I’m a coward

Last week was just horrible. Been caught purging and what not. I’ve talked to my psychologist about it and what she said really got to me. I tried to do what she asked me to try and do and I did but didn’t work out as well as I planned but I’m still working on it. You see I promised that I wouldn’t purge no more. But I was wrong. Still do it everyday just so I can maintain my unhealthy weight.
GAH I HATE IT I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!
The only reason my ED is making me do this is because of my yr 12 formal that’s coming up on Thursday. So I thought to myself well if my ED is going to make do this because of formal, then after formal is over, it’s time to take a step. And I mean one big step this time. I had it. Literally I had it.
But I’m still so confused…
You see I don’t want an eating disorder but I want to stay underweight yet I want to eat normally. See? I don’t know what to do.
Anyways, I’ve been given 2 weeks to see how I go and if nothing has improved then I’ll have to drop out of school and go to a day programming that will help me out of this disorder. So I’m fighting this. For my family, friends, and me.
I have to. This time it’s serious.
I’ve heard from a few people who has been suffering from an eating disorder and have decided to take the plunge and fight harder and it seemed it worked for them.
So why didn’t I do that earlier?
Because I’m a coward.
Simple as that.
Now if you’d excuse me I have to somehow break the tension between my mum and I since we had a fight just an hour ago cause I got caught again trying to purge. However I did something that I wouldn’t never thought I would have done. I stopped myself. I couldn’t do it. And I was happy that I did but unfortunately my mum came in the wrong time and I couldn’t explain to her that I had stopped myself. I only vomited out saliva only -3- so either I couldn’t purge properly.
Okay I’m gong to show my mum my result that I got for my English oral, a B+ :). And my report that I hid cause I thought it was going to be horrible but this years report for yr.12’s doesn’t show our marks so all good ^^. Fingers crossed that I can brake the ice between my mum and I :s ✌

Adios~
Bananixox

Advertisements

Crazy day

Oksy so long story-short.

Went for my counselling session and tried to do what I was told but that didn’t work out as well as I planned. I was to try and talk to my parents but my Dad completely shut me off and my Mum was just hard to get through to. Eventually they had found a bag of vomit in my room which was long over due from last week and yes I know disgusting. I tried to explain and ended up having a fight with them because they wouldn’t let me talk. All I wanted to do was talk to them normally. I got angry and very depressed that I began self harming myself. So I e-mailed my counselor and told her what had happened and that I have tried to put in an effort to try and talk to them and asked if she can try and talk to them for me if it isn’t any trouble for her. So yeah. 

I ended up not being able to purge because my parents were making me stay with them for 30 minutes but I still had purged after I was done fighting with them.

:\ I need serious help. My eating disorder is reacting badly enough.

I WANT ED GONE.

There I said it.

And it feels good and I’ll say it again.

I want ED gone, out, to be vanished, to die, to get rid of him, to throw out etc.

Well I’m tired so I’m off today.

Ciao~

Bananixox 

Caught red handed

Damn. Got caught.

My mum somehow rather found out that I have been purging. 

I kept denying. Now we’re not talking to each other, we had a fight last night about it. It wasn’t pretty. We were practically screaming a each other that I’m sure my next door neighbours would’ve heard us. She threaten to call the police on me. What’s that going to do? You know if she wanted to talk to me about it, she would’ve approached to me in a calmer way, like I think we need to talk not WHAT ARE YOU DOING! 

You see, eating disorders tend to react in a aggressive way at times when someone approach to them like what my mum did to me. It’s not our fault though. It’s our eating disorder that’s making us aggressive. Anyways, my mum and I aren’t talking and now tomorrow I have my appointment with my therapist. I haven’t told her about me purging as yet so I guess I’ll have to now. 

I’m not proud of myself for purging. I’m absolutely disgusted in myself. I hate it. I hate doing it all the time. I am being careful though. I know how the food we eat will eventually turn into acid, so I make sure to purge straight away before it turns into acid. Then I thoroughly wash my mouth. My teeth hasn’t gone bad because I haven’t purged out any acid from my stomach, and I don’t use my fingers to purge because that will leave marks on my knuckles, and I have formal coming up so at least I need my knuckles to look presentable okay. lol. Oh, that’s another thing. Formal. 

Next week on Thursday is my yr 12 school formal. I got my dress already damn expensive but I paid half from my birthday money and my parents paid the other half :). It’s a Sherri Hill dress ^^ … I’m getting off topic here. When I went to go try on the dress in the dressing room, the guy gave me a size…. 0, in american size. My mum’s expression went to 🙂 to that 😐 to this >:|. I was happy of course but not happy? I don’t know. So I eventually bought the dress and now freaking out that I may put on some weight. Pshh. Really? I’m really am insane aren’t I? Don’t answer that I know you’re answer. 

I checked my weight today. Gone down to 45 kilos. Back to square 1. 

Shit. When my parent’s find out, they’ll make me drop out of school and enroll me to that butterfly program. :\. Aish. What to do, what to do. 
Well I’m out for today, my mum has gone nuts and bolts. She’s even angry at my dad for some reason :s and she slammed the bathroom door too -.-. Teenage much? 

Ciao~ 

– Bananixox