This is it.

Decision has been made.

Today for dinner I tried hiding chicken down my top. My mum found out eventually. Had the worse fight.
She doesn’t care about me. Before you say ‘no she does, she’s just worried and scared about you because you’re sick’ … She told me herself.
Right now I’m in my room, on the floor, with my dog, with eyes puffed and a runny nose from crying.
My mum told me that she’s going to commit suicide. She’s serious this time. She has depression too which I got it from her, so she might do it.

I came to a final decision.

I’m just going to eat. (Crap, I’m crying again) I’m going to eat whatever my parents give me because you know why? As soon as I become the normal weight, I can then eat whatever and exercise as well. My parents said so themselves once I get out of this. I’ll go back to being underweight. But I won’t stop eating. I know what I did back then when no one knew I was anorexic was really …well quite bad. I won’t go back to being a stick to the point where all my bones will be sticking out. Just skinny/thin yet fit because I will be eating.
I don’t think I’ll talk to my parents. No. I won’t. I’ll just eat and show them how depressed I am by not talking. Yeah. I’ll do that. Well it’s not like they care for me anyways. So why talk to them.
I feel really bad for my dad, I mean of course my mum too but my dad has diabetes (wow I just realize how opposite this is. Me being anorexic and my dad being diabetic). Apparently my dad became really sick. Where he’s under the threat of losing an eye. I’m pretty sure everyone will blame me for everything. I won’t be surprised if they did.
Well yeah that’s my decision. After an year and well now nearly 2 years of being anorexic (even though I don’t look anorexic but I am underweight), I finally came to a decision to just eat because I will eventually start to eat my own food and exercise to lose the weight but normally this time. I will lose the weight. I will.
I’m freaking terrified but I’m going to do it. Just going to keep telling myself that once everything is over, I can eat whatever I want without anyone saying anything.
Okay. Well I guess that’s it. Fingers crossed for the best.
Leave comments? I wonder what you guys may think about this.
I’m going now. Not for my daily routine (purge, exercise and then sleep) But to just brush my teeth then off to bed to prepare myself for the days ahead. So technically, today at lunch where I had fish and vegetables, was my ever last purge. Because I won’t purge. No I can’t. I won’t. I will get what I want later. It will happen soon. I have to promise myself.
I hope you would wish me luck.

Okay then. That’s it.

Bye~

Bananixox … (S.DS)

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Help me

I’m scared. No, worse. I’m more than scared but don’t know what word to use. 

Yesterday and today was just horrible. So the day before yesterday was my graduation dinner with my year 12’s with all our parents. I ate dinner which my parents forced me to. Then yesterday in the morning my mum gave me my usual cereal and orange juice then after 2 hours later I had to have my milkshake. I needed to purge, but I was so tired to walk up to the bathroom so I purged inside my room but then my mum decided to come in my room at that time to get something. So yeah I got caught. Had a big fight and what not. However, yes I know what I did was wrong BUT she was blaming my friends? I kept telling her that they don’t have an eating disorder so it’s okay for them to go on a diet or what not but none of them are on a diet they eat heaps! But no my mum doesn’t believe neither does my dad and it makes me furious. So I kept refusing to do what they wanted me to do because they kept blaming my friends. My mum called them ugly bitches.  Was that right? Would you stand there and listen to someone talking about you’re friends who have been supporting you? So of course I wouldn’t stand there, I had to shout back. 

However today was the worse. My mum wouldn’t let me go anywhere!! When I went to the bathroom just to brush my teeth she opened the door unexpectedly saying I’m throwing up. What the hell and I just got in there. So after that the day went on and then came evening. I ate rice and then had to have a stupid mlkshake again (I’m sick of having it everyday). After my dinner I went into my room and yes I had to purge. I was caught and kept refusing I was purging but then again my mum blamed my friends for everything. I was so furious at this point that she hit me and then slapped me. I grabbed my shoes and tried to run out because I don’t want to live here anymore if I’m going to be called a bitch and being punched at by my own parents. 

