Annoying

When someone is seriously ill, you wouldn’t leave them alone would you? 

Sometimes we get ahead of ourselves thinking we’re alright and don’t need anyone’s help. We push the people who tries to help us away. Next thing you know, you’re suffering and seriously need help. Though how can you go ask those who you already pushed away? It’ll be embarrassing right? We get annoyed when people think you can’t do it so they ask if you need a hand, and then your self esteem goes low. It’s actually not the case. Like I said, we sometimes get ahead of our self. It’s not that they think you can’t do it, it’s because they only care. If you think about it, shouldn’t it make sense? Either you need help on homework or fixing up a car or something, we should at least be thankful for those who tries to help. 

In my case, my Mum is the one who is annoying. 

Though in a parents perspective, I understand it can be frightening to have your child relapse again. After all the troubles and hardships, I know my Mum and Dad wouldn’t want to go through that again. 

My Mum constantly runs behind my back asking me to eat this, eat that and it’s quite annoying actually. Very annoying. In my heart and brain lol, I know I’m fine. I mean I don’t want to put my body in that horrible state. I’d be abusing my body. I don’t want that again. 

I’m not saying I want her to just leave me alone. I just think it’s time my Mum understands that she needs to at least let me try to walk freely and forget about the dark past. It’s causing me stress nowadays but I can’t let that get to me. It may take sometime for my Mum to realize that I’m free from the abuse I had been putting myself through. I’ve been over my eating disorder since the start of last year. I guess I just have to wait a little bit longer until my Mum and Dad opens their eyes and see I’m fine :). I’ll wait. 

Ciao for now~

~Bananixox

Advertisements

I’m back and stronger.

Wow, been awhile?

So, I don’t where to begin, Honestly I don’t. Though I can start by saying that I’m finally free.

Or am I?

I had been living with anorexia for around 3 years now and I can finally say that I think I’m free now. Free from the everyday living hell of terror. Yes I am still iffy on food but I still eat no matter what.

What’s new?

Well I actually been having a problem with my stomach and so I went for a colonoscopy at a hospital and oh my goodness, the anesthesia killed me. Worse pain ever D:! But other than that the doctor said there was nothing nasty in me so I was all good. Then what’s wrong with my stomach? Aha I don’t know, but it’s okay I’ll find out soon with my local gp.

Other than that, my liver is all good too :). So I’m happy that I’m able to be all healthy again however there’s just one thing.

My Mum.

You think she would leave me alone and let me eat whatever I want right?

Wrong.

The most frustrating thing.

She is constantly behind me telling me to eat this eat that. I’m perfectly fine but she doesn’t believe me and it hurts that she thinks that way. I don’t want to be reminded about my dark past but she keeps on reminding me by always coming behind me and calling me at a particular time to eat. Like farout.

I’m over my dark days. You think I want to destroy my body by going through anorexia again?

I’m not even allowed to exercise normally to be fit (not to lose weight!). Even my cousin, my grandma and my friends all think she’s gone crazy. She’s gone overboard. I could mention a lot of stories with my Mum and how she acts, but I’ll leave that for another time.

For now, ciao xx

Bananixoxo ~

Friends.

So since I graduated from High School from last year, all of my friends had gone their separate ways in terms of where they are studying. Two of my friends are studying in the same Uni and the other two of my friends are studying in a different Uni together. Which leaves me.

I didn’t get the course I wanted to do Uni but before hand I decided to go for a different course and focus more on my health. Which was I think the best option for me. My friends supported me so it was alright.

But because of my eating disorder, I wasn’t able to focus on my studies in school. However now I’m like 90% better. I’m still working on it though. 

Though this isn’t what I mainly wanted to talk about.

It’s about one my friends. I’ll call her A for now. 

I’ll cut the story short because it’s quite long.

Apparently last year A was also not eating properly. I knew she lost weight but I didn’t think much of it because she didn’t look that thin as I was. But after she told me she has been losing weight and that she needed to change her whole wardrobe, I became paranoid. I don’t know how to explain it. Like I don’t want anyone copying me. I’m who is suppose to be losing weight, not you. Does that make sense? I think it’s jealousy? Yeah. Weird huh? 

