Gone crazy

I think I have been putting on a little bit of weight since I can’t immediately purge straight after eating because my mum makes me stay with her for an hour and a half.

Today I was really angry. After school, since I don’t eat anything during school time my mum makes sure to give me a proper lunch when I come home. I had a home made chicken pie with veggies. I ate it quite fast because it didn’t make me feel heavy at all or didn’t seem salty and what not. After that I had to have ice cream and it was so freaking cold today too! I had that and had to wait for an hour and half. I fell asleep thinking my mum would wake me up saying I can go, but she didn’t! She goes to get a haircut!! What the actual fuck?

You’d think my Dad would wake me up to =.=.

I wake up frightened by the fact if I couldn’t purge. So I went to the bathroom as fast as I could and tried to purge. Nothing came out.

I started to panic. I knew I had to calm myself down so I took a deep breath and tried to relax and just walk away from this. I couldn’t though. I just had to try one more time. So I did and I was successful enough to at least purge out the ice cream. I’m not so sure if the pie came out of me but I don’t know why I wasn’t that worried about it still being inside of me. I guess because it was a small and light lunch with veggies I suppose. I don’t know but I was still frustrated because I could have tried harder. 

Dinner was soon to be my next meal. It was KFC. Chicken with coleslaw and one small dinner bun. As I was eating it, I made sure to eat the least food that’s low in calores. So the lowest in calories would be still in my stomach in case if I can’t purge out properly and the the food that are the most wanted to be purged out would be eaten last. So I did that and finished everything. 

Argh, my mum then comes with dessert. A strawberry smoothie. Farout.

I drank that and again had to wait for half an hour. I fell asleep again and so did my mum. I woke then and on time and woke her up and said I’m going back to my room. I left. I don’t want to stay there with her -.-. 

Everyone else was asleep and I had the chance to purge. I kept on purging and purging however I don’t think it was enough but I couldn’t go on nothing would come out. 

After that I washed myself up all clean and took my medicine (anti depressant) and did some exercise this time. Something of what I haven’t done in a while now. Reason why I had stopped exercising was because I was purging a lot and I had lost more weight then and so I thought exercising wouldn’t have to be the case to do everyday anymore. 

But now I wan’t to try harder this time. 

My eating disorder is a monster. But his my friend too. 

I can’t let go of him. Has always been by my side. 

But sometimes he scares me. 

And I scare myself. 

I do what he says because he knows the best ways to make me feel better. 

But really does he?

 

I’m out for the night.

Ciao~

–Bananixox

 

 

Freaking the freak out

So at the moment I’m at my cousins place. My grandma lives with my cousins family. Because it was my grandma’s birthday, I had to come over at their place to meet her.
I haven’t been to their place since like at the beginning of the year. Reason why I don’t want to go to their place is because they serve food. I can’t throw a tantrum, I can’t run, I can’t do anything about it because these people would probably be frightened by me and wouldn’t want to see me no more.
I forgot to tell my dad to tell them I don’t want to eat. But it was too late.
My grandma was obviously happy to see me.

She then began .. serving food. Fml. I thought she wouldn’t come to knowing about my eating disorder, but I was wrong.

It was cake. Chocolate cake. CHOCOLATE CAKE. It was freaking CHOCOLATE!
I told her I didn’t want anything but she kept on persuading me to eat. Then comes my aunty saying but I have to eat because it was her birthday yesterday! I know it was her birthday but I’m suffering from a serious illness!! Do they not understand!?
I kept saying no and then everyone was on to me. I wanted to cry so badly. I was terrified and I’m still am. Then my grandma broke a small piece and told me to take a bite. I couldn’t do anything about it because everyone was pressuring me and plus my grandma was already trying to put it in my mouth.
It goes in my mouth. Chocolate. The small piece of cake dissolving with saliva. My heart races, tears brimming near the corners of eyes. I swallow. Down my esophagus it goes. Fml. Is all I can say.
I need to purge. I have to purge. But I can’t. My dad doesn’t understand how frighten I am. To think he’ll comfort me.

