Not a good day

Yesterday was something I was expecting to happen. So what happen exactly? Well as I mentioned before in my posts, I hide food in my room. I at times, well all the time chew on food and then later spit them out without anyone realizing. First my mum caught me when she smelled something off in my room. That was my first warning. I remember my mum saying she was going to do some cleaning around the house when I go to school. So I go to school and coming back on the bus after school just thinking of what to say to her about the hidden food I have in my room, after my warning. I get off the bus onto the bus stop just waiting for my mum to come pick me up. She would usually be 5 mins late. This time, she was taking a while. ‘I know she found the hidden food in my room again. She probably had it with me. That’s why I think she’s not here to pick me up. Where do I go now?’ I was rambling inside my head for like 10 mins or so before I decided to just take a walk randomly somewhere since I thought she wasn’t coming to pick me up. That was until she finally came. The only reason why I was worrying about this is because I don’t know what she’ll do to me this time. I was worried she might make me drop out of school or give me higher a more calorie foods, or to a program where they try and help you to recover from an eating disorder. 

The car she was driving sped up right in front of me. I thought ‘that’s it I think it’s over for me’. I laughed inside. Because it’s not like I’ve never done this before. I done worse ^^. I open the car ready to see a disappointing face, waiting to hear that I’ll be dropping out of school. “Did the bus come late?” She asked. I was safe. I replied “Uh yeah” I was surprised and happy she didn’t find out. “Oh I thought so, because I came here but you haven’t came yet, and I had to hurry and pick up xxxxx from kinder” I nodded in reply, then stayed quite as she stayed quite. That was until she burst into flames. 

I didn’t think this through properly. She scolded at me, saying it was unhygienic, not clean, and that I won’t recover if I keep doing that. Well that’s the whole point. I don’t want to recover. I rolled my eyes at her not saying a word. I looked through the window. Cold, gloomy and depressing. It’s always those days that give you a bad day. That’s what you would probably say. For me, it’s everyday. It’s a normal thing for me now :). 

We arrive at home, I hop out of the car and go inside the house. I open my room. Clean. It’s all clean. My belongings, touched, moved, replaced. Panic attack. I don’t mind a clean room. But you touch, move or throw anything of mine in my room, I will hurt you. I’m sure most people are like that too. I had posters of idols I admire, I had them on my dressing table so later I can pin them up on my wall. My mum, she moved them, touched them, and she had a plastic rubber band around it. I don’t like it if it gets crippled. I took the rubber band off and placed back on my dressing table. I moved the things that I wasn’t so comfortable with back into place. My mum then comes in. She moves them again. I shout at her. Why wouldn’t she let me do that? It’s my room. I’m not a freaking baby anymore! I’m 17 for crying out loud! She’s nuts! Even if I place my headphones on my dressing table, she’ll move them. FAROUT, IT’S LIKE IT’S NOT MY ROOM. See this is what I meant by personal space. I can’t breathe when everyone is in my space, telling me to recover. I need to be able to think! Am I wrong?? 

As the day went on; I had lunch with my mum obviously supervising me. Yuck I hated it. Then I had yogurt. I felt big. I go into my room. Angry, depressed and frustrated. I then crawl under my blanket and sleep. Because that’s the only thing I can do to distract myself from having to think about my body, what my mum will be giving me to eat or about my eating disorder. I then wake up from my mum’s hand trying to shake me awake for dinner. I go to her room where the T.V is so I can eat and watch to distract myself without having to worry about the food I’m eating. My mum sits besides my me and gives me my plate. Wasn’t happy at all. I realize she made toasted sandwiches with salami, cheese and sauce. I bet she put butter in it too. I didn’t eat. I gave up. She made it on purpose because of the ramble fight we had after school. I refused to eat it. She tried to give it to me but I fought and she gave up. She told me I’m not going to school tomorrow and had taken my uniform and hidden it. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t care what she said.

I went in my room until she went to sleep. My dad comes back from work. I then exercised and went to have a shower.  I then come out looking for my uniform so my dad can drop me off instead of my mum to my bus stop. But I failed to find it. So I slept angry. I was worried because I’m in Yr. 12 and being Yr.12 requires us to always attend classes so I won’t miss out too much work. I then wake up this morning with a cold hand of my mum’s for breakfast this time. She gave me my cereal. I thought I would be hungry since I barely ate much yesterday and skipped dinner and desert, but no sign of my stomach grumbling. My dad comes in then obviously so my mum and I won’t start fighting again. My parents then tell me that they don’t care about school anymore but more on my health. I CARE ABOUT SCHOOL AND MY FUTURE. They continue saying how I have to recover fast. I shouted back telling them to stop forcing me. They then spoke back saying they have to. YOU CAN’T JUST FORCE ME, YOU CAN’T EXPECT ME TO WAKE UP THE NEXT DAY AND RECOVER. This is a load of bull. 

GAHHH!

I’m out. Going to do the usual’s. 

Ciao~

– Bananixox

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6 thoughts on “Not a good day

  1. Your last paragraph made me really want to speak up.

    You are keen to continue with school so you can have a good future? I understand that. Year 12 is an important year, but the harsh, painful reality is – there may not be much of a future if you don’t concentrate on your health right now. The only way to succeed at school is to feed your brain with exactly the foods your Mum provides. Salami, cheese & Sauce Toasties will do nothing to hurt you, they will give you the energy and nutrition you so badly need.

    • It frustrates me. Where I want to be focused on school, I’m more focused on my body. I know that I need to eat what my mum gives me, but I tend to refuse to eat when she’s showing a bad attitude towards me. I don’t like being forced, I just want to take it easy and slow with my recovery. I feel like everything is just too much for me.

      • Easy and slow isn’t always the best option. Believe me, I’ve tried it. Why prolong it? Why take it slowly, and drag out the discomfort for longer than you need to?

        If you were to listen to your parents, who are absolutely worried sick about you, you could focus more on school, friends, education, life – and less on fighting against your family’s support. Good luck, I can’t tell you enough how important it is to give it 100%.

      • I know, I don’t understand myself. I want to become slim fast so then I don’t have to worry about my body and I can just focus on school. I know that won’t happen though, and it frustrates me. I know I should at lest try, but I have to get rid of this huge fear inside of me first. I have a complicated life.

      • I’m so sorry things are tough for you. I really don’t know what else to say other than you should REALLY give it a good go. Being slim will offer you nothing, I can promise you that. Believe me when I say you do not want to get to my age (27) and still have the same fears you do right now. Take any offer of help you get x

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