This year A has been trying to eat hard and a lot but I have realized that she may be suffering from an eating disorder. I was angry. Again jealousy. I’m the only one who should be suffering from it.

I told myself though that it’s only because she went through a lot as well as I did and she’s not really anorexic as I was. I know sounds selfish? Maybe someone reading this who is suffering from an eating disorder might understand me?

Anyways, I do feel though as if it’s my fault though. I don’t know. Did I motivate her?   

But I never said anything to her about losing weight. Maybe because of my appearance? I was 38 kilos :S. 

She said she has been eating so much now and forcing her self to eat without thinking that she’ll become fat. I just hope she isn’t lying,

I mean how weird is it to have a friend of yours all of sudden suffering from the same thing as you? 

I can’t let her go through I went through. 

I just can’t. 

She has been my best friend since Year 7, and always have been beside me with the troubles I went though with my eating disorder. So I’m going to help her out. She said she is seeing a psychologist, but I don’t know if that’s helping her at all. I’m thinking of telling her Dad because it seem’s like her parents have no clue about an eating disorder. 

Or I might tell her Boyfriend.

Anyways I’m out for the night.

Ciao~

Bananixox 

Antidepressants are annoying.

Ever since I developed an eating disorder (anorexia), I was pretty much suffering from depression. It’s in the genes anyways from my Mum’s side. I remember the doctor telling my parents to not give me any antidepressants as yet. He is the doctor, but my Mum couldn’t wait any longer and took me to a different doctor which is our local doc to prescribe me antidepressant tablets.

I wasn’t sure about it at first because the other doctor told me not to take them, but my Mum thought it would probably help in recovering fast from my disorder. Pshh…Didn’t do anything.

Anyways, every since that day I took them, I now practically have to live on these stupid tablets. Whenever I run out of the tablets, all hell goes lose.

Withdrawal syndrome, that’s what I get when I skip a day of not taking the damn tablet.

It happened this week. I ran out and before that even happened I got into an argument with my Mum. I wasn’t talking to her after that and neither was she. Since I wasn’t talking to her, I couldn’t tell her that I needed to buy more tablets. Now before you think “oh she sounds like she’s addicted to these tablets” I’m not and also you can’t get addicted on them.

I think it was 4 days I went off without the tablet. Worse thing ever…

My Mum knew I ran out but she keeps forgetting to buy them, so I always wake up in the morning hoping to see them in the cabinet. Like I said I was still angry at her, however it clicked to me that I was extremely angry than I was before during our argument. Why was that? Because I wasn’t on my medication. I began having withdrawal syndrome after a day of skipping a tablet and then the following days it became worse. I was extremely depressed, I felt sick, felt like I wanted to vomit, no appetite, stomach upset, mood swings, weak, drowsy, loss of energy, brain shivers(most annoying thing!) and all I did was sleep throughout each day hoping it’ll go away but I was also suffering from insomnia.

Then the worse of the worse happened, the anorexia voices came back to me. I tried staying calm by just sleeping it off but that did not work at all. I didn’t like my legs, I felt like I gain weight, I felt .. fat. That was a bad sign for me I knew then and there that I really needed my antidepressants before it goes too far, before I go back to the dark days.

The next day after that, my Mum found me in bed during the day and we were still not talking to each other. She asked in an angry tone why I was still in bed. I didn’t want to tell her because I feel sick without my antidepressants otherwise she’ll give me the whole “stop relying on them” bullcrap. I’m not relying on them at all, I just wanted the withdrawal syndrome to stop because one it’s extremely annoying, two I’m afraid that anorexia may take over me again and three it can lead to suicide. So I just said I didn’t know what was wrong but I didn’t feel well. She kept bugging with the ‘why’s’ and ‘how come’ questions. Until it clicked in her head.

As she left my room I could finally go back to sleep but then again she entered and I thought she was going to shout at me or something but..no she came with my antidepressant and a drink to have it with. I couldn’t have been any happier to see them lol. I took the tablet and fell back to have a rest so that my body can take in the tablet and so that the chemical imbalance in my brain can be balanced again lol.

