‘Who Says’

Don’t you have those moments where the world just stops for a split second and makes you think ‘What the heck am I doing?’. I find myself in that situation all the time. Why am I like this? Why can’t I be happy like everybody else? Why am I doing this to myself? Why should I care about the way I look? Who said so anyways? 

Selena Gomez is pretty popular among young girls. She shows a positive imagery (despite the fact she’s dating someone younger than her…Justin Bieber -.-“) and through her songs. I remember her song ‘Who Says’ and as I was listening to it again, it really did make me question myself over and over again. 

The only problem is, I’m afraid. 

I’m out for the night. Going to do the usual’s…. exercise then my late hot shower. I know I shouldn’t exercise because of my eating disorder, but like I said… I’m afraid. 

– Bananixox

Not a good day

Yesterday was something I was expecting to happen. So what happen exactly? Well as I mentioned before in my posts, I hide food in my room. I at times, well all the time chew on food and then later spit them out without anyone realizing. First my mum caught me when she smelled something off in my room. That was my first warning. I remember my mum saying she was going to do some cleaning around the house when I go to school. So I go to school and coming back on the bus after school just thinking of what to say to her about the hidden food I have in my room, after my warning. I get off the bus onto the bus stop just waiting for my mum to come pick me up. She would usually be 5 mins late. This time, she was taking a while. ‘I know she found the hidden food in my room again. She probably had it with me. That’s why I think she’s not here to pick me up. Where do I go now?’ I was rambling inside my head for like 10 mins or so before I decided to just take a walk randomly somewhere since I thought she wasn’t coming to pick me up. That was until she finally came. The only reason why I was worrying about this is because I don’t know what she’ll do to me this time. I was worried she might make me drop out of school or give me higher a more calorie foods, or to a program where they try and help you to recover from an eating disorder. 

The car she was driving sped up right in front of me. I thought ‘that’s it I think it’s over for me’. I laughed inside. Because it’s not like I’ve never done this before. I done worse ^^. I open the car ready to see a disappointing face, waiting to hear that I’ll be dropping out of school. “Did the bus come late?” She asked. I was safe. I replied “Uh yeah” I was surprised and happy she didn’t find out. “Oh I thought so, because I came here but you haven’t came yet, and I had to hurry and pick up xxxxx from kinder” I nodded in reply, then stayed quite as she stayed quite. That was until she burst into flames. 

I didn’t think this through properly. She scolded at me, saying it was unhygienic, not clean, and that I won’t recover if I keep doing that. Well that’s the whole point. I don’t want to recover. I rolled my eyes at her not saying a word. I looked through the window. Cold, gloomy and depressing. It’s always those days that give you a bad day. That’s what you would probably say. For me, it’s everyday. It’s a normal thing for me now :). 

We arrive at home, I hop out of the car and go inside the house. I open my room. Clean. It’s all clean. My belongings, touched, moved, replaced. Panic attack. I don’t mind a clean room. But you touch, move or throw anything of mine in my room, I will hurt you. I’m sure most people are like that too. I had posters of idols I admire, I had them on my dressing table so later I can pin them up on my wall. My mum, she moved them, touched them, and she had a plastic rubber band around it. I don’t like it if it gets crippled. I took the rubber band off and placed back on my dressing table. I moved the things that I wasn’t so comfortable with back into place. My mum then comes in. She moves them again. I shout at her. Why wouldn’t she let me do that? It’s my room. I’m not a freaking baby anymore! I’m 17 for crying out loud! She’s nuts! Even if I place my headphones on my dressing table, she’ll move them. FAROUT, IT’S LIKE IT’S NOT MY ROOM. See this is what I meant by personal space. I can’t breathe when everyone is in my space, telling me to recover. I need to be able to think! Am I wrong?? 

As the day went on; I had lunch with my mum obviously supervising me. Yuck I hated it. Then I had yogurt. I felt big. I go into my room. Angry, depressed and frustrated. I then crawl under my blanket and sleep. Because that’s the only thing I can do to distract myself from having to think about my body, what my mum will be giving me to eat or about my eating disorder. I then wake up from my mum’s hand trying to shake me awake for dinner. I go to her room where the T.V is so I can eat and watch to distract myself without having to worry about the food I’m eating. My mum sits besides my me and gives me my plate. Wasn’t happy at all. I realize she made toasted sandwiches with salami, cheese and sauce. I bet she put butter in it too. I didn’t eat. I gave up. She made it on purpose because of the ramble fight we had after school. I refused to eat it. She tried to give it to me but I fought and she gave up. She told me I’m not going to school tomorrow and had taken my uniform and hidden it. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t care what she said.

