Can’t Stop

So it’s official, I found my new obsession.

Purging.

Straight after school, since I don’t eat during school, my Mum made me rice. Effs. I hate rice. I ended up eating it because my ED convinced me to throw it up later, so I kept that in mind. After I was done eating, I made sure no one can hear me in bathroom trying to stick down my toothbrush in order to purge. As soon as I started purging, I just couldn’t stop, it wasn’t enough, not everything came out and I was angry. After a while I stopped since someone in my family would probably wonder why I’m still in the bathroom. I came out and went straight to bed to have a rest as I usually do so I can block out reality. My Mum then came in to give me my snack which was yogurt as I have to have after lunch. Did not taste good straight after purging. I wanted to purge again after finishing my yogurt, but I didn’t I was just too tired to do so. So again my ED told me to wake up after a while and do it again. I was going to but I ended up sleeping straight till 11 o’clock pm. My Dad woke me to give me my anti-depressant tablet with 2 biscuits. I took the tablet and chewed on the biscuits but then spat the biscuits out later like I usually do, I never swallow them. That reminded me, I felt a bit off today during school when I realized it was because I have been purging yesterday night, which meant in other words that I might have accidentally threw up my anti-depressant that I took yesterday at the same time which caused me to feel off and frustrated for no reason.

So after I took my tablet and spat the biscuits, it was time for dinner. My Mum makes me eat in the T.V room so I can get distracted while eating. Doesn’t really work but anyways, I had 4 slices of toasted tuna sandwiches. I was getting angry because my Mum made me 4 instead of just 2 but she told me it’s just 2 sandwiches  been cut into half. I’m not that stupid =.= I think I can see that. I ate the sandwiches, and after I had an apple which again I later spat out, I don’t know why I do that even though it’s a fruit. And here I am, about to go for a shower and at the same time purge. After my shower I’ll be exercising.

And so I’m out to do the usual’s 🙂

Ciao~

– Bananixox

P.S Does it seem like I’m bulimic :\? I’m still confused if I am or not or just anorexic -3- …. I’m a clueless child.

New obsession?

So I’ve been purging for these past few days. I hate it, trust me  I don’t like the idea of it. But I feel accomplished and pleased after purging. So far no one has caught me, no one knows what I have been doing lately. My friends know about my eating disorder since last year. What I love about my friends is that they still treat me as ‘me’ not as someone who’s ill and how they have act really nice to me. Today one of my friends has texted me asking if everything was okay with me. I, for some reason had sent her a whole list of the things that were frustrating me. I told her that I have been doing something horrible lately but didn’t tell her what it was. She obviously asked. I couldn’t tell her that I was purging. What if she tells my parents? Then I’m obviously screwed for sure. So I didn’t end up telling her.

Just half an hour ago I was in the shower, purging. I can’t help it now. It’s become one of my routines now. Shower-purge-exercise. I can’t run away from the food my parents give me. That’s why I decided to purge. Stupid right?

However I think it’s slowly working with losing weight. Though I’m not happy with my thighs, so I’ll have to keep on exercising which I’m off to do now.

Ciao~
Bananixox 

P.S I sound really hopeless here o.O 

Suddenly

I’m going to say it out straight.
I’ve been forcing myself to purge every night now.
It started when I had thoughts of not able to lose weight fast by just overly exercising. I don’t like the thought of purging. It’s wrong, yes I know. But hell, are you suffering from anorexia? If yes, you’ll understand me. If no, don’t bother to try and understand.
It’s not easy to live having an ED control you. There are certain rules you have to follow. I’m use to them.

I’m not sure if I’ve become a bulimic though? It’s not like I’m binge eating. I’m just been given and forced to eat by my parents without any way of running from eating. Since I had no other way of doing so, I just decided to purge every night and then exercise.

FML.

I’m out for the night. Already did the usuals so night night.
Ciao~
Bananixox

Bulimia?

Struggling everyday. My mind wonder of to suicidal. I’m losing it. 

I haven’t been checking my weight lately, I’m too afraid to do so. I don’t even look like I’m anorexic, however I used to and strange as it sound I missed looking like that. I’m highly afraid of gaining weight, and if I do, I go crashing down. 

Yr. 12 formal is coming up next month. Fuck. What if I had gained heaps of weight by then? I wouldn’t be able to wear a dress that would show my figure. I probably wouldn’t be able to wear anything.

Everyday I wake up,first thing I do is criticize myself. Then be depressed for the whole day. 

I can’t keep being like this. I have to do something.

My final thoughts? Bulimia?

 I mean I’m suffering from anorexia already so it wouldn’t make a difference right?

And I know vomiting helps to lose all those calories been consumed. 

It’s only a thought though. I’ll see what I’ll end up with. But for now I’m out for the night, going to do the usual’s.

