This is it.

Decision has been made.

Today for dinner I tried hiding chicken down my top. My mum found out eventually. Had the worse fight.
She doesn’t care about me. Before you say ‘no she does, she’s just worried and scared about you because you’re sick’ … She told me herself.
Right now I’m in my room, on the floor, with my dog, with eyes puffed and a runny nose from crying.
My mum told me that she’s going to commit suicide. She’s serious this time. She has depression too which I got it from her, so she might do it.

I came to a final decision.

I’m just going to eat. (Crap, I’m crying again) I’m going to eat whatever my parents give me because you know why? As soon as I become the normal weight, I can then eat whatever and exercise as well. My parents said so themselves once I get out of this. I’ll go back to being underweight. But I won’t stop eating. I know what I did back then when no one knew I was anorexic was really …well quite bad. I won’t go back to being a stick to the point where all my bones will be sticking out. Just skinny/thin yet fit because I will be eating.
I don’t think I’ll talk to my parents. No. I won’t. I’ll just eat and show them how depressed I am by not talking. Yeah. I’ll do that. Well it’s not like they care for me anyways. So why talk to them.
I feel really bad for my dad, I mean of course my mum too but my dad has diabetes (wow I just realize how opposite this is. Me being anorexic and my dad being diabetic). Apparently my dad became really sick. Where he’s under the threat of losing an eye. I’m pretty sure everyone will blame me for everything. I won’t be surprised if they did.
Well yeah that’s my decision. After an year and well now nearly 2 years of being anorexic (even though I don’t look anorexic but I am underweight), I finally came to a decision to just eat because I will eventually start to eat my own food and exercise to lose the weight but normally this time. I will lose the weight. I will.
I’m freaking terrified but I’m going to do it. Just going to keep telling myself that once everything is over, I can eat whatever I want without anyone saying anything.
Okay. Well I guess that’s it. Fingers crossed for the best.
Leave comments? I wonder what you guys may think about this.
I’m going now. Not for my daily routine (purge, exercise and then sleep) But to just brush my teeth then off to bed to prepare myself for the days ahead. So technically, today at lunch where I had fish and vegetables, was my ever last purge. Because I won’t purge. No I can’t. I won’t. I will get what I want later. It will happen soon. I have to promise myself.
I hope you would wish me luck.

Okay then. That’s it.

Bye~

Bananixox … (S.DS)

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4 thoughts on “This is it.

  1. Hello,
    I am sorry you are caught in anorexia. I was anorexic when I was a teen. I was always getting the flu or some bug and missed a lot of school. I was first chair clarinetist and did not want to loose my chair. On top of always being hungry or having to lie to my mom by saying that I had eaten, I finally found something that meant more to me than being really thin. My identity was music and so…. I started eating right.

    This is a really good song by Third Day. I hope it encourages you

    I have an encouragement blog you might want to visit. You can read my personal story by going to CATEGORY and scrolling down to MY BRAIN TUMOR STORY
    http://weepingintodancing.wordpress.com/

  2. it sounds like stuff with the family is really difficult right now. I do wish you luck and courage with your new plan to just eat. exercise is healthy too. I wish you the best.

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