It’s like I’ve become addicted to drugs, except it’s not drugs I’m addicted to. Bones. I love feeling my bones. Sounds weird and creepy, I know. I don’t care though. Just having your fingers run down your bones, is ….there’s no words to describe how pleasurable it is. It makes me smile when I feel them. I become like a happy puppy. I can’t seem to stop feeling my ribs. Don’t care though. I love having my fingers running up and down my ribs, just feeling my rib bones. Sometimes I just stand in front of my mirror and just stare at my rib bones. I don’t know why, it’s just fun. I also love feeling the front of my chest. You can see bones there. It’s also easy for everyone to see them. Except…. you can’t anymore. Why? It’s not there anymore. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. FUCK! Is all that’s going through my head at the moment, so please excuse my language. I feel like crap right now. Besides the fact I’m also sick at the moment. I’m so freaking angry that I can probably break my laptop. I want to run, exercise,…ANYTHING TO LOSE WEIGHT! Yes I am still underweight though, but why does it look like I’m not underweight? I want to look like I’m underweight!
I always have those days where I think my body is fine but then it hits me the next second that I’m fatter than the other person or that person, this person etc. I hate this. I really do. But I don’t want to let go of my eating disorder. Not now. It’s a friend to me. Call it whatever you like, devil, a disaster, a monster. But I like to call it Steve (honestly don’t ask me why I chose that name, because I seriously don’t know either).
I don’t know about some of you people, but if you think I’m one of those crazy mental people, 😐 … I’m still like everybody else. So is all people with all types of disorders. No one asked to have a disorder. We develop them because of different factors. Just felt like saying that.
Well I’m heading off now still trying to freaking finish off my holiday homework -3-.and then I’m going to exercise…. it sucks being sick.