Thoughts

So yesterday I met with my therapist, and I gained one kilo. Not happy. Today I woke up also not feeling happy. First thing I see in the mirror, is someone who looks fat. I know it may be a rather harsh word to say, but what else am I to say? I feel horrible, I don’t even feel like going out, I’m worried people may look at me. Or people who saw me at the time I was at 38kilos may see me now. I have bad anxiety.
I didn’t even want to get out of my bed. So I woke up and brushed my teeth and went back to bed, and cried. It’s sort of a daily routine for me.
Yuck. Just thinking about the fat I gained makes me sick. My jaw line is slowly disappearing and so is my hip bones. My arms are just… fat. I don’t like wearing jeans anymore because it shows the shape of my legs. I don’t like wearing singlet tops, because you can see my arms.
I’m very critical of myself, as you can see. But I can’t help it. Anyone with anorexia can’t help but criticize themselves.
So I’ve been thinking. I’m 47kilos right now and I’m 166cm. Would 48 kilos be enough? Yesterday I couldn’t help by think that well no one is going to let me lose anymore weight. I thought about being at a number that everyone maybe happy about? If my family allows me to stop at 48kilos, I will eat, but whatever I want to eat without anyone commenting on my food choices and I’d like to work out at the gym. However, if my family disagrees with me, then there is probably not a chance of me recovering.
…… I don’t know what I’m saying anymore.
I need help.
I’m out for now.
Ciao~
Bananixox

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