I woke up after a while and effs that’s when I told myself I need to get out of these tablets. Yes I did feel much better after but I really need to put a stop to these tablets. Farout.

I don’t want to be living on them for the rest of my life. So I decided to go and see a doctor next week to put an end to them :). Woo!

And yeah my Mum and I are talking again. So yeah I guess it was the medication that made me stay angry for awhile with my Mum.

So anyone thinking of taking antidepressants.

DON’T TAKE THEM.

There are other ways to relax your mind 🙂 ❤.

3:28am right now, I should be off to sleep.

Ciao~

Bananixox

Hey, remember me?

So uh…

Okay wait. Re-do

Hi.

Don’t know if anyone can remember me but I was that girl that suffered from anorexia for 2 and half years now. Been through hell and had a bumpy road along the way of recovery.

So my psychologist who was expecting her first baby had taken a maternity leave last year and said she’ll be back this year in March. Well…yeah, never went back to her.

But I don’t think I need to see her anymore. Yeah. Why?

I think I finally made it through.

Okay yes I have little things that I’m not so okay about like my weight. But it’s not that kind of feeling I used to get when the voices I hear in my head screams at me “YOU NEED TO LOSE THE FAT!”.   I don’t hear them anymore. It’s more of like whenever I see myself in the mirror I’d be like “Oh, I gained a bit of weight. I should exercise”, but I end up not exercising lol. But I don’t get overly depressed about it as I used to :). I just carry on with my day.

I do though want to start going to the gym to be more active and fit and of course healthy. However, I’m scared to ask my parents if I can go. “Oh it’s an anorexia thought.” That’s what they’ll say, well my Mum would say. See the thing is, my parents are afraid that I may relapse. So that’s why my Mum is still doing THE DAMN EFFIN ROUTINE EVERY GOD DAMN DAY. I’m not even kidding. The whole MUST have breakfast in the morning WITH a glass of orange juice and having a snack in between meals. What if I don’t want to have a snack? I may not be hungry. Can’t I take a snack when I am hungry? I can’t even choose a snack to eat. Other wise my Mum would be like “Oh how come you didn’t choose that other snack instead? Is it because it has more calories?”. It really frustrates me. I can’t even serve myself when it’s breakfast, lunch or dinner. I’m not even allowed to say I’m full (crap I’m going to cry. This is how much it makes me angry and frustrated.). I don’t understand! It’s been 2 and half years now!! Come on!! Why can’t eat what I like to eat!? So what if I like to eat fresh and healthy!? I’m still eating aren’t I?

You know whenever I go out with my friends to eat, it’s the only way to choose whatever I want to eat for lunch or whatever. Usually I go out to have lunch with friends and I’ll always choose something fresh and healthy because my Mum wouldn’t make much fresh food. It’s always rice, rice, rice, rice, deep fried chips and chicken etc.. I’m defiantly not saying none of that is bad for you because it’s alright to have those kinds of food 🙂  but I’m not sure if it’s alright to have everyday?

I mean like my Dad has diabetes :S. I think he knows it’s bad for him to eat those kinds of things but he is a big eater, but he’s also active and he exercise.

UGH.

 

I appreciate the food my Mum makes me everyday. BUT. The routine has GOT TO STOP. OMG.

If this continues for God knows how long, I’m considering to go to a family counsel or something. I’m not joking.

Is it wrong for me to go to the gym when I’m still eating whatever my Mum makes me? I’m in the normal weight range too. I just want to gain a toned body and be fit :P.

I’m freaking 18! And yet my Mum treats me like a freaking baby.

My course doesn’t start until like next month or so and I here I am loafing around doing nothing but eating. I need to be fit but I’m actually really am terrified. No matter how I picture it and plan it in my head asking my parents. What do I do ಥ_ಥ.

You know what I don’t understand about my Mum? My brother is under weight for sure. But he eats. When it’s meal time, sometimes my Mum gives him a small amount. And he can say he’s full or that he’s not hungry.

