5 more hours until I wake up getting ready for school, and here I am still trying to finish of my h.w. It’s not that I left it to the last minute. I just find myself in a situation where I’m hopelessly depressed. I can’t stop thinking about the fat I keep gaining or how I look bigger than the other girls at my school. It’s too much pressure.
I just can’t seem to do any cooperate work when all I’m doing is negatively criticizing myself. That is why I sleep. I sleep to get rid of the negative thoughts. Though sometimes I end up having nightmares about my eating disorder. My sleeping habits are horrible now. I sleep during the day and I’m awake during the night rushing to finish of my school work and studies. I end up falling asleep at 3am, so I practically get 3 hours of sleep. Get why I can’t seem to finish my school work on time?
Tomorrow (actually today since it’s past midnight) I have English class. My English teacher wanted to talk to me about my low grades today. Fucking great. What am I suppose to say to her? I have an eating disorder, so no I can’t properly learn or get good grades plus I don’t eat during school at all. That’s why my brain is like dead during the day. Would that do?
Sometimes I’m naturally procrastinator. That’s natural for a lot of us. In my case though, I just can’t handle it. I’ve been crying during this week because I’ve noticed a big difference in my body. Hate it. Disgusting. Ugly. I could go on. I’ve been maintaining my weight which is still under weight by over exercising every night. That’s also kind of the reason why I end up sleeping at 3am every night. Now I’m terrified of looking at my scale. I checked it last Friday and I didn’t like the number. I cried. I then overly exercised on the night.
Well before it’s 3am again, I’m going to head out and do the usual’s. Thinking of staying home tomorrow, I don’t think I’ll be able to finish my h.w on time. I also don’t like to see teachers face when we don’t have our h.w completed. Plus I want to avoid my English teacher. I don’t really like telling my teachers about my disorder. I get fucking emotional. I don’t like crying in front of others. It shows the real me.