Stress

I seriously can’t stop. 

I can’t stop purging. Everyday I do it and I just can’t seem to stop. All the food that my mum makes just comes out. I tell myself I have to try at least give a try and see how I feel the next day. I couldn’t do it, I just have to purge. If I don’t, he will make me. By he I mean my eating disorder. I’m not sure why my psychologist told me to name my eating disorder but I came up with Steve. 

So I have been eating at school, only fruits though during lunch time, though I haven’t taken any fruits this week to school. My friends have been helping me throughout this and I couldn’t be thank them enough. Just proves who you’re real friends are.Though I’m still stressing about if I gain weight or if I’ll look like I have gained weight. I always compare myself to other girls in my school too and I hate doing that. Gah. You know what I really hate? When my friends eat. Their lunch just makes me go crazy. The smell of their food is like it’s punching me right in the gut. I can’t take it anymore. That’s why I get excited every time I go home so I can finally eat actual lunch. However, I then purge it out. I don’t want to eat, but I just want to get rid of the hunger inside of me. I don’t purge out breakfast though. 

Tomorrow one my friends is having her 18th birthday party. It’s going to be huge like 150 people. Now i have be worried about what I wear. I don’t want to show my body shape or my stomach. I’m going to the shops early in the morning to look for something I can feel comfortable in. I stress out too much.

On top of everything, my final exams are coming up and so is my year 12 graduation! All these assignments and test are coming up and I have no time to worry about them because I’m too freaking busy about my weight and body! What the hell!?

I really don’t want to disappoint my mum. She told me numerous of times not to purge and yet she keeps on catching me. So this time I have been very careful of my actions making sure when to purge at exact time. Life is hard. I just want to become a ‘sim’ so I don’t have to think about my actions when someone else can just control them for me. …. But then again… I am being controlled. 

Aish.

I’m going to head of now. Long day tomorrow.

Adios~

Bananixox 

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