I went in my room until she went to sleep. My dad comes back from work. I then exercised and went to have a shower.  I then come out looking for my uniform so my dad can drop me off instead of my mum to my bus stop. But I failed to find it. So I slept angry. I was worried because I’m in Yr. 12 and being Yr.12 requires us to always attend classes so I won’t miss out too much work. I then wake up this morning with a cold hand of my mum’s for breakfast this time. She gave me my cereal. I thought I would be hungry since I barely ate much yesterday and skipped dinner and desert, but no sign of my stomach grumbling. My dad comes in then obviously so my mum and I won’t start fighting again. My parents then tell me that they don’t care about school anymore but more on my health. I CARE ABOUT SCHOOL AND MY FUTURE. They continue saying how I have to recover fast. I shouted back telling them to stop forcing me. They then spoke back saying they have to. YOU CAN’T JUST FORCE ME, YOU CAN’T EXPECT ME TO WAKE UP THE NEXT DAY AND RECOVER. This is a load of bull. 

GAHHH!

I’m out. Going to do the usual’s. 

Ciao~

– Bananixox

Facts about Anorexia

Eating disorders develop in both male and females. Don’t think that eating disorders asked for this to happen to them. It’s not their fault, there are reasons to how they developed an eating disorder except no one can really pin point the exact reason. Here some factors :

  • Gender – females are at a higher risk, particularly after puberty
  • Genetics – the risk of developing anorexia increases 10-fold if another family member has developed anorexia
  • Personality traits – characteristics such as perfectionism, negative self- evaluation and food obsessions
  • Dieting – dieting is the most common feature and a trigger for the condition
  • Traumatic events – physical, sexual or emotional abuse, bullying at school, death or illness of a family member can all trigger or exacerbate the condition

No one should blame someone with an eating disorder for anything. It causes more trouble for them and may develop more stress upon themselves. Scare tactics are also not good option to try and get someone out of the their disorder. It’s no point really, it will take more than an year for someone to fully recover and you should take note of that and should be patient about it. No of course it won’t be easy, it will be hard with the one you dearly loved who is suffering. It will be hard for both you and the sufferer. Again though you have to be patient about it.

You may see some extreme changes in the one who is suffering. That is all part of the eating disorder behavior. Things like : 

  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Non-sociable
  • Lost interest in their hobbies
  • Constantly weighing themselves
  • Like cooking for others but won’t eat it themselves 
  • Over exercising 
  • Personality change  

If you know someone who may see to be having these symptoms, there is defiantly nothing wrong in asking for help, by either checking up with a doctor or talking to their family members. It is a serious disorder, and people need to take note of having to treat a sufferer equally and always stick by them. It is always good to talk to the sufferer about it as it can help to let out all their frustration out. You may not understand anything about an eating disorder but it is always important to accept the fact a sufferer is like this and it is not their fault but a cry for help.

Here some more symptoms of an eating disorder more particular in anorexia nervosa :  

  • Being afraid of gaining weight
  • Feeling fat despite being very thin
  • Preoccupation with food, such as obsessive calorie counting
  • Rapid weight loss and not wanting to eat
  • Maintaing a body weight below ones healthy resting weight
  • Obsessive weighing
  • Amenorrhea in women – irregular or absent menstrual cycle
  • Feeling depressed and irritable
  • Denying that anything is wrong

Again if you find that you know someone or yourself having to have these similar symptoms, it is important that you do need to call/ask for help!  

