Friends.

So since I graduated from High School from last year, all of my friends had gone their separate ways in terms of where they are studying. Two of my friends are studying in the same Uni and the other two of my friends are studying in a different Uni together. Which leaves me.

I didn’t get the course I wanted to do Uni but before hand I decided to go for a different course and focus more on my health. Which was I think the best option for me. My friends supported me so it was alright.

But because of my eating disorder, I wasn’t able to focus on my studies in school. However now I’m like 90% better. I’m still working on it though. 

Though this isn’t what I mainly wanted to talk about.

It’s about one my friends. I’ll call her A for now. 

I’ll cut the story short because it’s quite long.

Apparently last year A was also not eating properly. I knew she lost weight but I didn’t think much of it because she didn’t look that thin as I was. But after she told me she has been losing weight and that she needed to change her whole wardrobe, I became paranoid. I don’t know how to explain it. Like I don’t want anyone copying me. I’m who is suppose to be losing weight, not you. Does that make sense? I think it’s jealousy? Yeah. Weird huh? 

This year A has been trying to eat hard and a lot but I have realized that she may be suffering from an eating disorder. I was angry. Again jealousy. I’m the only one who should be suffering from it.

I told myself though that it’s only because she went through a lot as well as I did and she’s not really anorexic as I was. I know sounds selfish? Maybe someone reading this who is suffering from an eating disorder might understand me?

Anyways, I do feel though as if it’s my fault though. I don’t know. Did I motivate her?   

But I never said anything to her about losing weight. Maybe because of my appearance? I was 38 kilos :S. 

She said she has been eating so much now and forcing her self to eat without thinking that she’ll become fat. I just hope she isn’t lying,

I mean how weird is it to have a friend of yours all of sudden suffering from the same thing as you? 

I can’t let her go through I went through. 

I just can’t. 

She has been my best friend since Year 7, and always have been beside me with the troubles I went though with my eating disorder. So I’m going to help her out. She said she is seeing a psychologist, but I don’t know if that’s helping her at all. I’m thinking of telling her Dad because it seem’s like her parents have no clue about an eating disorder. 

Or I might tell her Boyfriend.

Anyways I’m out for the night.

Ciao~

Bananixox 

Antidepressants are annoying.

Ever since I developed an eating disorder (anorexia), I was pretty much suffering from depression. It’s in the genes anyways from my Mum’s side. I remember the doctor telling my parents to not give me any antidepressants as yet. He is the doctor, but my Mum couldn’t wait any longer and took me to a different doctor which is our local doc to prescribe me antidepressant tablets.

I wasn’t sure about it at first because the other doctor told me not to take them, but my Mum thought it would probably help in recovering fast from my disorder. Pshh…Didn’t do anything.

Anyways, every since that day I took them, I now practically have to live on these stupid tablets. Whenever I run out of the tablets, all hell goes lose.

Withdrawal syndrome, that’s what I get when I skip a day of not taking the damn tablet.

It happened this week. I ran out and before that even happened I got into an argument with my Mum. I wasn’t talking to her after that and neither was she. Since I wasn’t talking to her, I couldn’t tell her that I needed to buy more tablets. Now before you think “oh she sounds like she’s addicted to these tablets” I’m not and also you can’t get addicted on them.

I think it was 4 days I went off without the tablet. Worse thing ever…

My Mum knew I ran out but she keeps forgetting to buy them, so I always wake up in the morning hoping to see them in the cabinet. Like I said I was still angry at her, however it clicked to me that I was extremely angry than I was before during our argument. Why was that? Because I wasn’t on my medication. I began having withdrawal syndrome after a day of skipping a tablet and then the following days it became worse. I was extremely depressed, I felt sick, felt like I wanted to vomit, no appetite, stomach upset, mood swings, weak, drowsy, loss of energy, brain shivers(most annoying thing!) and all I did was sleep throughout each day hoping it’ll go away but I was also suffering from insomnia.

Then the worse of the worse happened, the anorexia voices came back to me. I tried staying calm by just sleeping it off but that did not work at all. I didn’t like my legs, I felt like I gain weight, I felt .. fat. That was a bad sign for me I knew then and there that I really needed my antidepressants before it goes too far, before I go back to the dark days.

The next day after that, my Mum found me in bed during the day and we were still not talking to each other. She asked in an angry tone why I was still in bed. I didn’t want to tell her because I feel sick without my antidepressants otherwise she’ll give me the whole “stop relying on them” bullcrap. I’m not relying on them at all, I just wanted the withdrawal syndrome to stop because one it’s extremely annoying, two I’m afraid that anorexia may take over me again and three it can lead to suicide. So I just said I didn’t know what was wrong but I didn’t feel well. She kept bugging with the ‘why’s’ and ‘how come’ questions. Until it clicked in her head.

