I was freaking out yesterday. My mum and I went to a mall and practically shopped till we dropped. It was heaps fun except I had to have lunch there. Now here’s the thing, yes I don’t like eating in front of others unless I don’t know them so it was okay to eat at the shops, however I was freaking out because how was I suppose to purge straight after? I had a simple lunch, a sandwich with chicken and avocado. It was good but I so badly wanted to get it out of my system! So I told myself just to relax and just don’t drink anything and just wait until I get back home to try if I can purge out lunch. I ended up drinking heaps of water.
We also ended up staying at the mall for how many hours? God knows. It was quite big so my mum and I took awhile to try and figure out the way out. As we arrived home, I straight away went to my room, took my spare tooth brush that I use to purge, and took out a bag to throw up in. As I was about to purge, my brother and my dad calls from their holiday overseas on Skype =.=. So I answered and tried to end the conversation but then my mum comes in to talk to them! Argh.
After we finally ended the call, my mum keeps interrupting me and then she comes with yoghurt, my afternoon snack! That’s when I just gave up on purging lunch and just purged out the yoghurt. I checked my weight though and I’m still underweight so I guess it was okay to not purge out lunch. I’ll admit, it wasn’t that big of a lunch.
I sound mentally sick, yes I know. That’s what anorexia does to you.
I’m out for today, still in bed and sleeping in probably till 12:30pm.
P.S : I got my formal dress :DDD …. That’s another thing to worry about soon, formal.
Walls are closing in
Yet I still stand in between
Alone I suffer
It’s without a question I wonder
It’s my choice to stop
However I do not
I’ll continue standing here
Though I can promise you I won’t move from there
Frustration took over me. I was trying so hard to purge out all of lunch but only half came out. I was forcing so hard that I practically can feel like I’m damaging my esophagus. I ended up giving up. Then as I was talking to my brother who went overseas with my dad to Malaysia, my mum comes gives me yoghurt. I was worried that as I was still talking to my brother I may not be able to purge enough. However, after talking to my brother, my mum went out to do some grocery shopping. That lent me a chance to quickly purge. And so I purged out the yoghurt and also eventually the rest of lunch. Except something happened. I was purging too much and that I knew I was damaging my esophagus that blood ended up coming out. Though only a little bit. But I am worried.
I am happy though. I lost more weight! But how am I going to explain this to my therapist? She doesn’t even know about me purging as yet.
Argh I’m out :/. Tired ~.~ nighty night.
So I haven’t been posting much lately. Why?
To be busy purging.
It’s a routine now. I have to do it.
So what’s been happening lately?
Well for starters I’m losing more weight. Yay! Yeah no, it’s not something I should be proud of but something I should be aware of how dangerous this is. My therapist has begun to be suspicious of my sudden weight drop as well, and no I haven’t as yet told her that I’m purging.
At the moment, I’m at my final warning now. Actually I don’t think I have anymore. Three more appointments with my therapist and no weight gain or me trying to put in effort in recovering, drop out of school and in a recovery center is where I’m supposedly heading off too. I may seem like it’s nothing.
I’m actually freaking out! No I don’t want to drop out of school! It’s my last year, plus I only have a few more months since Year 12’s get to finish off school early than any other year levels. I don’t want to suffer in that recovery center D: ! Who knows what will happen. So technically speaking … I’m actually scared.
I can’t seem to stop purging and I really want to stop! I just don’t want to do this! It’s too much. My throat hurts from the continuous purging and I’ve became weak again. I get dizzy, I feel sick, and get exhausted very easily. This isn’t the first time I’m experiencing these things. When I was at 38 kilos it was much worse. I’m going backwards all over again. Before anyone found out about me suffering from an eating disorder including myself, I used to only eat one meal every day, and throw my meals out or give it to my dog. So technically I’m doing the same thing again, only eating one meal but instead of throwing away my other meals given to me, I eat them then purge.
How do I stop this? I need to stop. Should I tell my therapist? But I don’t want my parents to know either. They’ll be even more stressed and worried 😦 .
AGH LIFE IS UNFAIR. NUFF SAID.
Anyways I’m out, I’m feeling quite sick again :\. I’m going to take a small nap before my mum calls me for dinner.
It’s been.. how long since I started purging? I can’t remember 2 weeks or so. I haven’t stop since then. I throw up after every meal and I can’t help myself to do so. I feel disgusted in myself and I want to stop.
But I can’t stop. The voice I hear inside my head scares me. So I have to do so. I haven’t even told my therapist about me purging as yet because I’m afraid she might end up telling my parents, and I don’t want them to know. I want to tell my therapist because I don’t want to force myself to throw up everyday! I want that voice inside my head to shut up already and let me be!!
My mum is already becoming suspicious of me and so I have to be more careful.
I don’t want to eat, but I don’t want to purge. Only reason I’m forcing myself to do is because I can’t get away from the food my parents give me. So the only option I had was to purge, which was probably a stupid idea, I know.
Anyways, I’m going to take a small nap for now.
Hated today. I had a Maths SAC otherwise known as a Maths test for Yr12’s after school until 5:15pm.
I didn’t even barely touch it. Fuck. I don’t want to admit it. I hate admitting it. But I was hungry.
My stomach was growling, I could hear it and was afraid if anyone else could too. I know I failed I barely touched the test, literally a 0%. After the test everyone including my friends were happy because they said it was easy. The fuck -.-. I didn’t want to say to them that I didn’t even touched it because I couldn’t concentrate because I was hungry. I didn’t want to admit it. So here I am at home now feeling as depressed as ever. I ate my so called late lunch since I don’t eat during school at all, and then later purged. I wasn’t going to do it but when I started to purge, I couldn’t stop.
I just had yogurt which my mum just gave me, and now I don’t know whether to purge again or not. My throat hurts but if I don’t purge, I would probably regret it. So I think I will. Gahh -.-
I want to ask the teacher if I could redo the test because I wasn’t feeling well, I mean she already knows about my eating disorder. She should understand right? :(. Argh I feel depressed.
I’m out. Going to purge and then take a small nap.
Okay so I found out that purging is also another symptom of anorexia and not just bulimia.
So how have I been? Shit.
I can’t stop purging after every meal except breakfast. I hate purging. But when I do purge, I feel happy. Lately I haven’t been able to stop purging, and I realize that my stomach is becoming flatter. I just need to work on my legs and arms.
Fuck. I sound selfish. I know. I don’t mean to though. It’s like having someone else control you.
I want to stop purging. I need to stop. I know the consequences but yet I still do it. Why? Fuck, I don’t know.
I can’t control myself, I just let Steve (eating disorder) control me. I’ve been with him since last year and can’t seem to let go of him. I’m too afraid. But don’t know of what. Whether I’m afraid of Steve or afraid of eating.
Yr 12 is draining me at the same time. I can’t even concentrate because I’m too busy criticizing myself about how big I am to the other girls at school.
I’m heading out for now. It’s 1:00pm and I’m still in bed.