In recovery in an eating disorder, here are some tips that you may need to note on; 

  • Make sure to have someone eating with the person suffering as they can’t be really trusted eating y themselves
  • Make sure they aren’t being sneaky while eating as they can somehow hide the food 
  • Don’t shout at them, because it may trigger them to become angry 
  • Don’t blame them for anything 
  • Always talk to them if needed
  • Try and get them back into their interest of their hobbies
  • Don’t talk about anything to do with the word ‘fat’ ‘skinny’ ‘diet’ and so on in front of them
  • Cook for them instead and make sure they eat everything
  • Make sure they have all three meals with snacks in between 
  • Make sure they don’t go to the bathroom or wonder off mischievously after a meal or snack. Stay with them for a while then let them go
  • Make sure they don’t exercise 
  • Always check up on them where ever they are 
  • Make sure they aren’t self harming themselves 
  • Make sure they aren’t constantly looking at themselves in the mirror 
  • And don’t treat them as a sick person 

It’s more suitable to get professional help like a psychologist as they have more knowledge and can help further in recovery. Or a most effective help is a multidimensional treatment that consists of nutritional rehabilitation, medical attention, individual cognitive psychotherapy, and family counselling or therapy.

There are type of different eating disorders; anorexia nervosa, bulimia or binge eating. They are all serious disorders that needs to be a watch out for.  

Well I hope this gave a few people some helps and tips. This post is mainly on Anorexia Nervosa as I’m actually a sufferer.

Okay take care ^^ ~

Ciao~

Bananixox

P.S: If you want more info or want to ask any questions, feel free to ask 🙂 

 

I feel like hitting someone. That’s how frustrated I am.

Went back to school…. And felt like shit. I have to wear my winter uniform and I absolutely hate it. My winter skirt used to be loosely fitted on me having my hip bones noticeable under the fabric. Now I feel as of it’s going to become tighter and tighter. I feel fat . When I went to school, the first thing I always tend to do is compare myself to other girls at my age. I start to hate myself and I just make my day worse. My legs.. I hate them! I don’t understand! Why is it so that a person can eat so much yet their legs aren’t big!? I don’t get this!!!
Stressed is what I’m feeling right now. My therapist recommends me to drop out of school and go to a program that can help me to come out of my eating disorder. My parents both agree on it as well. Well I disagree. I refuse to do so. It’ll make me more angry, and isolated from my friends which would make my disorder become worse. At the moment my therapist went on leave for 4 weeks. I was asked to go see someone else while she was gone, except my dad hates when I have to go for my therapy sessions so I didn’t bother to even ask him to take me to this other therapist until my actual therapist comes back. My parents received a letter saying for me to go see this other therapist and guess what, my dad did say no. So, like I said, there was no point asking him.
I feel horrible right now. You know I had this dream last night, it was kinda weird but felt so real for some reason. In my dream, my parents found out that I hidden more food and I was stressed or something and began to try and throw up. Except I didn’t know how to. I’m only anorexic. Then out of no where I found this tube container like the toothpaste tube that was filled with something that apparently can help me to throw up. So I squeezed a drop in my mouth and swallowed it. Next thing I knew, I began to throw up rapidly. Basically I became a bulimic. That was a weird dream but it kinda freaked me out because it felt real.
Anyways I’m out. I already did the usuals …. Exercise and my late showers so I’m off to bed.
Adios ~
Bananixox

Worried

Two more hours until I wake up for school. I can’t sleep. Maybe it’s because I slept during the day? Or maybe because I’m sick, don’t know. That’s not the main point here though. School holidays is over for me. School started yesterday but I didn’t go. I’m still sick. In two hours though I’ll be up getting ready for school. Fuck. You know why I seem so worried? I look like I gained weight. Now everyone will notice. I feel like breaking something. We’re to wear our winter uniform as well. Fuck. What if it doesn’t fit me the way it use to fit me when I was severally underweight? I’m just underweight only but I hate it because it doesn’t look like I’m underweight. Grrr….. I guess I should try and get some sleep at least before my alarm goes off in two hours -.-
Adios~
Bananixox

Obsession

It’s like I’ve become addicted to drugs, except it’s not drugs I’m addicted to. BonesI love feeling my bones. Sounds weird and creepy, I know. I don’t care though. Just having your fingers run down your bones, is ….there’s no words to describe how pleasurable it is. It makes me smile when I feel them. I become like a happy puppy. I can’t seem to stop feeling my ribs. Don’t care though. I love having my fingers running up and down my ribs, just feeling my rib bones. Sometimes I just stand in front of my mirror and just stare at my rib bones. I don’t know why, it’s just fun. I also love feeling the front of my chest. You can see bones there. It’s also easy for everyone to see them. Except…. you can’t anymore. Why? It’s not there anymore. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. FUCK! Is all that’s going through my head at the moment, so please excuse my language. I feel like crap right now. Besides the fact I’m also sick at the moment. I’m so freaking angry that I can probably break my laptop. I want to run, exercise,…ANYTHING TO LOSE WEIGHT! Yes I am still underweight though, but why does it look like I’m not underweight? I want to look like I’m underweight!

