Wow, it has been almost 2 years since I had my eating disorder and I haven’t gotten out of it as yet.
The only thing I want to do is lose weight. But I can’t since my parents are giving me high calorie food!
However I purge after every meal except breakfast.
I realized over the past 2 weeks so far that I have been gaining weight and I am defiantly not liking it!!
I’m actually quite angry and depressed. Yeah depressed. Really depressed that I just don’t want to do anything. I’m in bed right now because I’m depressed =3=. Tomorrow is the second week of term school holidays and I have not yet studied anything at all for my final exams all because I’ve been depressed!!!! (even though it’s like in November but it’s better to start early)
I’ve been focusing more and more on my body lately instead of worrying about other things in life. Eating disorders (anorexia) know if they have gained fat on some part of their bodies and then start to freak out like I just did today -.-. Other’s may not know the difference because well for starters they don’t have an eating disorder and they haven’t spend all their life time, everyday on their bodies.
My legs have gained fat and I just want to cry, and no I’m not sarcastically saying it I really mean it.
I’ve noticed that my Mum hasn’t been eating much or not eating properly. One morning she came up to me and said she lost weight and got scared that she started eating heaps. Bullcrap.
She’s probably happy she lost weight. She told me that she dropped down to 58 or 56 I can’t remember, but it’s what I used to be! I’m not happy at all with that. So I’m sticking to being underweight.
I sound selfish I know.. but I don’t mean to be T.T.
Why is life so tormenting -.-.
I’m out for now.
So for those who have seen my recent post ‘Uh Oh..’ I have mentioned that I have spotted an active caries (cavity) on one of my tooth. I said that I couldn’t remove it and immediately started to freak out. Well guess fu*king what.
FEKSIEBSIABAKAJAHSKS. Farout =.=. Gave me a bloody heart attack.
It’s not a cavity.
And here I was freakin out thinking what to do or how should I break it to my parents.
WHATEVER THAT WAS ON MY TOOTH … I SWEAR… It did a pretty good job scaring the crap out of me. Excuse my language.
I can breathe now.
You know what though? It really did get me to wake up and just make me realize that it’s a bad thing to purge. :L Nah Duh.
So now I have to be more careful. I’m going to buy mouth wash!
However it doesn’t stop me from purging. But it did get me to think. A lot. Gosh I was on the verge to just die on the spot! I need to stop purging. It is very dangerous and I knew that from the beginning. I’m still in recovery mode but it’s going to be a long journey well hopefully not.
Okay I’m out for now. I actually had purged out lunch out as soon as I found out it wasn’t a cavity but I kept tissues around my teeth lol.
Just at 4am while I was in the bathroom (I tend to stay up late), I was brushing my teeth and thought to myself that I’ll have to quickly do something about my teeth that are slowly becoming yellow. As I finished up, I wanted to take a closer look at my teeth, when I did.
I came across something that I wish I hadn’t but if I didn’t then I’d be screwed.
I found a small brown spot on one of tooth!!!
Now I know what you’re thinking “it’s because you have been purging like everyday!”. I know that but how do I stop!?
At first I thought it was food just stuck there but it wouldn’t come off. So then I went on the net to check it up afraid of what may come up but I was expecting it. An active caries. What the actual fuck :(! Now I really don’t know what to do! The sad thing is, my mum directly told me if I end up getting cavities that she won’t take me to the dentist. But I think she only told me that to scare me. I don’t want to tell her, neither to my dad. I’m really scared and don’t know what to do. Should I email my psychologist? Does anyone know what I should do :'(?
I feel like crying and just giving up on everything. Now I’m scared of purging but I still have to even though I know I shouldn’t be!! I hate my eating disorder. It makes me do this.
I’ll have to somehow cover all of my teeth with something while purging :(.
I just need someone to talk to.
I seriously can’t stop.
I can’t stop purging. Everyday I do it and I just can’t seem to stop. All the food that my mum makes just comes out. I tell myself I have to try at least give a try and see how I feel the next day. I couldn’t do it, I just have to purge. If I don’t, he will make me. By he I mean my eating disorder. I’m not sure why my psychologist told me to name my eating disorder but I came up with Steve.
So I have been eating at school, only fruits though during lunch time, though I haven’t taken any fruits this week to school. My friends have been helping me throughout this and I couldn’t be thank them enough. Just proves who you’re real friends are.Though I’m still stressing about if I gain weight or if I’ll look like I have gained weight. I always compare myself to other girls in my school too and I hate doing that. Gah. You know what I really hate? When my friends eat. Their lunch just makes me go crazy. The smell of their food is like it’s punching me right in the gut. I can’t take it anymore. That’s why I get excited every time I go home so I can finally eat actual lunch. However, I then purge it out. I don’t want to eat, but I just want to get rid of the hunger inside of me. I don’t purge out breakfast though.
Tomorrow one my friends is having her 18th birthday party. It’s going to be huge like 150 people. Now i have be worried about what I wear. I don’t want to show my body shape or my stomach. I’m going to the shops early in the morning to look for something I can feel comfortable in. I stress out too much.
On top of everything, my final exams are coming up and so is my year 12 graduation! All these assignments and test are coming up and I have no time to worry about them because I’m too freaking busy about my weight and body! What the hell!?
I really don’t want to disappoint my mum. She told me numerous of times not to purge and yet she keeps on catching me. So this time I have been very careful of my actions making sure when to purge at exact time. Life is hard. I just want to become a ‘sim’ so I don’t have to think about my actions when someone else can just control them for me. …. But then again… I am being controlled.
I’m going to head of now. Long day tomorrow.