance. Aish!
Anyways.. I’m out for the night ~