I DID IT

I did it. I actually did it.

I didn’t purge at all today.

I think I’m finally coming out of it. I think I can do this. I just got to keep on trying, right? 

I actually went through the day without purging. I still can’t believe it. 

Though, don’t think I didn’t have the urge to purge (kekekeke that rhymed ^^). I so badly wanted to purge, you had no idea. The feeling of having food in my stomach for a long time, I felt like screaming my bloody lungs out. I really wanted to purge. I could hear my ED (eating disorder) scolding me for not listening. He’s still angry at me. 

I kept repeating to myself though, ‘Just eat. Just eat. Just eat. Then when all this is done, you can do whatever you want.’ . It actually worked. I can’t believe it still. 

I can’t believe I actually got through the day without purging. I didn’t even hide any food given to me, I just ate it. Then I just distracted myself. 

I told my friends about how I may gain heaps of weight because my Mum is doubling my food, but they don’t care. They don’t care about my size. They only care about me. Not my appearance, but just me

I started crying when they told me this. I’m glad I have friends like them who supports me. I really am. 

Well this is one day gone through. I gotta keep going.

Oh, though I did throw a tantrum for dessert. I usually have an ‘Up&Go’ which is this milk which is really good I have to admit. I usually drink the vanilla flavor but now my Mum changed that to a milkshake! So everyday now I’m having 2 milkshake and it really pisses me off because I’m actually freaking sick of that shit. So I told my Mum about how I’m sick of it and I won’t drink it. So she brings me ice cream instead however once I tasted it I knew she put powder in it which I presumably think is suppose to make me gain weight . And the funny part was she was completely denying it. Does she really think I’m stupid. Fuck sake. I’m going to find that powder and throw it away. At that point I really was going to purge but then my Mum made me stay with her for 2 freaking whole hours. Still pissed off but I gotta keep on going. 

Anyways, I’m out for the night ^^ 

Ciao~

Bananixox

This is it.

Decision has been made.

Today for dinner I tried hiding chicken down my top. My mum found out eventually. Had the worse fight.
She doesn’t care about me. Before you say ‘no she does, she’s just worried and scared about you because you’re sick’ … She told me herself.
Right now I’m in my room, on the floor, with my dog, with eyes puffed and a runny nose from crying.
My mum told me that she’s going to commit suicide. She’s serious this time. She has depression too which I got it from her, so she might do it.

I came to a final decision.

I’m just going to eat. (Crap, I’m crying again) I’m going to eat whatever my parents give me because you know why? As soon as I become the normal weight, I can then eat whatever and exercise as well. My parents said so themselves once I get out of this. I’ll go back to being underweight. But I won’t stop eating. I know what I did back then when no one knew I was anorexic was really …well quite bad. I won’t go back to being a stick to the point where all my bones will be sticking out. Just skinny/thin yet fit because I will be eating.
I don’t think I’ll talk to my parents. No. I won’t. I’ll just eat and show them how depressed I am by not talking. Yeah. I’ll do that. Well it’s not like they care for me anyways. So why talk to them.
I feel really bad for my dad, I mean of course my mum too but my dad has diabetes (wow I just realize how opposite this is. Me being anorexic and my dad being diabetic). Apparently my dad became really sick. Where he’s under the threat of losing an eye. I’m pretty sure everyone will blame me for everything. I won’t be surprised if they did.
Well yeah that’s my decision. After an year and well now nearly 2 years of being anorexic (even though I don’t look anorexic but I am underweight), I finally came to a decision to just eat because I will eventually start to eat my own food and exercise to lose the weight but normally this time. I will lose the weight. I will.
I’m freaking terrified but I’m going to do it. Just going to keep telling myself that once everything is over, I can eat whatever I want without anyone saying anything.
Okay. Well I guess that’s it. Fingers crossed for the best.
Leave comments? I wonder what you guys may think about this.
I’m going now. Not for my daily routine (purge, exercise and then sleep) But to just brush my teeth then off to bed to prepare myself for the days ahead. So technically, today at lunch where I had fish and vegetables, was my ever last purge. Because I won’t purge. No I can’t. I won’t. I will get what I want later. It will happen soon. I have to promise myself.
I hope you would wish me luck.

Okay then. That’s it.

Bye~

Bananixox … (S.DS)

Help me

I’m scared. No, worse. I’m more than scared but don’t know what word to use. 