As she left my room I could finally go back to sleep but then again she entered and I thought she was going to shout at me or something but..no she came with my antidepressant and a drink to have it with. I couldn’t have been any happier to see them lol. I took the tablet and fell back to have a rest so that my body can take in the tablet and so that the chemical imbalance in my brain can be balanced again lol.

I woke up after a while and effs that’s when I told myself I need to get out of these tablets. Yes I did feel much better after but I really need to put a stop to these tablets. Farout.

I don’t want to be living on them for the rest of my life. So I decided to go and see a doctor next week to put an end to them :). Woo!

And yeah my Mum and I are talking again. So yeah I guess it was the medication that made me stay angry for awhile with my Mum.

So anyone thinking of taking antidepressants.

DON’T TAKE THEM.

There are other ways to relax your mind 🙂 ❤.

3:28am right now, I should be off to sleep.

Ciao~

Bananixox

Hey, remember me?

So uh…

Okay wait. Re-do

Hi.

Don’t know if anyone can remember me but I was that girl that suffered from anorexia for 2 and half years now. Been through hell and had a bumpy road along the way of recovery.

So my psychologist who was expecting her first baby had taken a maternity leave last year and said she’ll be back this year in March. Well…yeah, never went back to her.

But I don’t think I need to see her anymore. Yeah. Why?

I think I finally made it through.

Okay yes I have little things that I’m not so okay about like my weight. But it’s not that kind of feeling I used to get when the voices I hear in my head screams at me “YOU NEED TO LOSE THE FAT!”.   I don’t hear them anymore. It’s more of like whenever I see myself in the mirror I’d be like “Oh, I gained a bit of weight. I should exercise”, but I end up not exercising lol. But I don’t get overly depressed about it as I used to :). I just carry on with my day.

I do though want to start going to the gym to be more active and fit and of course healthy. However, I’m scared to ask my parents if I can go. “Oh it’s an anorexia thought.” That’s what they’ll say, well my Mum would say. See the thing is, my parents are afraid that I may relapse. So that’s why my Mum is still doing THE DAMN EFFIN ROUTINE EVERY GOD DAMN DAY. I’m not even kidding. The whole MUST have breakfast in the morning WITH a glass of orange juice and having a snack in between meals. What if I don’t want to have a snack? I may not be hungry. Can’t I take a snack when I am hungry? I can’t even choose a snack to eat. Other wise my Mum would be like “Oh how come you didn’t choose that other snack instead? Is it because it has more calories?”. It really frustrates me. I can’t even serve myself when it’s breakfast, lunch or dinner. I’m not even allowed to say I’m full (crap I’m going to cry. This is how much it makes me angry and frustrated.). I don’t understand! It’s been 2 and half years now!! Come on!! Why can’t eat what I like to eat!? So what if I like to eat fresh and healthy!? I’m still eating aren’t I?

You know whenever I go out with my friends to eat, it’s the only way to choose whatever I want to eat for lunch or whatever. Usually I go out to have lunch with friends and I’ll always choose something fresh and healthy because my Mum wouldn’t make much fresh food. It’s always rice, rice, rice, rice, deep fried chips and chicken etc.. I’m defiantly not saying none of that is bad for you because it’s alright to have those kinds of food 🙂  but I’m not sure if it’s alright to have everyday?

I mean like my Dad has diabetes :S. I think he knows it’s bad for him to eat those kinds of things but he is a big eater, but he’s also active and he exercise.

UGH.

 

I appreciate the food my Mum makes me everyday. BUT. The routine has GOT TO STOP. OMG.

If this continues for God knows how long, I’m considering to go to a family counsel or something. I’m not joking.

Is it wrong for me to go to the gym when I’m still eating whatever my Mum makes me? I’m in the normal weight range too. I just want to gain a toned body and be fit :P.

I’m freaking 18! And yet my Mum treats me like a freaking baby.

My course doesn’t start until like next month or so and I here I am loafing around doing nothing but eating. I need to be fit but I’m actually really am terrified. No matter how I picture it and plan it in my head asking my parents. What do I do ಥ_ಥ.

You know what I don’t understand about my Mum? My brother is under weight for sure. But he eats. When it’s meal time, sometimes my Mum gives him a small amount. And he can say he’s full or that he’s not hungry.

At the moment my plan is to say to my parents that my bro and I wants to hit the gym. So I can help my brother gain some abs lol. Well he does need it :L . He’s literally a stick.

Wow how long have not posted anything on here lol? I’ll try to keep up as much as I can from now on. 

Well… yeah that’s it for now :).

Adios~

Bananixox