I always have those days where I think my body is fine but then it hits me the next second that I’m fatter than the other person or that person, this person etc. I hate this. I really do. But I don’t want to let go of my eating disorder. Not now. It’s a friend to me. Call it whatever you like, devil, a disaster, a monster. But I like to call it Steve (honestly don’t ask me why I chose that name, because I seriously don’t know either).

I don’t know about some of you people, but if you think I’m one of those crazy mental people, 😐 … I’m still like everybody else. So is all people with all types of disorders. No one asked to have a disorder. We develop them because of different factors. Just felt like saying that. 

Well I’m heading off now still trying to freaking finish off my holiday homework -3-.and then I’m going to exercise…. :\ it sucks being sick. 

Ciao~

– Bananixox

Tired

I like sleeping for reasons like : not having to think about my eating disorder, not having to think about my body image, not having to worry about food, not having to worry about anything. You can make your own world and live the way you want inside your dreams. It’s fun. When you wake up though, reality tends to hit you hard. Fuck. I hate that.

School holidays are almost over, and I’m not even close to finishing off my holiday h.w. It’s not my fault though. You know when your depressed or you got into a bad fight, you don’t feel like doing anything? Yeah well I’ve been practically depressed and had numerous of fights with my parents and on top of all that, I’ve been horribly sick lately. I get put off easily. I just don’t want to do anything other than focus on my body image which sounds so stupid. I know. But you try having an eating disorder and you’ll see what I mean.

Well I’m out, going to try and finish of my holiday homework even though it’s 2:58am at the moment. After that ..exercise. Man do I tire myself out. Maybe that’s why I’ve been sick lately?

Ciao~

Bananixox

Sick again..

It’s Friday the 13th in my time zone. You know what that means, bad luck day. I don’t really believe in such thing though, but today you could say I do. Woke up sick again. I prefer pain over being sick for some reason. Don’t know why. Anyways, this morning was not good start. I actually had a birthday party to go to but called just yesterday to say I won’t be coming . So I guess my soul saw this coming today.
That horrible pounding in your head is just irritating. It’s like someone is hammering your brain. It wouldn’t stop. The chills running down my spine and running through my legs, arms , my whole body technically. I couldn’t stand it. It was difficult to sleep even. My mum had the theory of me getting sick again because of the spoilt food I had hidden in my room. Whatever.
I was beginning to become weaker. My mum kicked me out of my room and told me to stay in her room. She wanted to clean my room. I couldn’t disagree because all I was hearing is that pounding in my head. So I gave in and ended up sleeping in my mum’s room. I hate being weak. I don’t like being weak or showing anyone I’m weak.
So here I am awake now still in my mum’s room. Feeling a lot better I guess. Though I was waiting for the sickness to really kick in and make me throw up. That didn’t happen. I’ll have to work extra hard to lose weight. Effs. I just realized its almost time for dinner. Ugh.
I’m off. Going to go worry what my mum has made for dinner.
Adios~
Bananixox

Caught

Image

I hoped as my mum woke me up this morning, that it won’t be a bad day today. I see the bowl she is holding that contains my worst enemy of all time.. food. It’s cereal she brings to me with milk at the bottom of the bowl. As I grabbed the spoon to take my first bite of the morning, I realize something odd. There’s too much of cereal in the bowl. Anger began to start filling me up. The thought of my mum wanting me to become fat was agonizing enough. I wanted to shout, scream, hit, throw, anything to break the frustration I was mentally having then. I didn’t though. I didn’t do it because I would know what will happen if I refuse again. My mum would make me eat more. She would even hurt me. We would start fighting. She would even cry. Believe me. It’s not what I won’t. Fighting with my mum, isn’t a fun thing to do. I’m not angry at her. No, I don’t hate her. Same goes for my dad. I don’t mean to do any harm. Even if my parents may hate me for being so arrogant, I wouldn’t hate them. Because I know it’s Steve (my eating disorder) who is trying to withdraw me from the people I’m so close to. Even though I understand what he is trying to do to me, I still listen to him.

