It’s not fair

So I haven’t stopped purging. In fact I think things have gone worse.
I think I’m putting on weight but then I lose it. My weight goes up and down. I’ve been literally been hating myself everyday. My depression has become worse.
You know what sucks? Exams coming soon next month. I can’t even try to study because all I do is freaking purge all day and there’s that little voice in the back if my head that’s afraid to speak up trying to snap out of it and just be me. But you see I don’t even know who me is anymore.
Today I’m losing it. My depression really has gone worse. It’s becoming hot over where I live however in the night the temperature drops. And fuck who can sleep in the cold night? I have a heater duct and my family leaves it on everyday however today they don’t want it on because they get hot. Then take of your freaking blanket off! My room is small and gets cold easily and I have a small bed. My family all sleeps together too!! What the fuck!! That’s my mum, my dad and my brother. So of course they’ll get hot in the night and yet they don’t think about me!!! Had a fight with my parents about it and I’m now in my room crying. I hate depression -.-.
But overall I am depressed about everything in life except the fact I actually have a life. It’s just unfair. It’s unfair I have to go through this. I already had enough torture when I was young and I don’t need anything worse!
Feeling fat and stupid is the worse especially when you’re suffering from anorexia. Fuck life.
I’m out.
Ciao~

Bananixox

Advertisements

Gravy & Potato

Not good. Definitely not good.
I gained weight by a bit. I feel fat. I look fat. I hate myself.
Today just a few minutes ago I just had dinner. This dinner I absolutely hate. KFC. Okay so usually I would eat chicken with coleslaw. But today? The fuck?! My mum gives me gravy and potato. I HATE GRAVY AND POTATO ESPECIALLY KFC GRAVY AND POTATO FROM KFC! DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS MADE OUT OF!? CHICKEN FAT!!
I had a fight with my mum but I gave in because at the end it doesn’t matter to me because I purge after every meal.
I’m out for now too frustrated.
Ciao~
Bananixox

FAT

What is fat? 

Big? Ugly? Huge? Large? Disgusting? Diabetic? Loner? Lazy? 

That’s all bull.

Stereotypical is the culprit. We’re all are in some way or the other and you know it.

You know what I hate about me? Even though what I said above about fat and being stereotypical, I still think I’m FAT. 

Today I feel really depressed. I don’t know why but I just feel…. what’s the word… .shit. Yeah I feel like shit. Excuse my language ^^.

I was just in the bathroom a few minutes ago brushing my teeth and I was looking at my stomach and I just went extremely down as in extremely depressed.

I hate the way I look! Why can’t I just be healthy and normally eat yet …… I really don’t want to say this word but … be skinny. It’s unfair that those who are naturally thin can eat and eat and not put on anything!

Screw everything and screw life. I seriously wouldn’t be surprised if I ended up committing suicide. ….But I wouldn’t be surprised would I? I’d be dead so no, I wouldn’t know if I’d be surprised or not.

Okay that’s enough for now.

Adios~

Bananixox