At the moment my plan is to say to my parents that my bro and I wants to hit the gym. So I can help my brother gain some abs lol. Well he does need it :L . He’s literally a stick.

Wow how long have not posted anything on here lol? I’ll try to keep up as much as I can from now on. 

Well… yeah that’s it for now :).

Adios~

Bananixox

 

Hitting me back.

Today I swear was quite depressing. 

I was going out for a walk with my dog in the morning and my parents and my brother were about to go out in the car. As I was getting ready to go, like putting on the chain on my dog and whatnot, I didn’t realize that my Mum was actually waiting outside in the car with the others until I leave. Because I took awhile to come out, she thought I was purging again. ARGH. 

I didn’t in case you don’t know the answer. 

So I came back home and I see I have a missed call from none other than my Mum. I can see she’s trying to talk to me again. Nah..i still need space from her. Frustration overload. 

I didn’t know what else to do today, so as usual I went back to bed. My Dad lad left to work already by then once I woke up at 3pm from my Mum to eat lunch. After lunch my Mum went out to do some grocery shopping. So that just left my brother and I and plus my dog ^^. 

No I wasn’t thinking of purging. 

Remember how I went to New York? The clothes I bought there I haven’t even tried on, I just took whatever was either small or x-small. So I decided to try them on today. Other clothes were fine however 3 things I didn’t like were 2 pairs of shorts and a pair of leggings. I mean I do like them but not on me. Okay I wasn’t THAT depressed but I was quite angry. I was being optimistic of myself then. I just thought you know when my Mum decides to let me go and doesn’t mean I’ll go back to my anorexia days, I’ll work out and have a fit, toned and healthy body. That’s my goal for this year. I never liked my legs to be honest even before I had an eating disorder. I guess I had early symptoms of an eating disorder back then. 

I became a bit depressed after that so I went back to sleep. I was awaken by Mum again for snack time -.- and then again for dinner time. 

Dinner time I think was the most awkwardest time ever. 

I was eating with my Mum in her room where the T.V was and I realize’ American Idol’ program has finally arrived to Australia. So as I watched it….the worse time I swear… This girl comes on and you know how the judges asks you what you have bee through and what not? Well this girl began by saying something like ‘it’s a battle everyday’, I’m thinking… please don’t say anorexia, please don’t- …meh… I was too late -.-. Battling with anorexia she said. FML. So awkward with my Mum sitting right next to me. But I went through it. 

After dinner as I was about to go to my room, my Mum stops me and she says ‘You’re purging again aren’t you’.

LIKE WTF. 

it’s like she’s demanding to be that I am purging so she can start something. Like I will say ‘Yes I am purging’. What do expect me to say! See what I mean? She won’t let go and keeps putting in my head that I am sick. And it obviously frustrates me. 

And so it brings me back here in my room. 

I’m out for the night.

Ciao~

Bananixox

 

A new change.

So it’s 2013 and a lot has happened already!

Last year in December, I took off to New York with my Mum on the 27th and I have to say for myself, it was freaking amazing! It was so much fun and especially the shopping!! The people there are so freaking nice too. At first I thought people there were only being nice just to either get in my pants or to take my money or something but it wasn’t anything like that. I’m seriously contemplating whether to migrate there in New York lol. Anyways, I’m getting off topic. 

The food…. the food I was worried about to eat in New York when I arrived there, but again I was wrong. I actually ate the food without a fuss. Pizza, ice cream, donuts.. I ACTUALLY ATE THAT CRAP! I couldn’t believe it! I don’t know what happened to me, I mean of course I didn’t eat just that, I also ate fruits and other non junk foods. The food there was actually….. nice? 

Yeah.. wow. 

I was terrified at first but once I took a bite, I was okay with it. I guess being in New York was a lot over whelming for me that I just forgot about having to care about what I was eating. 

So when I came back home to Australia, I thought my Mum would let me start eating on my own like taking food that I like to eat this time. Also I wanted to start fresh, having a fit toned body :). Of course I’ll have to eat food to get that toned body, but again my Mum and I had a fight T.T. She doesn’t want me to do that as yet as she says “You’re still sick!!” she yells. 

