You know no one will understand you unless they are in your shoes. And you know it’s true.
Today I encountered a conflict with my mum. It’s a routine nearly everyday, so it’s nothing new or exciting. Same reason why we argue everyday. Because of Steve (my eating disorder). Well what do you expect me to do? Just start randomly eating normally like a miracle has happened? If you said yes, … hit yourself for me.
It’s not easy for eating disorders to do something like that. Even trying to at least impress someone. We’re not trying to be selfish. We’re not selfish. It’s just a mentality problem. Reasons like difficulties eating disorders have in their daily life, is a reason why an eating disorder is developed. That’s what happened to me. I wasn’t able to handle everything that was going on, so Steve came along and said “hey, you don’t need to deal with those problems. Let’s be friends and I promise things will get better for you. In fact you wouldn’t have to worry about those problems anymore”. Again what do you expect me to do? Ignore Steve? Again, if you said yes, …. hit yourself. Because really, if someone was incredibly lost, confused, exhausted, frustrated, depressed…. I could go on but I’ll stop there. Anyways, wouldn’t you cry out for help? Even if it was a stranger? Maybe not for some, but I was weak in mind because I was scared, so I became friends with Steve.
So here I am just typing/blogging whatever comes in mind. FML. Yeah.
It’s hard to try and explain to my mum especially my mum… what I’m going through. She asks me why on the days I refuse to eat. I keep quite. There’s no point. She wouldn’t understand. Same goes for my dad. They complain about money, the atmosphere, etc, etc. Why? Because of me. The girl with the eating disorder. That alien. The abnormal one. The anorexic girl. Yeah me. Why though? Now that, I don’t understand. Yes like I said about how they wouldn’t understand yada yada ya… unless they were in your shoes. So maybe that’s why I don’t really understand why they are blaming me for everything? But then… why? Everything? Because of me? Isn’t that like ‘oh let’s blame her cause she’s the odd one out’ scenario? Or is that in my head? I don’t like speaking to my parents because I’m afraid that they might shout at me, and because I don’t want them to have an impression on me thinking I’m recovering.
Whenever I get into an argument with my mum, I do cry. Not because I’m scared of what she said, but because I’m angry. Because what does she know? Nothing! Nothing about what I’m feeling. She only talks about her self saying how sick she is and that I’m torturing her. Oh I’m sorry mum that I have an eating disorder. Hold on let me just wake up on the other side of the bed and start eating normally again.
Sorry if I sounded rather harsh there, but like like I mentioned before, I’m only typing what comes in mind. But really, it does hurts and makes me upset when she tells me those things. How I’m the one who made damage, the one who made her sick and upset everyone in the family. And here it comes again … ‘you know no one will understand you unless they are in your shoes‘.
And I’ll conclude it there for tonight. I just got over myself from crying and having to think of suicide or running away from home would solve everything….. -.- too much effort though.
But please don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean to be selfish. I am truly scared, no terrified. I really am lost and confused, I don’t know what to do. So I just stay in my room where I can reveal my emotions to my friend Steve (I do have other real friends -.-) .
If someone is willing to talk to me about their struggles with anything they are going through, I’d love to talk and maybe we can try and solve each others problems, help each other out or give support to one another 🙂 . ^^ It’ll make me feel less depressed having to think I’m the alien in my house at the moment. But please do message me ^^?
Well I’m off to do the usuals… you know exercise… I already had my shower ^^ so just exercising tonight.