Ciao~

– Bananixox

Lost

Thursday night. I’m trapped in my own thoughts. I hate this. I hate my body. I hate the fact that I hate what I see. I hate how I have a weak mind. I’m always negative. I get put off from doing things like trying to study. I can’t do it. The negative thoughts that runs through my head 24 hours, makes me weak in the knees. Everyone that knows I’m suffering wants me to recover. They can’t do anything though. I’m the only one who can. Except, I’m not going to do anything about it. 

I’m lost. The scale rises a number each time I step on to it. It frightens me. It’s like waiting to be judged on ‘Master Chef’, but worse in my case. Honestly I don’t see anything that I could do to recover. Is it too hard to ask for a slim healthy body? That’s all I want. Accept I ended up with an eating disorder. 

I’ve been teased in the past about my eating. Been joked about my weight. Even been laughed at. No big deal to anyone. To me, it did. Wouldn’t you feel embarrassed, humiliated even upset when you hear such things about you?  I mean happens all the time in most school to people who gets bullied. So why can’t people understand that, even though it may be a joke, such things can hurt people. So it goes without saying, think before you say. 

Not only have I been teased, I’ve had a rough time too. Parents fighting, family drama, school troubles and even friends fighting. I’m not a clown that can juggle everything all at once. I wasn’t able to do that, so I ended up with a weak mind with negative thoughts about myself. It was said that apparently I had symptoms earlier in the past without realizing but only just the thoughts and just trying to lose weight without having to skip a meal. Until last year, the table turned big time for me. I felt pressured, anxiety, depressed, useless, and heaps more. I know I’m not the only one who goes though such a phase. Now I’m only trying to fight against everyone so I can have my way. 

I had put on too much weight to the point where it’s near to the normal weight range and I’m afraid. I don’t want to go above 50 kilos. I know how most eating disorders tend to hold on to a particular weight where they don’t want to reach and have a panic attack if they do. I guess I’m just waiting to have a panic attack. 

Well I’m out for the night, go to finish off my assignment. This week hasn’t been such a good one with my Great-Grandma gone and everything so who knows what the following days will bring me.

Ciao~

Bananixox 

A death of a family member

R.I.P Great-Grandma.
My first time experiencing a loss of a family member. I didn’t even go to school today and this happens.
Was it a sign?
My mum wakes me from my sleep, she starts crying. I was unsure if I had done something wrong. Until she said she’s not breathing. My Great-Grandma wasn’t breathing. Of course I was in shock. Though honestly I didn’t know how to react. I didn’t know if I should cry or not. I was confused. So I cried confusingly. My mum cried to me. As I cried on her shoulder. First time in awhile since my mum and I have been close like that with each other. She tells me that it isn’t confirmed she has passed away as yet. So I go back to sleep hoping my Great-Grandma will be alright. I don’t like seeing others cry.
Half an hour later, she’s gone.
Again I didn’t know how to react. Like I said before, my first time experiencing a loss of a family member. My mum cries to me again. I cry with her again confusingly. I didn’t know what to do.
As my mum left me to sleep again, I hear her again crying. My dad hadn’t came back from the shops as yet, and as he came, he was obviously confused what was going on.
As my dad found out; he probably said the honest thing I’ve heard from him. That’s how life is.
It’s the truth.
I think to myself, we don’t have a fucking perfect life. I mean look at me. Suffering from depression plus an eating disorder.

What is a perfect life anyways?

I feel..I don’t know. Unusually fat. I don’t want to eat. It’s a weird feeling, experiencing a loss of a family member. I don’t want to experience it again. Places me in an unusual position.

I’m out for today. Going to sleep some more.

Ciao~

:/ Hope my bro and my cousin won’t break down when they come from school.

Bananixox

P.S I love you Great-Grandma.

Procrastinator or Not?

5 more hours until I wake up getting ready for school, and here I am still trying to finish of my h.w. It’s not that I left it to the last minute. I just find myself in a situation where I’m hopelessly depressed. I can’t stop thinking about the fat I keep gaining or how I look bigger than the other girls at my school. It’s too much pressure. 

I just can’t seem to do any cooperate work when all I’m doing is negatively criticizing myself. That is why I sleep. I sleep to get rid of the negative thoughts. Though sometimes I end up having nightmares about my eating disorder. My sleeping habits are horrible now. I sleep during the day and I’m awake during the night rushing to finish of my school work and studies. I end up falling asleep at 3am, so I practically get 3 hours of sleep. Get why I can’t seem to finish my school work on time? 

Tomorrow (actually today since it’s past midnight) I have English class. My English teacher wanted to talk to me about my low grades today. Fucking great. What am I suppose to say to her? I have an eating disorder, so no I can’t properly learn or get good grades plus I don’t eat during school at all. That’s why my brain is like dead during the day. Would that do? 

