I hoped as my mum woke me up this morning, that it won’t be a bad day today. I see the bowl she is holding that contains my worst enemy of all time.. food. It’s cereal she brings to me with milk at the bottom of the bowl. As I grabbed the spoon to take my first bite of the morning, I realize something odd. There’s too much of cereal in the bowl. Anger began to start filling me up. The thought of my mum wanting me to become fat was agonizing enough. I wanted to shout, scream, hit, throw, anything to break the frustration I was mentally having then. I didn’t though. I didn’t do it because I would know what will happen if I refuse again. My mum would make me eat more. She would even hurt me. We would start fighting. She would even cry. Believe me. It’s not what I won’t. Fighting with my mum, isn’t a fun thing to do. I’m not angry at her. No, I don’t hate her. Same goes for my dad. I don’t mean to do any harm. Even if my parents may hate me for being so arrogant, I wouldn’t hate them. Because I know it’s Steve (my eating disorder) who is trying to withdraw me from the people I’m so close to. Even though I understand what he is trying to do to me, I still listen to him.
I haven’t mentioned this before. My room is my private place where I throw all my emotions out. It’s also where I hide food. The food that I’m given, I chew but later spit out on to a tissue or a paper and hide it in my room. Too risky to throw out in the bin. Someone would find out. In the corner of my room and in one of my drawers, are where I keep the hidden food parcels. Except I should have known better to later throw it out somewhere before it began to start smelling and rotting.
I was caught. My mum found out. The smell was just too strong. I was sleeping when she found it. I was awake but pretended to sleep. She woke me with a confused face. “Why did you do this?”, she asks. I needed to come up with an answer. Instead I simply shrugged my shoulders at her as if it was a normal thing to do and nothing much of a concern. I acted like I didn’t care. Well I didn’t anyways, Well what did she expect the answer to be? I’m anorexic, it’s what we do. It’s nothing new. So really that question of her’s was rather stupid to ask an anorexic person. She should know. Shouldn’t she? She did say she understands me. Lies. Impossible to understand how an eating disorder thinks when you’re not the one suffering from it too.
No. I’m not bulimic. Bulimic is when someone indulges on food and then later forces themselves to throw up. I just leave the food in my mouth as much as I can even if it’s not much, I then spit it out without anyone knowing. Bulimia Anorexia and Anorexia are two different things but under the same category. Bulimia would, as I said before, binge on food or don’t eat at all and then later throw up. Anorexia would just completely refuse to eat but at a certain time they would eat. Some would only eat one meal a day. Like me. Except now, I’ve been forced to go under recovery. Though they do both have similarities of refusing to eat and wanting to be underweight, except different behaviors.
So I’ll end it here today.