Wow, been awhile?
So, I don’t where to begin, Honestly I don’t. Though I can start by saying that I’m finally free.
Or am I?
I had been living with anorexia for around 3 years now and I can finally say that I think I’m free now. Free from the everyday living hell of terror. Yes I am still iffy on food but I still eat no matter what.
What’s new?
Well I actually been having a problem with my stomach and so I went for a colonoscopy at a hospital and oh my goodness, the anesthesia killed me. Worse pain ever D:! But other than that the doctor said there was nothing nasty in me so I was all good. Then what’s wrong with my stomach? Aha I don’t know, but it’s okay I’ll find out soon with my local gp.
Other than that, my liver is all good too :). So I’m happy that I’m able to be all healthy again however there’s just one thing.
My Mum.
You think she would leave me alone and let me eat whatever I want right?
Wrong.
The most frustrating thing.
She is constantly behind me telling me to eat this eat that. I’m perfectly fine but she doesn’t believe me and it hurts that she thinks that way. I don’t want to be reminded about my dark past but she keeps on reminding me by always coming behind me and calling me at a particular time to eat. Like farout.
I’m over my dark days. You think I want to destroy my body by going through anorexia again?
I’m not even allowed to exercise normally to be fit (not to lose weight!). Even my cousin, my grandma and my friends all think she’s gone crazy. She’s gone overboard. I could mention a lot of stories with my Mum and how she acts, but I’ll leave that for another time.
For now, ciao xx
Bananixoxo ~
Banani's Blog 
I think the most difficult thing for anyone who cares about someone with or who has had an eating disorder is the fact we ask them to watch us die. No matter how much they love us the numbers and bones and rituals rule our lives. So they stand by as if in chains watching a horrific thing overtake someone they love. We never see it that way. We are too consumed by the demands of our disease. I cannot imagine watching my sister drowned to death while I am stuck behind a glass wall and can’t get to her. But the disease is like that. It makes words and actions of those around us who are throwing us a rope all fall short. So when we start to heal and return to live through recovery our loved ones all remember standing at the grave….. They forget because of the fear and the pain that they can let go a little and gently be what we need. They forget to shift out of the fight for your life stage and recognize you have gained some strength and need support now…. Not CPR. It’s one of those tough things that are leftover scars from the war we went through. They in so many ways were wounded and need healing. They have just been in the desperate fight mode so much that they don’t know how to disengage from it.
With all that being said I don’t want you to feel like I am sticking up for your mom. What you feel now is real too. Perhaps a sit down talk with her might help? Or even writing her a letter to say all that you want to say so it all gets out without interruptions. You can tell her how you feel and that the level of support you now need is different then what you required before and that if she continues on this path it will only hurt instead of help. You can tell her it’s ok to breathe, though the journey won’t be easy even she will need to work through and heal from the carnage that life has left in the wake of this disease. Be honest. She is probably still fearful if she stops now that she will still be attending a funeral. Help her understand that forcing a person to obsess about eating when they just fought so hard to get out of that can be a trigger and do more damage then good. While it sounds like you are on the road to recovery she has yet to realize that the direction of your life has changed and so she needs also to change. I don’t know if this makes sense or helps at all. I know that when I went through recovery that is how it was for me. Everyone was hyper vigilant because they were terrified they might once again lose me. It becomes a learning and transition period for everyone. Everyone involved on some level will need healing. Keep encouraged and keep doing what you need to in order to get healthy. With time those around you will give themselves room to breath and realize there was no funeral this time and they can enjoy life with you now. Good luck!