Lost control

So I haven’t been posting much lately. Why? 

To be busy purging. 

It’s a routine now. I have to do it. 

So what’s been happening lately? 

Well for starters I’m losing more weight. Yay! Yeah no, it’s not something I should be proud of but something I should be aware of how dangerous this is. My therapist has begun to be suspicious of my sudden weight drop as well, and no I haven’t as yet told her that I’m purging. 

At the moment, I’m at my final warning now. Actually I don’t think I have anymore. Three more appointments with my therapist and no weight gain or me trying to put in effort in recovering, drop out of school and in a recovery center is where I’m supposedly heading off too. I may seem like it’s nothing. 

I’m actually freaking out! No I don’t want to drop out of school! It’s my last year, plus I only have a few more months since Year 12’s get to finish off school early than any other year levels. I don’t want to suffer in that recovery center D: ! Who knows what will happen. So technically speaking … I’m actually scared. 

I can’t seem to stop purging and I really want to stop! I just don’t want to do this! It’s too much. My throat hurts from the continuous purging and I’ve became weak again. I get dizzy, I feel sick, and get exhausted very easily. This isn’t the first time I’m experiencing these things. When I was at 38 kilos it was much worse. I’m going backwards all over again. Before anyone found out about me suffering from an eating disorder including myself, I used to only eat one meal every day, and throw my meals out or give it to my dog. So technically I’m doing the same thing again, only eating one meal but instead of throwing away my other meals given to me, I eat them then purge. 

How do I stop this? I need to stop. Should I tell my therapist? But I don’t want my parents to know either. They’ll be even more stressed and worried 😦 .

AGH LIFE IS UNFAIR. NUFF SAID. 

Anyways I’m out, I’m feeling quite sick again :\. I’m going to take a small nap before my mum calls me for dinner. 

Ciao~

– Bananixox

 

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