Thursday night. I’m trapped in my own thoughts. I hate this. I hate my body. I hate the fact that I hate what I see. I hate how I have a weak mind. I’m always negative. I get put off from doing things like trying to study. I can’t do it. The negative thoughts that runs through my head 24 hours, makes me weak in the knees. Everyone that knows I’m suffering wants me to recover. They can’t do anything though. I’m the only one who can. Except, I’m not going to do anything about it.
I’m lost. The scale rises a number each time I step on to it. It frightens me. It’s like waiting to be judged on ‘Master Chef’, but worse in my case. Honestly I don’t see anything that I could do to recover. Is it too hard to ask for a slim healthy body? That’s all I want. Accept I ended up with an eating disorder.
I’ve been teased in the past about my eating. Been joked about my weight. Even been laughed at. No big deal to anyone. To me, it did. Wouldn’t you feel embarrassed, humiliated even upset when you hear such things about you? I mean happens all the time in most school to people who gets bullied. So why can’t people understand that, even though it may be a joke, such things can hurt people. So it goes without saying, think before you say.
Not only have I been teased, I’ve had a rough time too. Parents fighting, family drama, school troubles and even friends fighting. I’m not a clown that can juggle everything all at once. I wasn’t able to do that, so I ended up with a weak mind with negative thoughts about myself. It was said that apparently I had symptoms earlier in the past without realizing but only just the thoughts and just trying to lose weight without having to skip a meal. Until last year, the table turned big time for me. I felt pressured, anxiety, depressed, useless, and heaps more. I know I’m not the only one who goes though such a phase. Now I’m only trying to fight against everyone so I can have my way.
I had put on too much weight to the point where it’s near to the normal weight range and I’m afraid. I don’t want to go above 50 kilos. I know how most eating disorders tend to hold on to a particular weight where they don’t want to reach and have a panic attack if they do. I guess I’m just waiting to have a panic attack.
Well I’m out for the night, go to finish off my assignment. This week hasn’t been such a good one with my Great-Grandma gone and everything so who knows what the following days will bring me.