Parents grabbed me and pushed me away from running out. Then my mum repeatedly was hitting me. I now have finger nail marks on both my arms, my finger is bleeding my leg hurts from being hit. it’s not that disciplined hitting thing, she went crazy like she was going to murder me.I wanted to cry so badly but I don’t like showing my weak side. I hate HATE crying in front of people for that exact reason, showing my weak side. Is anyone else like that? 

I’m scared for the morning. I really don’t know what to do. I just want to eat a healthier option and exercise normally. But I can’t do that because my parents are just going to feed me until I’m … well fat. 

Crap… I feel like crying again. 

You know if there were a rest button, I would defiantly press that. 

Well I’m out for now. Going to exercise out of frustration and from being hurt. Then I’ll go watch… I don’t know some random videos on the net. Oh Glee ^^ and Skins U.K version :P.

Adios~

Bananixox 

P.S: What do I do? Help me. 

Back ~

So I haven’t been posting as much since I was quite busy. But here’s what has happened so far:

I finally graduated from high school which is kind of upsetting but hey I’m free now.

My exams began afterwards and I was quite nervous because I really didn’t think I could pass any one of them. My eating disorder has been the same. Hasn’t changed. Still purging. And no one knows. My family thinks I stopped purging and I’m only just refusing to eat. I found a new strategy though and it has been successful for a while now (I hope I don’t jinx it). Studying for exams has been hard because most of the day I spend time trying to lose weight and then I stay up late at night just to try and study but end up feeling tired and then just sleeping. Well I finished all my exams and well I don’t know how I went I just I hope I did well enough to go to University.

I have a lot of pressure right now. I heard my Dad say one day to my Mum “Don’t worry, don’t expect her to get a good ATAR (a high score to get into University)”. Do you know how upset I felt? I was angry and depressed. I wanted to cry because my own parents doubted myself. So then my eating disorder made me work and lose weight harder. I have the impression of being perfect for my parents because that’s what I feel like they want. I’m afraid. Afraid of so many things I don’t know where to begin. If I don’t get in to University, it’s okay because here in Australia we have the option of going to TAFE which is like a school, And after the years of going to TAFE is over, you get to go into University straight away. So either way I don’t mind but I’m afraid of letting down my parents. What will they say if I don’t get in? Would they think I’m stupid? Would they think I’m not good enough? Would they be embarrassed of me? Would they think I’m not smart? Would they be jealous of other people my age who got into University?

I feel like crying right now.

December the 27th is when I’ll be leaving with my Mum to New York.

Not good because I thought by then I’d be over my eating disorder. Well no.

And if I don’t get into University, who knows if my Mum wants to go with me to New York.

Well either way I have to start planning on ways of purging overseas and losing weight while I’m in New York. I can tell you now, it’s not going to be easy.

Well I’m out for now.

It’s exercise time!

~Ciao

Bananixox

It’s not fair

So I haven’t stopped purging. In fact I think things have gone worse.
I think I’m putting on weight but then I lose it. My weight goes up and down. I’ve been literally been hating myself everyday. My depression has become worse.
You know what sucks? Exams coming soon next month. I can’t even try to study because all I do is freaking purge all day and there’s that little voice in the back if my head that’s afraid to speak up trying to snap out of it and just be me. But you see I don’t even know who me is anymore.
Today I’m losing it. My depression really has gone worse. It’s becoming hot over where I live however in the night the temperature drops. And fuck who can sleep in the cold night? I have a heater duct and my family leaves it on everyday however today they don’t want it on because they get hot. Then take of your freaking blanket off! My room is small and gets cold easily and I have a small bed. My family all sleeps together too!! What the fuck!! That’s my mum, my dad and my brother. So of course they’ll get hot in the night and yet they don’t think about me!!! Had a fight with my parents about it and I’m now in my room crying. I hate depression -.-.
But overall I am depressed about everything in life except the fact I actually have a life. It’s just unfair. It’s unfair I have to go through this. I already had enough torture when I was young and I don’t need anything worse!
Feeling fat and stupid is the worse especially when you’re suffering from anorexia. Fuck life.
I’m out.
Ciao~

