So I haven’t been posting as much since I was quite busy. But here’s what has happened so far:
I finally graduated from high school which is kind of upsetting but hey I’m free now.
My exams began afterwards and I was quite nervous because I really didn’t think I could pass any one of them. My eating disorder has been the same. Hasn’t changed. Still purging. And no one knows. My family thinks I stopped purging and I’m only just refusing to eat. I found a new strategy though and it has been successful for a while now (I hope I don’t jinx it). Studying for exams has been hard because most of the day I spend time trying to lose weight and then I stay up late at night just to try and study but end up feeling tired and then just sleeping. Well I finished all my exams and well I don’t know how I went I just I hope I did well enough to go to University.
I have a lot of pressure right now. I heard my Dad say one day to my Mum “Don’t worry, don’t expect her to get a good ATAR (a high score to get into University)”. Do you know how upset I felt? I was angry and depressed. I wanted to cry because my own parents doubted myself. So then my eating disorder made me work and lose weight harder. I have the impression of being perfect for my parents because that’s what I feel like they want. I’m afraid. Afraid of so many things I don’t know where to begin. If I don’t get in to University, it’s okay because here in Australia we have the option of going to TAFE which is like a school, And after the years of going to TAFE is over, you get to go into University straight away. So either way I don’t mind but I’m afraid of letting down my parents. What will they say if I don’t get in? Would they think I’m stupid? Would they think I’m not good enough? Would they be embarrassed of me? Would they think I’m not smart? Would they be jealous of other people my age who got into University?
I feel like crying right now.
December the 27th is when I’ll be leaving with my Mum to New York.
Not good because I thought by then I’d be over my eating disorder. Well no.
And if I don’t get into University, who knows if my Mum wants to go with me to New York.
Well either way I have to start planning on ways of purging overseas and losing weight while I’m in New York. I can tell you now, it’s not going to be easy.
Well I’m out for now.
It’s exercise time!