Hitting me back.

Today I swear was quite depressing. 

I was going out for a walk with my dog in the morning and my parents and my brother were about to go out in the car. As I was getting ready to go, like putting on the chain on my dog and whatnot, I didn’t realize that my Mum was actually waiting outside in the car with the others until I leave. Because I took awhile to come out, she thought I was purging again. ARGH. 

I didn’t in case you don’t know the answer. 

So I came back home and I see I have a missed call from none other than my Mum. I can see she’s trying to talk to me again. Nah..i still need space from her. Frustration overload. 

I didn’t know what else to do today, so as usual I went back to bed. My Dad lad left to work already by then once I woke up at 3pm from my Mum to eat lunch. After lunch my Mum went out to do some grocery shopping. So that just left my brother and I and plus my dog ^^. 

No I wasn’t thinking of purging. 

Remember how I went to New York? The clothes I bought there I haven’t even tried on, I just took whatever was either small or x-small. So I decided to try them on today. Other clothes were fine however 3 things I didn’t like were 2 pairs of shorts and a pair of leggings. I mean I do like them but not on me. Okay I wasn’t THAT depressed but I was quite angry. I was being optimistic of myself then. I just thought you know when my Mum decides to let me go and doesn’t mean I’ll go back to my anorexia days, I’ll work out and have a fit, toned and healthy body. That’s my goal for this year. I never liked my legs to be honest even before I had an eating disorder. I guess I had early symptoms of an eating disorder back then. 

I became a bit depressed after that so I went back to sleep. I was awaken by Mum again for snack time -.- and then again for dinner time. 

Dinner time I think was the most awkwardest time ever. 

I was eating with my Mum in her room where the T.V was and I realize’ American Idol’ program has finally arrived to Australia. So as I watched it….the worse time I swear… This girl comes on and you know how the judges asks you what you have bee through and what not? Well this girl began by saying something like ‘it’s a battle everyday’, I’m thinking… please don’t say anorexia, please don’t- …meh… I was too late -.-. Battling with anorexia she said. FML. So awkward with my Mum sitting right next to me. But I went through it. 

After dinner as I was about to go to my room, my Mum stops me and she says ‘You’re purging again aren’t you’.

LIKE WTF. 

it’s like she’s demanding to be that I am purging so she can start something. Like I will say ‘Yes I am purging’. What do expect me to say! See what I mean? She won’t let go and keeps putting in my head that I am sick. And it obviously frustrates me. 

And so it brings me back here in my room. 

I’m out for the night.

Ciao~

–Bananixox

 

A new change.

So it’s 2013 and a lot has happened already!

Last year in December, I took off to New York with my Mum on the 27th and I have to say for myself, it was freaking amazing! It was so much fun and especially the shopping!! The people there are so freaking nice too. At first I thought people there were only being nice just to either get in my pants or to take my money or something but it wasn’t anything like that. I’m seriously contemplating whether to migrate there in New York lol. Anyways, I’m getting off topic. 

The food…. the food I was worried about to eat in New York when I arrived there, but again I was wrong. I actually ate the food without a fuss. Pizza, ice cream, donuts.. I ACTUALLY ATE THAT CRAP! I couldn’t believe it! I don’t know what happened to me, I mean of course I didn’t eat just that, I also ate fruits and other non junk foods. The food there was actually….. nice? 

Yeah.. wow. 

I was terrified at first but once I took a bite, I was okay with it. I guess being in New York was a lot over whelming for me that I just forgot about having to care about what I was eating. 

So when I came back home to Australia, I thought my Mum would let me start eating on my own like taking food that I like to eat this time. Also I wanted to start fresh, having a fit toned body :). Of course I’ll have to eat food to get that toned body, but again my Mum and I had a fight T.T. She doesn’t want me to do that as yet as she says “You’re still sick!!” she yells. 

You know I was really sure that I was out of this eating disorder or well about to get out of this disorder… but NO. My Mum and my Dad both keeps telling me ‘you’re sick, you’re sick, you’re sick!’. 

They keep telling me that I am sick, and so the more they say that I’m sick then I’m going to be thinking I’m still sick and not recovering. Does that make sense? 

I just wanted to start fresh you know? I just wanted to forget about the bad memories about my anorexia days. But I’ll never will if I’m stuck in this routine that my parents make do where they sit next to me and watch me eat and give me snacks after every meal.

I guess my New Year resolution didn’t happen at all. 

Well at least I have completely stopped purging. Now that I think about it, it was quite scary purging all the food that was in my stomach and how I did it. 

What do I do? I’m going to be stuck like this for a long time, I can see it. You know the sad thing is? I’ll be turning into an adult this year and still my parents aren’t letting me try on my own. They need to learn to let me go!!!!!

GAHHH SO FRUSTRATED O.O!!!!

Oh and I didn’t get the course I wanted to do in Uni which is okay because I’m doing a TAFE course so I can get into Uni later on and also to ‘get out’ of this mess I’m in with my disorder which I do think I’m almost out of. 

I’m out for the day….

Ciao~

–Bananixox