But I can’t hate my relatives.
That’s why it’s so hard to hate them for giving me a piece of cake.
Their too nice.

I hate my life.
I need help.
I’m too scared.
My ED is taking over everything I can’t enjoy anymore.

I’m out for now. Still at my cousins.

Ciao~

–Bananixox

 

I don’t know.

Wow, so much things had happened this week. 

Tuesday was just …insane. 

My mum called it quits for school. I refused. I wake up 6am in the morning as usual, got changed into my school uniform then I go back to bed (lol), and wait until my mum wakes me up again at 6:40am for breakfast. However she didn’t wake me up. I was prepared for this. If I started walking to my bus stop at exactly 6:50am, I should be able to catch my bus on time. So I walked out of the house to get to my bus stop. My mum then caught me and said that I’m not going to school anymore and she grabbed me. However I pulled out of her grasp and ran of. Wow..I was actually eager to go to school…. Anyways, so as I started walking my dad drove past and told me to get in the car. I thought he was going to drop me off to my bus stop, no he drives me back home =.=. 

So I had my breakfast in the end, then my dad dropped me off at my stop. Oh I didn’t have dinner the day before Tuesday for some reason. I mean no I wouldn’t eat but my parents didn’t give me anything that night, so whatever. Ain’t my fault. 

So we figured everything out, and my dad put hold onto my therapist which I wasn’t happy about because who else am I suppose to talk to about my problems to now :\? I hate having to keep my problems to myself because I tend to go to my ED (eating disorder) for comfort. I hear those voices in my head. 

No one wants me. I should run away from home. They want to make you fat. You’re hopeless. You’re not perfect. 

I can’t get it out of my head.

My ED has been a friend to me since the beginning of last year. It’s too hard to let go now. 

On top of everything, after talking it through to my parents about not purging no more… I STILL DO IT.

GAAH. WHY?! I honestly don’t know myself.

Aish.

I’m out for the night.

Going to purge out my dinner now :L. 😦 Ugh I really can’t be bothered. But I have to, Effs.

It’s an Eating Disorder rule. Well in our world it is.

–Bananixoxo 

Long time no post ~

Hey again.
So I haven’t been posting in awhile now. The reason?
Well let me start with what had happened since my last post.
-My yr 12 formal was a blast. I won best dressed as well ^^! I felt quite comfortable on my body however I didn’t eat anything that was served for dinner as well as the desert. Even people commented on how I looked skinny as well ^^. Except I know I shouldn’t be happy about that. My parents were happy for me as well :).

-My purging hasn’t stopped one bit even though I said I was going to. Ever since my parents had found out, I had to force myself to stop. I told myself that I’ll only do this until formal is over, however that didn’t go so well ^^”.
So parents didn’t know that I was still continuing purging.

-I became closer again with everyone again :). I was quite distant towards my parents.

-Later on though, I got caught on purging. I had to stay at least an hour after each meal which didn’t bother me because I can still purge.
I became distant again towards my parents especially my Mum.

-I lost weight again even though I was already underweight to begin with. I won’t lie. I admit that I am happy about it but definitely worried about my own risk at life and health.

I forgot to mention that my Dad had booked my tickets to New York during New Years Eve! Woop :D! Just my. Mum and I though, plus my cousin. Yeah =.= … I don’t know how I’ll survive with my mum, we’ll probably end up fighting every now and then. I was only eager to go on the trip with her because we were on good terms and now it’s just…. I don’t know -.-.
I guess we’ll have to see what will happen.
So my real issue here is how am I suppose to stop purging!?
My psychologist knows about it, but I kind of have been lying to her ><. Don't get me wrong I just didn't want her to feel as if her job is useless if it's not working what she's doing, if you get what I'm trying to say?

Ayia~
At the moment I'm at school, at lunch time. And no I'm not eating anything still during school. So here I am in the study room doing my school work -.-.

Well I'm out for now.
I guess I have been so focused on purging that I haven't had time to post anything lately.
Sorry if there's grammar errors I have no time to check.

Adios~!

–Bananixoxo

(my school work – logo design lol)