Today I swear was quite depressing.
I was going out for a walk with my dog in the morning and my parents and my brother were about to go out in the car. As I was getting ready to go, like putting on the chain on my dog and whatnot, I didn’t realize that my Mum was actually waiting outside in the car with the others until I leave. Because I took awhile to come out, she thought I was purging again. ARGH.
I didn’t in case you don’t know the answer.
So I came back home and I see I have a missed call from none other than my Mum. I can see she’s trying to talk to me again. Nah..i still need space from her. Frustration overload.
I didn’t know what else to do today, so as usual I went back to bed. My Dad lad left to work already by then once I woke up at 3pm from my Mum to eat lunch. After lunch my Mum went out to do some grocery shopping. So that just left my brother and I and plus my dog ^^.
No I wasn’t thinking of purging.
Remember how I went to New York? The clothes I bought there I haven’t even tried on, I just took whatever was either small or x-small. So I decided to try them on today. Other clothes were fine however 3 things I didn’t like were 2 pairs of shorts and a pair of leggings. I mean I do like them but not on me. Okay I wasn’t THAT depressed but I was quite angry. I was being optimistic of myself then. I just thought you know when my Mum decides to let me go and doesn’t mean I’ll go back to my anorexia days, I’ll work out and have a fit, toned and healthy body. That’s my goal for this year. I never liked my legs to be honest even before I had an eating disorder. I guess I had early symptoms of an eating disorder back then.
I became a bit depressed after that so I went back to sleep. I was awaken by Mum again for snack time -.- and then again for dinner time.
Dinner time I think was the most awkwardest time ever.
I was eating with my Mum in her room where the T.V was and I realize’ American Idol’ program has finally arrived to Australia. So as I watched it….the worse time I swear… This girl comes on and you know how the judges asks you what you have bee through and what not? Well this girl began by saying something like ‘it’s a battle everyday’, I’m thinking… please don’t say anorexia, please don’t- …meh… I was too late -.-. Battling with anorexia she said. FML. So awkward with my Mum sitting right next to me. But I went through it.
After dinner as I was about to go to my room, my Mum stops me and she says ‘You’re purging again aren’t you’.
it’s like she’s demanding to be that I am purging so she can start something. Like I will say ‘Yes I am purging’. What do expect me to say! See what I mean? She won’t let go and keeps putting in my head that I am sick. And it obviously frustrates me.
And so it brings me back here in my room.
I’m out for the night.