Bananixox

Gravy & Potato

Not good. Definitely not good.
I gained weight by a bit. I feel fat. I look fat. I hate myself.
Today just a few minutes ago I just had dinner. This dinner I absolutely hate. KFC. Okay so usually I would eat chicken with coleslaw. But today? The fuck?! My mum gives me gravy and potato. I HATE GRAVY AND POTATO ESPECIALLY KFC GRAVY AND POTATO FROM KFC! DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS MADE OUT OF!? CHICKEN FAT!!
I had a fight with my mum but I gave in because at the end it doesn’t matter to me because I purge after every meal.
I’m out for now too frustrated.
Ciao~
Bananixox

FAT

What is fat? 

Big? Ugly? Huge? Large? Disgusting? Diabetic? Loner? Lazy? 

That’s all bull.

Stereotypical is the culprit. We’re all are in some way or the other and you know it.

You know what I hate about me? Even though what I said above about fat and being stereotypical, I still think I’m FAT. 

Today I feel really depressed. I don’t know why but I just feel…. what’s the word… .shit. Yeah I feel like shit. Excuse my language ^^.

I was just in the bathroom a few minutes ago brushing my teeth and I was looking at my stomach and I just went extremely down as in extremely depressed.

I hate the way I look! Why can’t I just be healthy and normally eat yet …… I really don’t want to say this word but … be skinny. It’s unfair that those who are naturally thin can eat and eat and not put on anything!

Screw everything and screw life. I seriously wouldn’t be surprised if I ended up committing suicide. ….But I wouldn’t be surprised would I? I’d be dead so no, I wouldn’t know if I’d be surprised or not.

Okay that’s enough for now.

Adios~

Bananixox

Still fighting.

Wow, it has been almost 2 years since I had my eating disorder and I haven’t gotten out of it as yet.

The only thing I want to do is lose weight. But I can’t since my parents are giving me high calorie food!

However I purge after every meal except breakfast.

I realized over the past 2 weeks so far that I have been gaining weight and I am defiantly not liking it!!

I’m actually quite angry and depressed. Yeah depressed. Really depressed that I just don’t want to do anything. I’m in bed right now because I’m depressed =3=. Tomorrow is the second week of term school holidays and I have not yet studied anything at all for my final exams all because I’ve been depressed!!!! (even though it’s like in November but it’s better to start early)

I’ve been focusing more and more on my body lately instead of worrying about other things in life. Eating disorders (anorexia) know if they have gained fat on some part of their bodies and then start to freak out like I just did today -.-. Other’s may not know the difference because well for starters they don’t have an eating disorder and they haven’t spend all their life time, everyday on their bodies.

My legs have gained fat and I just want to cry, and no I’m not sarcastically saying it I really mean it.

I’ve noticed that my Mum hasn’t been eating much or not eating properly. One morning she came up to me and said she lost weight and got scared that she started eating heaps. Bullcrap.

She’s probably happy she lost weight. She told me that she dropped down to 58 or 56 I can’t remember, but it’s what I used to be! I’m not happy at all with that. So I’m sticking to being underweight.

I sound selfish I know.. but I don’t mean to be T.T.

Why is life so tormenting -.-.

I’m out for now.

Adios~

Bananixoxo

UNFU*KINGBELIEVEABLE

So for those who have seen my recent post ‘Uh Oh..’ I have mentioned that I have spotted an active caries (cavity) on one of my tooth. I said that I couldn’t remove it and immediately started to freak out. Well guess fu*king what.

IT’S GONE.

FEKSIEBSIABAKAJAHSKS. Farout =.=. Gave me a bloody heart attack.

It’s not a cavity.

