Okay so the last few weeks I haven’t been purging. Just eating whatever I’m given. Like I’ve stated before I’m just going to get this over and done with.
I’ve been doing well, still whinging here and there about food but I have realized that my whinging about food has always been me from the beginning. I’ve always been fussy about food.
So yesterday was Christmas but my family and I didn’t get each other presents because, my Mum and I are going to New York on the 27th of December to buy for ourselves and for the whole family heaps of stuff (can’t wait to go!). Except Christmas was the worse yesterday (sorry Jesus). Food. Every holiday just has to have food.
My cousin, grandma and my aunt came for xmas lunch. I remember seeing my cousin …well she weight more than me (I’m most deffs not calling her fat just saying she weighs more than me). She’s only a year younger than me but when I saw her yesterday, a huge weight of anxiety and depression came over me. Since I have been eating the food my Mum makes me eat and not been purging I have been gaining weight about the 50kg’s (hate it but I’m fighting it) however I am still considered to be underweight due to my height. My cousin looked like she was the same weight as me. Her arms looked like mine, her legs looked skinnier than mine AND SHE DIDN’T EAT MUCH FOR LUNCH. I know she had like a stomach problem a few days ago but should be gone by now? It’s unfair.
My parents complain about my weight WHEN MY BROTHER IS MORE UNDERWEIGHT THAN ME. Reason? He doesn’t eat much of the main meals only junk. Eating mainly junk food can cause malnutrition. My brother only eats mainly junk food and doesn’t finish his main meals. NEVER. No he doesn’t have an eating disorder well clearly he doesn’t but is it fair for my family to fatten me up when I’m near my normal weight and to not care about my brother’s weight? When you look at him you will understand. He is taller than me too (which suck because he is 3 years younger than me -.-).
My Mum never gives my brother enough food. It’s because she knows that he won’t finish his food.
Depression can be a bitch.
I hate it.
I was fine until yesterday. It’s a boomerang affect.
I’m fine—Not fine—-I’m fine—-Not fine.
Meh. I’m out for my late shower. I need to distract myself :L.
So my last post I talked about how I was just going to eat whatever and get it over and done with so everyone can get off my back. Then later when I’m fully recovered, I can go back to eating whatever I want and not going back to the ‘stick skinny me’.
How has it gone so far?
Yeah I said it. It’s actually going okay. I’m eating without a fuss even though inside my head I’m screaming but I’m just eating and drinking and getting it over and done with. Even though I may still have those thoughts about my hate for food and my body, but I’m fighting it. My ED (I named it Steve) is completely angry with me. I can feel it. Of course I’m scared, what if he makes me do something even more horrible than purging?
Oh which reminds me……………………………… I haven’t purged at all after my last post ^.^.
I was so scared. So terribly scared because I wasn’t purging and I usually purge after every meal EVERYDAY. Having food inside me made me feel sick. However gradually as the day goes by, I realize I pretty much my waste whole day on just purging. Now that I have stopped, I feel… I don’t know still confused but I do know I’m more free. However Steve hates what I’m doing. Whenever I hear him shouting at me and making me feel depressed, I go to the one thing that can make me feel better. My bed. Sleeping helps me to block out myself out from reality.
So yeah, even though I’m still terrified of Steve, I’ve become much stronger than I was before. I am a fighter. And so are everyone who suffers from other disorders. It just takes time to realize you are one ❤.
Anyways…. MY ATAR SCORE (exam results in Australia, Victoria) IS COMING OUT TOMORROW MORNING … WELL TECHNICALLY TODAY SINCE IT’S PAST MIDNIGHT AND I’M FREAKING THE FREAK OUT. Well actually not that much. An ATAR score is just a number and I shouldn’t be scared. I mean I’ve been through a lot and well yeah still am so whatever my ATAR score is …I’m blaming it on Steve. My parents though said they don’t care to me about my ATAR score. All they care is me, me being happy and my health. Yeah that really hit me hard. But I want to make them proud of me either way. So I’m hoping to get into the course that I have chosen in University. Though if I don’t get it; here in Australia we are lucky because we have this thing called TAFE which is just like Uni but further studies. So if I go into TAFE, after I finish my TAFE course I can go straight into Uni. So yeah I’m not completely scared about this (ehehehe O.O but really…). But I guess you could say I’m lucky to have parents who mostly cares about me instead of some ATAR score.
Well fingers crossed everyone ❤. Wish me good luck ><!