You know I was really sure that I was out of this eating disorder or well about to get out of this disorder… but NO. My Mum and my Dad both keeps telling me ‘you’re sick, you’re sick, you’re sick!’. 

They keep telling me that I am sick, and so the more they say that I’m sick then I’m going to be thinking I’m still sick and not recovering. Does that make sense? 

I just wanted to start fresh you know? I just wanted to forget about the bad memories about my anorexia days. But I’ll never will if I’m stuck in this routine that my parents make do where they sit next to me and watch me eat and give me snacks after every meal.

I guess my New Year resolution didn’t happen at all. 

Well at least I have completely stopped purging. Now that I think about it, it was quite scary purging all the food that was in my stomach and how I did it. 

What do I do? I’m going to be stuck like this for a long time, I can see it. You know the sad thing is? I’ll be turning into an adult this year and still my parents aren’t letting me try on my own. They need to learn to let me go!!!!!

GAHHH SO FRUSTRATED O.O!!!!

Oh and I didn’t get the course I wanted to do in Uni which is okay because I’m doing a TAFE course so I can get into Uni later on and also to ‘get out’ of this mess I’m in with my disorder which I do think I’m almost out of. 

I’m out for the day….

Ciao~

Bananixox

I’m on my way…

So my last post I talked about how I was just going to eat whatever and get it over and done with so everyone can get off my back. Then later when I’m fully recovered, I can go back to eating whatever I want and not going back to the ‘stick skinny me’. 

How has it gone so far?

Good ^^.

Yeah I said it. It’s actually going okay. I’m eating without a fuss even though inside my head I’m screaming but I’m just eating and drinking and getting it over and done with. Even though I may still have those thoughts about my hate for food and my body, but I’m fighting it. My ED (I named it Steve) is completely angry with me. I can feel it. Of course I’m scared, what if he makes me do something even more horrible than purging?

Oh which reminds me……………………………… I haven’t purged at all after my last post ^.^.

I was so scared. So terribly scared because I wasn’t purging and I usually purge after every meal EVERYDAY. Having food inside me made me feel sick. However gradually as the day goes by, I realize I pretty much my waste whole day on just purging. Now that I have stopped, I feel… I don’t know still confused but I do know I’m more free. However Steve hates what I’m doing. Whenever I hear him shouting at me and making me feel depressed, I go to the one thing that can make me feel better. My bed. Sleeping helps me to block out myself out from reality. 

So yeah, even though I’m still terrified of Steve, I’ve become much stronger than I was before. I am a fighter. And so are everyone who suffers from other disorders. It just takes time to realize you are one ❤. 

Anyways…. MY ATAR SCORE (exam results in Australia, Victoria)  IS COMING OUT TOMORROW MORNING … WELL TECHNICALLY TODAY SINCE IT’S PAST MIDNIGHT AND I’M FREAKING THE FREAK OUT. Well actually not that much. An ATAR score is just a number and I shouldn’t be scared. I mean I’ve been through a lot and well yeah still am so whatever my ATAR score is …I’m blaming it on Steve. My parents though said they don’t care to me about my ATAR score. All they care is me, me being happy and my health. Yeah that really hit me hard. But I want to make them proud of me either way. So I’m hoping to get into the course that I have chosen in University. Though if I don’t get it; here in Australia we are lucky because we have this thing called TAFE which is just like Uni but further studies. So if I go into TAFE, after I finish my TAFE course I can go straight into Uni. So yeah I’m not completely scared about this (ehehehe O.O but really…). But I guess you could say I’m lucky to have parents who mostly cares about me instead of some ATAR score. 

Well fingers crossed everyone ❤.  Wish me good luck ><!

Ciao~

Bananixox

I DID IT

I did it. I actually did it.

I didn’t purge at all today.

I think I’m finally coming out of it. I think I can do this. I just got to keep on trying, right? 

I actually went through the day without purging. I still can’t believe it. 

