Usually I’d complain about wearing uniform every now and then but I’m actually kinda glad that it’s not like American schools where you would wear anything to school (though I think American schools would be fun to experience). I’d probably waste all my pocket money including my parents money on clothes. Well that was before I had developed an eating disorder. Now I just can’t be bothered to walk in a store filled with clothes that I wished to wear in an impossible size where most people aren’t able to fit into. I don’t know though if I can fit into them anymore or not. I’m too afraid to try now since I know I had put on weight. Ugh. Even just thinking about how much weight I put on makes me want to hurt myself and not treat it properly. I’m still fighting though to lose more weight. Every night I do continuous of exercises. It’s exhausting it burns and hurts. I love the feeling.
I always try to at least give it shot to recover without having to think I have an eating disorder, but that’s like impossible to do. I can still hear my eating disorder whispering things to me that makes me believe and trust him. I don’t want to let go of my eating disorder. Not now. He’s the only friend who can understand me and knows what I want. I can’t trust in what others say. You’re going to die if you keep this up. You’re eating disorder is lying to you. You’re beautiful. You’re not fat. You’re seeing things wrong. STOP. Is all I want to say to them. Because there’s no point of telling me those things. It just makes me more upset. Yes I know they may be right, but I can’t seem to trust anyone even myself.
…ANYWAYS, getting back to the topic of why I hate free dress days at school. Well today was athletics day where everyone gets dressed up in costumes and show support for their team. I on the other hand, honestly don’t give a crap about it. Why? Because I’m too busy being negative towards myself. I compare myself to every other girl in my school. I’m… fat. I hate it. I wanted to cry but I never had cried in front of my friends before and to embarrass to do so. My legs are what really ticks me off. Why are my legs fat and most girls aren’t? I have a friend who has slim legs. I can’t hate her though for it. That’ll be just stupid since she’s my friend. What makes me even more depressed is that she can eat whatever she wants to and not gain anything on her legs. Whereas me…. I don’t even want to talk about it. I wore a long skirt with a jumper which pretty much covered my whole body which I was aiming for. I didn’t want to show my legs or show the shape of it by wearing jeans or pants, so by wearing a long skirt, did the trick. My stomach as well I wanted to cover… thank god for jumpers.
I did get dressed up for the athletics carnival with one of my friends as bananas and pajamas. I didn’t mind wearing the pajamas we bought as it was were huge and covered my whole body. At the end of the day, I finally arrived home tired. I jumped on my bed wanting to sleep and forget how big I looked. Then my mum walks in interrupts me and tells me to come for lunch since I don’t even eat at all at school -.- .
Well next week my therapist comes back from her so called holiday. So I can finally vent all I want at her!
I go to jet. I have my English homework to do and it’s 1:32 am at the moment -.- and I’ll probably sleep at 3am since I have to exercise.
Don’t you wish there was a redo button?