I’m a coward

Last week was just horrible. Been caught purging and what not. I’ve talked to my psychologist about it and what she said really got to me. I tried to do what she asked me to try and do and I did but didn’t work out as well as I planned but I’m still working on it. You see I promised that I wouldn’t purge no more. But I was wrong. Still do it everyday just so I can maintain my unhealthy weight.
GAH I HATE IT I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!
The only reason my ED is making me do this is because of my yr 12 formal that’s coming up on Thursday. So I thought to myself well if my ED is going to make do this because of formal, then after formal is over, it’s time to take a step. And I mean one big step this time. I had it. Literally I had it.
But I’m still so confused…
You see I don’t want an eating disorder but I want to stay underweight yet I want to eat normally. See? I don’t know what to do.
Anyways, I’ve been given 2 weeks to see how I go and if nothing has improved then I’ll have to drop out of school and go to a day programming that will help me out of this disorder. So I’m fighting this. For my family, friends, and me.
I have to. This time it’s serious.
I’ve heard from a few people who has been suffering from an eating disorder and have decided to take the plunge and fight harder and it seemed it worked for them.
So why didn’t I do that earlier?
Because I’m a coward.
Simple as that.
Now if you’d excuse me I have to somehow break the tension between my mum and I since we had a fight just an hour ago cause I got caught again trying to purge. However I did something that I wouldn’t never thought I would have done. I stopped myself. I couldn’t do it. And I was happy that I did but unfortunately my mum came in the wrong time and I couldn’t explain to her that I had stopped myself. I only vomited out saliva only -3- so either I couldn’t purge properly.
Okay I’m gong to show my mum my result that I got for my English oral, a B+ :). And my report that I hid cause I thought it was going to be horrible but this years report for yr.12’s doesn’t show our marks so all good ^^. Fingers crossed that I can brake the ice between my mum and I :s ✌

Adios~
Bananixox

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3 thoughts on “I’m a coward

  1. Keep fighting! Freedom is so so worth it, and it’s completely possible. I’ve struggled with bulimia for the past five years, but I’m waist-deep in recovery and discovering so much healing and hope.

    I’m so proud of you for stopping mid-purge! I know how absolutely impossible it feels to pull away, that is an incredible victory.

    Jump in. Dig deeper. Face everything you’re afraid of. You’re not a coward, even if you behaved like one. You can choose courage. You can choose freedom!

    Stay strong, beautiful.

    • Thank you so much for your encouragement. It’s nice to receive encouragement when I’m in hole. Not going to be easy fighting but I’m going to have to!
      Thanks again xx

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