Freaking the freak out

So at the moment I’m at my cousins place. My grandma lives with my cousins family. Because it was my grandma’s birthday, I had to come over at their place to meet her.
I haven’t been to their place since like at the beginning of the year. Reason why I don’t want to go to their place is because they serve food. I can’t throw a tantrum, I can’t run, I can’t do anything about it because these people would probably be frightened by me and wouldn’t want to see me no more.
I forgot to tell my dad to tell them I don’t want to eat. But it was too late.
My grandma was obviously happy to see me.

She then began .. serving food. Fml. I thought she wouldn’t come to knowing about my eating disorder, but I was wrong.

It was cake. Chocolate cake. CHOCOLATE CAKE. It was freaking CHOCOLATE!
I told her I didn’t want anything but she kept on persuading me to eat. Then comes my aunty saying but I have to eat because it was her birthday yesterday! I know it was her birthday but I’m suffering from a serious illness!! Do they not understand!?
I kept saying no and then everyone was on to me. I wanted to cry so badly. I was terrified and I’m still am. Then my grandma broke a small piece and told me to take a bite. I couldn’t do anything about it because everyone was pressuring me and plus my grandma was already trying to put it in my mouth.
It goes in my mouth. Chocolate. The small piece of cake dissolving with saliva. My heart races, tears brimming near the corners of eyes. I swallow. Down my esophagus it goes. Fml. Is all I can say.
I need to purge. I have to purge. But I can’t. My dad doesn’t understand how frighten I am. To think he’ll comfort me.

But I can’t hate my relatives.
That’s why it’s so hard to hate them for giving me a piece of cake.
Their too nice.

I hate my life.
I need help.
I’m too scared.
My ED is taking over everything I can’t enjoy anymore.

I’m out for now. Still at my cousins.

Ciao~

Bananixox

 

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