I haven’t mentioned this before. My room is my private place where I throw all my emotions out. It’s also where I hide food. The food that I’m given, I chew but later spit out on to a tissue or a paper and hide it in my room. Too risky to throw out in the bin. Someone would find out. In the corner of my room and in one of my drawers, are where I keep the hidden food parcels. Except I should have known better to later throw it out somewhere before it began to start smelling and rotting. 

I was caught. My mum found out. The smell was just too strong. I was sleeping when she found it. I was awake but pretended to sleep. She woke me with a confused face. “Why did you do this?”, she asks. I needed to come up with an answer. Instead I simply shrugged my shoulders at her as if it was a normal thing to do and nothing much of a concern. I acted like I didn’t care. Well I didn’t anyways, Well what did she expect the answer to be? I’m anorexic, it’s what we do. It’s nothing new. So really that question of her’s was rather stupid to ask an anorexic person. She should know. Shouldn’t she? She did say she understands me. Lies. Impossible to understand how an eating disorder thinks when you’re not the one suffering from it too. 

No. I’m not bulimic. Bulimic is when someone indulges on food and then later forces themselves to throw up. I just leave the food in my mouth as much as I can even if it’s not much, I then spit it out without anyone knowing. Bulimia Anorexia and Anorexia are two different things but under the same category. Bulimia would, as I said before, binge on food or don’t eat at all and then later throw up. Anorexia would just completely refuse to eat but at a certain time they would eat. Some would only eat one meal a day. Like me. Except now, I’ve been forced to go under recovery. Though they do both have similarities of refusing to eat and wanting to be underweight, except different behaviors. 

So I’ll end it here today. 

Adios~

– Bananixox

 

HELP

First thing my mum wakes me up, she brings me toast with chicken sausages. What the hell!? Is she trying to make my eating disorder worse? I refused to eat it. I was just sick and tired with the things I have to go through and sick of my mum having to treat me like a sick person. I refused because I don’t like eating meat for breakfast. Usually at the end I would give up. Not this time.
My parents were both shouting at me, my mum blaming me for everything, both of them swearing at me, hitting me, pulling me, chocking me from the collar to get me to sit up. So your saying I should do what they say when they are treating me like that? Really? Well no. I had enough. I know my family had enough, but if they treat me like that, then obviously I’m not going to put up with it. LEAVE ME TO DIE maybe that would do, so then my parents and my brother can have a normal life and a normal family.
So at the end, I won. But instead my mum have me a sandwich with butter and cheese. I only ate the part of the bread that wasn’t covered with butter. I threw out the cheese and the rest of the bread out. No one saw. After, my made me have a bloody milkshake! This was when my brother came in and asked for my mum to stop shouting at me. My mum is … she’s selfish?
Don’t get me wrong. I completely understand that they are frustrated, upset, because of me. I get it that they are working extra hard because of me. ….. But I just don’t like the way I’ve been treated.
They don’t want me to go to my therapist because they say I won’t recover like that just going and coming back home without improvement.
Recovery takes awhile. They don’t understand that.
So I emailed my therapist and told her what’s going on. She’s the only one who understands me at the point. She’s the only one who would listen to me even if I sound stupid or won’t make sense.
She replied back saying she will send a letter this time instead of calling to tell my parents stating on more info about an eating disorder and how to react to them, places where I can get more help, things that they should do because clearly they don’t get it. I’m thankful that she’s actually willing to help me. Because at this point I’m scared.
Who knows I might actually end up committing suicide or my parents might kill me instead.
I’m going to stop here because I’ve just rambled through this post and haven’t properly fixed my sentences so half of this won’t make sense. Hopefully you can understand at least. Okay so I’m going exercise because my mum gave me a snack and I feel like shit at the moment.
Ciao for now~
Bananixox