Gone crazy

I think I have been putting on a little bit of weight since I can’t immediately purge straight after eating because my mum makes me stay with her for an hour and a half.

Today I was really angry. After school, since I don’t eat anything during school time my mum makes sure to give me a proper lunch when I come home. I had a home made chicken pie with veggies. I ate it quite fast because it didn’t make me feel heavy at all or didn’t seem salty and what not. After that I had to have ice cream and it was so freaking cold today too! I had that and had to wait for an hour and half. I fell asleep thinking my mum would wake me up saying I can go, but she didn’t! She goes to get a haircut!! What the actual fuck?

You’d think my Dad would wake me up to =.=.

I wake up frightened by the fact if I couldn’t purge. So I went to the bathroom as fast as I could and tried to purge. Nothing came out.

I started to panic. I knew I had to calm myself down so I took a deep breath and tried to relax and just walk away from this. I couldn’t though. I just had to try one more time. So I did and I was successful enough to at least purge out the ice cream. I’m not so sure if the pie came out of me but I don’t know why I wasn’t that worried about it still being inside of me. I guess because it was a small and light lunch with veggies I suppose. I don’t know but I was still frustrated because I could have tried harder. 

Dinner was soon to be my next meal. It was KFC. Chicken with coleslaw and one small dinner bun. As I was eating it, I made sure to eat the least food that’s low in calores. So the lowest in calories would be still in my stomach in case if I can’t purge out properly and the the food that are the most wanted to be purged out would be eaten last. So I did that and finished everything. 

Argh, my mum then comes with dessert. A strawberry smoothie. Farout.

I drank that and again had to wait for half an hour. I fell asleep again and so did my mum. I woke then and on time and woke her up and said I’m going back to my room. I left. I don’t want to stay there with her -.-. 

Everyone else was asleep and I had the chance to purge. I kept on purging and purging however I don’t think it was enough but I couldn’t go on nothing would come out. 

After that I washed myself up all clean and took my medicine (anti depressant) and did some exercise this time. Something of what I haven’t done in a while now. Reason why I had stopped exercising was because I was purging a lot and I had lost more weight then and so I thought exercising wouldn’t have to be the case to do everyday anymore. 

But now I wan’t to try harder this time. 

My eating disorder is a monster. But his my friend too. 

I can’t let go of him. Has always been by my side. 

But sometimes he scares me. 

And I scare myself. 

I do what he says because he knows the best ways to make me feel better. 

But really does he?

 

I’m out for the night.

Ciao~

Bananixox

 

 

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