I feel like hitting someone. That’s how frustrated I am.

Went back to school…. And felt like shit. I have to wear my winter uniform and I absolutely hate it. My winter skirt used to be loosely fitted on me having my hip bones noticeable under the fabric. Now I feel as of it’s going to become tighter and tighter. I feel fat . When I went to school, the first thing I always tend to do is compare myself to other girls at my age. I start to hate myself and I just make my day worse. My legs.. I hate them! I don’t understand! Why is it so that a person can eat so much yet their legs aren’t big!? I don’t get this!!!
Stressed is what I’m feeling right now. My therapist recommends me to drop out of school and go to a program that can help me to come out of my eating disorder. My parents both agree on it as well. Well I disagree. I refuse to do so. It’ll make me more angry, and isolated from my friends which would make my disorder become worse. At the moment my therapist went on leave for 4 weeks. I was asked to go see someone else while she was gone, except my dad hates when I have to go for my therapy sessions so I didn’t bother to even ask him to take me to this other therapist until my actual therapist comes back. My parents received a letter saying for me to go see this other therapist and guess what, my dad did say no. So, like I said, there was no point asking him.
I feel horrible right now. You know I had this dream last night, it was kinda weird but felt so real for some reason. In my dream, my parents found out that I hidden more food and I was stressed or something and began to try and throw up. Except I didn’t know how to. I’m only anorexic. Then out of no where I found this tube container like the toothpaste tube that was filled with something that apparently can help me to throw up. So I squeezed a drop in my mouth and swallowed it. Next thing I knew, I began to throw up rapidly. Basically I became a bulimic. That was a weird dream but it kinda freaked me out because it felt real.
Anyways I’m out. I already did the usuals …. Exercise and my late showers so I’m off to bed.
Adios ~
Bananixox

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