Not such a positive title, I know. Just wanted to be straight forward though.
I feel fat. Ugly. Big. Depressed. Anxiety. The list goes on.
During school I was about to cry. I kept comparing myself to everyone and thought about how much I have gained weighed even though I’m still underweight. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. I hate how society works as well.
You know what really ticks me off? People who disregards others calling them fat. Those people are selfish, up them self’s, has a attitude problem and I could go on. Just calling others fat is also saying that you, yourself is agreeing that your skinny. You may say it as a joke to others at their faces thinking they won’t take it to heart, but what would you know? It hurts.
I’ve been also thinking lately, what if I don’t pass school because of my eating disorder getting in the way? I came to a conclusion that I don’t care anymore. I just want to focus on my body. It’s just things are going not to well for me at school at the moment and I seriously can’t handle it. Even my parents don’t care about school anymore and want me to drop out. That’s probably like every students dream to hear their parents say that. Except I don’t want to drop out of school. Even though I’m pretty sure that I won’t get a good result at the end of the year as I am in yr.12, it doesn’t mean I can’t keep going and trying. I’m still fighting. I’m still wearing a smile (fake smile) on my face everyday in front my friends. I’m still trying.
I’m scared. I’m scared of gaining more weight. Why can’t I have my body that way I want it to be?
It makes me depressed.
Cross that, I’m always depressed.
Ever wondered how anorexia communicates with it’s eating disorder? This is my dialogue with my eating disorder named Steve from today at school. (Don’t judge me okay “>.>… it’s just any easier way of showing how things works in an eating disorder’s mind… Don’t ask about the name either. I don’t know why I named my ED Steve lol.)
Steve: Look at the other girls
Me: I don’t want to…
Steve: You are anyways. Now look at yourself.
Me: I hate my body…
Steve: Good. You should.Do you know why?
Steve: Your fat.
Me: I know that already.
Me: What do I do about it though?
Steve: Don’t worry. I told you I will help you. People will start recognizing you. That would want to become like you. Don’t mess anything up that would ruin everything. Understand?
Me: Of course I understand. I trust you.
Steve: And you always will trust me.
And so I’m off for the night.
Going to do the usual’s.