Though, don’t think I didn’t have the urge to purge (kekekeke that rhymed ^^). I so badly wanted to purge, you had no idea. The feeling of having food in my stomach for a long time, I felt like screaming my bloody lungs out. I really wanted to purge. I could hear my ED (eating disorder) scolding me for not listening. He’s still angry at me. 

I kept repeating to myself though, ‘Just eat. Just eat. Just eat. Then when all this is done, you can do whatever you want.’ . It actually worked. I can’t believe it still. 

I can’t believe I actually got through the day without purging. I didn’t even hide any food given to me, I just ate it. Then I just distracted myself. 

I told my friends about how I may gain heaps of weight because my Mum is doubling my food, but they don’t care. They don’t care about my size. They only care about me. Not my appearance, but just me

I started crying when they told me this. I’m glad I have friends like them who supports me. I really am. 

Well this is one day gone through. I gotta keep going.

Oh, though I did throw a tantrum for dessert. I usually have an ‘Up&Go’ which is this milk which is really good I have to admit. I usually drink the vanilla flavor but now my Mum changed that to a milkshake! So everyday now I’m having 2 milkshake and it really pisses me off because I’m actually freaking sick of that shit. So I told my Mum about how I’m sick of it and I won’t drink it. So she brings me ice cream instead however once I tasted it I knew she put powder in it which I presumably think is suppose to make me gain weight . And the funny part was she was completely denying it. Does she really think I’m stupid. Fuck sake. I’m going to find that powder and throw it away. At that point I really was going to purge but then my Mum made me stay with her for 2 freaking whole hours. Still pissed off but I gotta keep on going. 

Anyways, I’m out for the night ^^ 

Ciao~

Bananixox

Help me

I’m scared. No, worse. I’m more than scared but don’t know what word to use. 

Yesterday and today was just horrible. So the day before yesterday was my graduation dinner with my year 12’s with all our parents. I ate dinner which my parents forced me to. Then yesterday in the morning my mum gave me my usual cereal and orange juice then after 2 hours later I had to have my milkshake. I needed to purge, but I was so tired to walk up to the bathroom so I purged inside my room but then my mum decided to come in my room at that time to get something. So yeah I got caught. Had a big fight and what not. However, yes I know what I did was wrong BUT she was blaming my friends? I kept telling her that they don’t have an eating disorder so it’s okay for them to go on a diet or what not but none of them are on a diet they eat heaps! But no my mum doesn’t believe neither does my dad and it makes me furious. So I kept refusing to do what they wanted me to do because they kept blaming my friends. My mum called them ugly bitches.  Was that right? Would you stand there and listen to someone talking about you’re friends who have been supporting you? So of course I wouldn’t stand there, I had to shout back. 

However today was the worse. My mum wouldn’t let me go anywhere!! When I went to the bathroom just to brush my teeth she opened the door unexpectedly saying I’m throwing up. What the hell and I just got in there. So after that the day went on and then came evening. I ate rice and then had to have a stupid mlkshake again (I’m sick of having it everyday). After my dinner I went into my room and yes I had to purge. I was caught and kept refusing I was purging but then again my mum blamed my friends for everything. I was so furious at this point that she hit me and then slapped me. I grabbed my shoes and tried to run out because I don’t want to live here anymore if I’m going to be called a bitch and being punched at by my own parents. 

Parents grabbed me and pushed me away from running out. Then my mum repeatedly was hitting me. I now have finger nail marks on both my arms, my finger is bleeding my leg hurts from being hit. it’s not that disciplined hitting thing, she went crazy like she was going to murder me.I wanted to cry so badly but I don’t like showing my weak side. I hate HATE crying in front of people for that exact reason, showing my weak side. Is anyone else like that? 

I’m scared for the morning. I really don’t know what to do. I just want to eat a healthier option and exercise normally. But I can’t do that because my parents are just going to feed me until I’m … well fat. 

Crap… I feel like crying again. 

You know if there were a rest button, I would defiantly press that. 

Well I’m out for now. Going to exercise out of frustration and from being hurt. Then I’ll go watch… I don’t know some random videos on the net. Oh Glee ^^ and Skins U.K version :P.

Adios~

Bananixox 

P.S: What do I do? Help me.