Last week was just horrible. Been caught purging and what not. I’ve talked to my psychologist about it and what she said really got to me. I tried to do what she asked me to try and do and I did but didn’t work out as well as I planned but I’m still working on it. You see I promised that I wouldn’t purge no more. But I was wrong. Still do it everyday just so I can maintain my unhealthy weight.
GAH I HATE IT I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!
The only reason my ED is making me do this is because of my yr 12 formal that’s coming up on Thursday. So I thought to myself well if my ED is going to make do this because of formal, then after formal is over, it’s time to take a step. And I mean one big step this time. I had it. Literally I had it.
But I’m still so confused…
You see I don’t want an eating disorder but I want to stay underweight yet I want to eat normally. See? I don’t know what to do.
Anyways, I’ve been given 2 weeks to see how I go and if nothing has improved then I’ll have to drop out of school and go to a day programming that will help me out of this disorder. So I’m fighting this. For my family, friends, and me.
I have to. This time it’s serious.
I’ve heard from a few people who has been suffering from an eating disorder and have decided to take the plunge and fight harder and it seemed it worked for them.
So why didn’t I do that earlier?
Because I’m a coward.
Simple as that.
Now if you’d excuse me I have to somehow break the tension between my mum and I since we had a fight just an hour ago cause I got caught again trying to purge. However I did something that I wouldn’t never thought I would have done. I stopped myself. I couldn’t do it. And I was happy that I did but unfortunately my mum came in the wrong time and I couldn’t explain to her that I had stopped myself. I only vomited out saliva only -3- so either I couldn’t purge properly.
Okay I’m gong to show my mum my result that I got for my English oral, a B+ :). And my report that I hid cause I thought it was going to be horrible but this years report for yr.12’s doesn’t show our marks so all good ^^. Fingers crossed that I can brake the ice between my mum and I :s ✌