Yesterday and today was just horrible. So the day before yesterday was my graduation dinner with my year 12’s with all our parents. I ate dinner which my parents forced me to. Then yesterday in the morning my mum gave me my usual cereal and orange juice then after 2 hours later I had to have my milkshake. I needed to purge, but I was so tired to walk up to the bathroom so I purged inside my room but then my mum decided to come in my room at that time to get something. So yeah I got caught. Had a big fight and what not. However, yes I know what I did was wrong BUT she was blaming my friends? I kept telling her that they don’t have an eating disorder so it’s okay for them to go on a diet or what not but none of them are on a diet they eat heaps! But no my mum doesn’t believe neither does my dad and it makes me furious. So I kept refusing to do what they wanted me to do because they kept blaming my friends. My mum called them ugly bitches.  Was that right? Would you stand there and listen to someone talking about you’re friends who have been supporting you? So of course I wouldn’t stand there, I had to shout back. 

However today was the worse. My mum wouldn’t let me go anywhere!! When I went to the bathroom just to brush my teeth she opened the door unexpectedly saying I’m throwing up. What the hell and I just got in there. So after that the day went on and then came evening. I ate rice and then had to have a stupid mlkshake again (I’m sick of having it everyday). After my dinner I went into my room and yes I had to purge. I was caught and kept refusing I was purging but then again my mum blamed my friends for everything. I was so furious at this point that she hit me and then slapped me. I grabbed my shoes and tried to run out because I don’t want to live here anymore if I’m going to be called a bitch and being punched at by my own parents. 

Parents grabbed me and pushed me away from running out. Then my mum repeatedly was hitting me. I now have finger nail marks on both my arms, my finger is bleeding my leg hurts from being hit. it’s not that disciplined hitting thing, she went crazy like she was going to murder me.I wanted to cry so badly but I don’t like showing my weak side. I hate HATE crying in front of people for that exact reason, showing my weak side. Is anyone else like that? 

I’m scared for the morning. I really don’t know what to do. I just want to eat a healthier option and exercise normally. But I can’t do that because my parents are just going to feed me until I’m … well fat. 

Crap… I feel like crying again. 

You know if there were a rest button, I would defiantly press that. 

Well I’m out for now. Going to exercise out of frustration and from being hurt. Then I’ll go watch… I don’t know some random videos on the net. Oh Glee ^^ and Skins U.K version :P.

Adios~

Bananixox 

P.S: What do I do? Help me. 

Back ~

So I haven’t been posting as much since I was quite busy. But here’s what has happened so far:

I finally graduated from high school which is kind of upsetting but hey I’m free now.

My exams began afterwards and I was quite nervous because I really didn’t think I could pass any one of them. My eating disorder has been the same. Hasn’t changed. Still purging. And no one knows. My family thinks I stopped purging and I’m only just refusing to eat. I found a new strategy though and it has been successful for a while now (I hope I don’t jinx it). Studying for exams has been hard because most of the day I spend time trying to lose weight and then I stay up late at night just to try and study but end up feeling tired and then just sleeping. Well I finished all my exams and well I don’t know how I went I just I hope I did well enough to go to University.

I have a lot of pressure right now. I heard my Dad say one day to my Mum “Don’t worry, don’t expect her to get a good ATAR (a high score to get into University)”. Do you know how upset I felt? I was angry and depressed. I wanted to cry because my own parents doubted myself. So then my eating disorder made me work and lose weight harder. I have the impression of being perfect for my parents because that’s what I feel like they want. I’m afraid. Afraid of so many things I don’t know where to begin. If I don’t get in to University, it’s okay because here in Australia we have the option of going to TAFE which is like a school, And after the years of going to TAFE is over, you get to go into University straight away. So either way I don’t mind but I’m afraid of letting down my parents. What will they say if I don’t get in? Would they think I’m stupid? Would they think I’m not good enough? Would they be embarrassed of me? Would they think I’m not smart? Would they be jealous of other people my age who got into University?

I feel like crying right now.

December the 27th is when I’ll be leaving with my Mum to New York.

Not good because I thought by then I’d be over my eating disorder. Well no.

And if I don’t get into University, who knows if my Mum wants to go with me to New York.

Well either way I have to start planning on ways of purging overseas and losing weight while I’m in New York. I can tell you now, it’s not going to be easy.

Well I’m out for now.

It’s exercise time!

~Ciao

Bananixox