And here I was freakin out thinking what to do or how should I break it to my parents.

WHATEVER THAT WAS ON MY TOOTH … I SWEAR… It did a pretty good job scaring the crap out of me. Excuse my language.

I can breathe now.

Phew x.x.

You know what though? It really did get me to wake up and just make me realize that it’s a bad thing to purge. :L Nah Duh.
So now I have to be more careful. I’m going to buy mouth wash!

However it doesn’t stop me from purging. But it did get me to think. A lot. Gosh I was on the verge to just die on the spot! I need to stop purging. It is very dangerous and I knew that from the beginning. I’m still in recovery mode but it’s going to be a long journey well hopefully not.

Okay I’m out for now. I actually had purged out lunch out as soon as I found out it wasn’t a cavity but I kept tissues around my teeth lol.

Ciao~

Bananixox

Uh oh…

Just at 4am while I was in the bathroom (I tend to stay up late), I was brushing my teeth and thought to myself that I’ll have to quickly do something about my teeth that are slowly becoming yellow. As I finished up, I wanted to take a closer look at my teeth, when I did.
I came across something that I wish I hadn’t but if I didn’t then I’d be screwed.
I found a small brown spot on one of tooth!!!
Now I know what you’re thinking “it’s because you have been purging like everyday!”. I know that but how do I stop!?
At first I thought it was food just stuck there but it wouldn’t come off. So then I went on the net to check it up afraid of what may come up but I was expecting it. An active caries. What the actual fuck :(! Now I really don’t know what to do! The sad thing is, my mum directly told me if I end up getting cavities that she won’t take me to the dentist. But I think she only told me that to scare me. I don’t want to tell her, neither to my dad. I’m really scared and don’t know what to do. Should I email my psychologist? Does anyone know what I should do :'(?
I feel like crying and just giving up on everything. Now I’m scared of purging but I still have to even though I know I shouldn’t be!! I hate my eating disorder. It makes me do this.
I’ll have to somehow cover all of my teeth with something while purging :(.

I just need someone to talk to.
Help.

Bananixox

Stress

I seriously can’t stop. 

I can’t stop purging. Everyday I do it and I just can’t seem to stop. All the food that my mum makes just comes out. I tell myself I have to try at least give a try and see how I feel the next day. I couldn’t do it, I just have to purge. If I don’t, he will make me. By he I mean my eating disorder. I’m not sure why my psychologist told me to name my eating disorder but I came up with Steve. 

So I have been eating at school, only fruits though during lunch time, though I haven’t taken any fruits this week to school. My friends have been helping me throughout this and I couldn’t be thank them enough. Just proves who you’re real friends are.Though I’m still stressing about if I gain weight or if I’ll look like I have gained weight. I always compare myself to other girls in my school too and I hate doing that. Gah. You know what I really hate? When my friends eat. Their lunch just makes me go crazy. The smell of their food is like it’s punching me right in the gut. I can’t take it anymore. That’s why I get excited every time I go home so I can finally eat actual lunch. However, I then purge it out. I don’t want to eat, but I just want to get rid of the hunger inside of me. I don’t purge out breakfast though. 

Tomorrow one my friends is having her 18th birthday party. It’s going to be huge like 150 people. Now i have be worried about what I wear. I don’t want to show my body shape or my stomach. I’m going to the shops early in the morning to look for something I can feel comfortable in. I stress out too much.

On top of everything, my final exams are coming up and so is my year 12 graduation! All these assignments and test are coming up and I have no time to worry about them because I’m too freaking busy about my weight and body! What the hell!?

I really don’t want to disappoint my mum. She told me numerous of times not to purge and yet she keeps on catching me. So this time I have been very careful of my actions making sure when to purge at exact time. Life is hard. I just want to become a ‘sim’ so I don’t have to think about my actions when someone else can just control them for me. …. But then again… I am being controlled. 

Aish.

I’m going to head of now. Long day tomorrow.

Adios~

Bananixox