So I finally got my anti-depressants and you have know idea how much better I feel. Honestly I was about to lose my head. Though that doesn’t mean that today was okay for me. Have I mentioned how much I hate the scale? Yeah many times. First it says I’ve gained weight then decides to play a game with me and says I’ve lost weight. MAKE UP YOUR GOD DAMN MIND!
Obviously I was cranky and couldn’t help but think how fat I’ve become since I didn’t take my anti-depressant throughout in the morning. In the evening I took those tablets and had a rest just to calm myself down since I was still moody with everyone. When I woke up, it was dinner time. I had fried fish, with tomatoes and lettuce and sweet potatoes fries. Way too much! I hate half and couldn’t eat anymore mainly because I was afraid I’d put on more weight on, but also because I was full. Though of course my mum wouldn’t let me off that easy. So I ended up eating everything. FML. After everyone in my family went to bed, I had exercised. I felt good afterwards, but I didn’t feel like it was enough. I did make myself exhausted, but I love the feeling of that. I then went to have my late shower (boy do I love them, you have the shower to yourself without anyone having to bang on the door, telling you to hurry up), then checked my weight. I step on it numerous of times. It said I gained weight. This maybe a bit over dramatic, but it felt like my world was slowly being destroyed by ‘normal’ people who are trying to get me back with them. I DON’T WANT TO GO BACK. I want to stay ‘abnormal’, anorexic. Why can’t anyone just give me some SPACE!? I can’t even breath with everyone hogging up all my oxygen. I just wanted to break something, throw something, scream out something, run somewhere, I just want to be left alone. I only gained 1 kilo and I’m still underweight, but I can’t help the way I feel. The anxiety in me that makes the rush of my blood run through my veins, heating up my body and makes my heart freaking want jump out of my body. That’s what I’m feeling right now. Well I don’t know maybe because I ate too much for dinner, that my body is still processing it? So probably when I wake up in the morning, I’ll go back to the weight I was at before, 1 kilo off. AYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAA.
Alright I’m off to bed. Too much on my mind right now. I have holiday homework which is just lying in different places right now untouched, and I only have one more week to finish it off. So yeah like I said before FML.
Already did the usuals, so good night 🙂
oh just reminded myself that I was to make a cake for my brother since it was his birthday. ._. …..
Meh ~ I do too much stuff for him -.- I’ll let this one off.