Sometimes I’m naturally procrastinator. That’s natural for a lot of us. In my case though, I just can’t handle it. I’ve been crying during this week because I’ve noticed a big difference in my body. Hate it. Disgusting. Ugly. I could go on. I’ve been maintaining my weight which is still under weight by over exercising every night. That’s also kind of the reason why I end up sleeping at 3am every night. Now I’m terrified of looking at my scale. I checked it last Friday and I didn’t like the number. I cried. I then overly exercised on the night.

Well before it’s 3am again, I’m going to head out and do the usual’s. Thinking of staying home tomorrow, I don’t think I’ll be able to finish my h.w on time. I also don’t like to see teachers face when we don’t have our h.w completed. Plus I want to avoid my English teacher. I don’t really like telling my teachers about my disorder. I get fucking emotional. I don’t like crying in front of others. It shows the real me.

Adios~

Bananixox 

Why?

I honestly had it.

My anger is about erupt like a freaking volcano. These past few weeks weren’t so good for me. So what happened so far? :

Well firstly I haven’t heard a word from my therapist since she had went on leave for around 4 weeks. I don’t know, maybe she hasn’t came back yet. Though I really need to talk to someone
I went with 12 hours without food. I had to stay back at school for a compulsory English essay task for Yr.12. I don’t even eat during school which is like 7 hours plus the hours I get to school : 2 hours, so plus staying after school which was 2 hours more. Obviously my mum didn’t like the idea and tried to force me to stay at home
I’ve been contemplating whether I should listen to my parents about dropping out of school because it’s beginning to become a struggle for me with my disorder. Though I can’t bring myself to do so
I’ve been crying lately because of my body image and being even more depressed
I’ve been wondering why my friends are even still hanging around with me knowing I’m suffering from an eating disorder
I want to commit suicide
I especially hated yesterday.
TGIF is what I was so happy about yesterday, but I ended up hating it. Why I can’t concentrate at school is, well obviously because I don’t eat and yeah you know what happens when you don’t eat and your mind goes fuzzy trying to learn. I just don’t like eating in front of people. I have this intense fear. I always compare myself to other girls and finding I’m about to cry because I’m that negative towards myself. Yesterday in English class, my teacher comes up to me at the end of the class and asked how I was last year in English. Well I was horrible since I was still suffering from my eating disorder at 38 kilos. I couldn’t tell her that though. Not while other people were around us. She doesn’t know about my disorder, so now she wants to talk to me on Monday because she knows I’m kind of struggling in English. FML. I hate having to tell all the teachers what I’m going through with, because then their faces end up like ‘Oh… oh my god I’m so sorry I asked’. Fuck, I swear my life is putting me under pressure. Our school Formal is coming up and I’m stressing out wondering if I’ll gain heaps of weight before Formal. There’s so much things to study I can’t even be bothered because I’m worthless anyways there’s no point. Even if I over exercise myself out, I don’t get what I exactly want.

Anyways I’m out. Haven’t been able to post anything lately because WordPress system didn’t allow me to =.= until I emailed WordPress the problem.

Adios~

– Bananixox

Crap. Mother’s Day is coming up and I haven’t even prepared anything for my mum as yet -.-“.

Well I hope everyone’s mum has a good mother’s day 🙂 ❤

Not giving up just yet..

Ever since I had put on 2 kilos, I have been exercising more every night. I was planning to go for a run but that was suppose to happen after everyone in the house has gone out. Which never happened. So I’m probably going to stick with crunches and random other exercise.

I don’t know anymore, I don’t know whether it’s time to give up or not. But I thought about it for a while, and my conclusion to it was a mess. So I’m not giving up. Yeah I’m mentally sick… it’s the whole process on an eating disorder. 

Sometimes I think that my body is fine but then like 2 seconds later.. I start criticizing myself. I hate my body image and I will lose more weight even though I’m underweight. I don’t care.

…….

So the past few weeks have been alright for me, as in the fights I keep having with my parents because I wouldn’t want to eat. After my mum has been told not keep shouting at me, things have been alright for me. I haven’t been so anti-social with everyone lately but still needs some work. I know my mum only shouts because she’s frustrated and scared but I don’t like being treated like that, my eating disorder tends to react badly. However, I’m struggling to see my body in positive way. 

I thought about ways of getting my mind off on my eating disorder and I thought maybe going to New York in December since I’ll be finishing off school :). And woop it worked :D! I’ll be going with my mum.

I don’t know if I’m going survive with her without having any fights -.- but we would probably be occupied with shopping lol :). 

Well I’m off, going to … maybe exercise after a little nap. 

Ciao~

– Bananixox