Okay so the last few weeks I haven’t been purging. Just eating whatever I’m given. Like I’ve stated before I’m just going to get this over and done with.
I’ve been doing well, still whinging here and there about food but I have realized that my whinging about food has always been me from the beginning. I’ve always been fussy about food.
So yesterday was Christmas but my family and I didn’t get each other presents because, my Mum and I are going to New York on the 27th of December to buy for ourselves and for the whole family heaps of stuff (can’t wait to go!). Except Christmas was the worse yesterday (sorry Jesus). Food. Every holiday just has to have food.
My cousin, grandma and my aunt came for xmas lunch. I remember seeing my cousin …well she weight more than me (I’m most deffs not calling her fat just saying she weighs more than me). She’s only a year younger than me but when I saw her yesterday, a huge weight of anxiety and depression came over me. Since I have been eating the food my Mum makes me eat and not been purging I have been gaining weight about the 50kg’s (hate it but I’m fighting it) however I am still considered to be underweight due to my height. My cousin looked like she was the same weight as me. Her arms looked like mine, her legs looked skinnier than mine AND SHE DIDN’T EAT MUCH FOR LUNCH. I know she had like a stomach problem a few days ago but should be gone by now? It’s unfair.
My parents complain about my weight WHEN MY BROTHER IS MORE UNDERWEIGHT THAN ME. Reason? He doesn’t eat much of the main meals only junk. Eating mainly junk food can cause malnutrition. My brother only eats mainly junk food and doesn’t finish his main meals. NEVER. No he doesn’t have an eating disorder well clearly he doesn’t but is it fair for my family to fatten me up when I’m near my normal weight and to not care about my brother’s weight? When you look at him you will understand. He is taller than me too (which suck because he is 3 years younger than me -.-).
My Mum never gives my brother enough food. It’s because she knows that he won’t finish his food.
Depression can be a bitch.
I hate it.
I was fine until yesterday. It’s a boomerang affect.
I’m fine—Not fine—-I’m fine—-Not fine.
Meh. I’m out for my late shower. I need to distract myself :L.
Decision has been made.
Today for dinner I tried hiding chicken down my top. My mum found out eventually. Had the worse fight.
She doesn’t care about me. Before you say ‘no she does, she’s just worried and scared about you because you’re sick’ … She told me herself.
Right now I’m in my room, on the floor, with my dog, with eyes puffed and a runny nose from crying.
My mum told me that she’s going to commit suicide. She’s serious this time. She has depression too which I got it from her, so she might do it.
I came to a final decision.
I’m just going to eat. (Crap, I’m crying again) I’m going to eat whatever my parents give me because you know why? As soon as I become the normal weight, I can then eat whatever and exercise as well. My parents said so themselves once I get out of this. I’ll go back to being underweight. But I won’t stop eating. I know what I did back then when no one knew I was anorexic was really …well quite bad. I won’t go back to being a stick to the point where all my bones will be sticking out. Just skinny/thin yet fit because I will be eating.
I don’t think I’ll talk to my parents. No. I won’t. I’ll just eat and show them how depressed I am by not talking. Yeah. I’ll do that. Well it’s not like they care for me anyways. So why talk to them.
I feel really bad for my dad, I mean of course my mum too but my dad has diabetes (wow I just realize how opposite this is. Me being anorexic and my dad being diabetic). Apparently my dad became really sick. Where he’s under the threat of losing an eye. I’m pretty sure everyone will blame me for everything. I won’t be surprised if they did.
Well yeah that’s my decision. After an year and well now nearly 2 years of being anorexic (even though I don’t look anorexic but I am underweight), I finally came to a decision to just eat because I will eventually start to eat my own food and exercise to lose the weight but normally this time. I will lose the weight. I will.
I’m freaking terrified but I’m going to do it. Just going to keep telling myself that once everything is over, I can eat whatever I want without anyone saying anything.
Okay. Well I guess that’s it. Fingers crossed for the best.
Leave comments? I wonder what you guys may think about this.
I’m going now. Not for my daily routine (purge, exercise and then sleep) But to just brush my teeth then off to bed to prepare myself for the days ahead. So technically, today at lunch where I had fish and vegetables, was my ever last purge. Because I won’t purge. No I can’t. I won’t. I will get what I want later. It will happen soon. I have to promise myself.
I hope you would wish me luck.
Okay then. That’s it.
–Bananixox … (S.DS)
So I haven’t stopped purging. In fact I think things have gone worse.
I think I’m putting on weight but then I lose it. My weight goes up and down. I’ve been literally been hating myself everyday. My depression has become worse.
You know what sucks? Exams coming soon next month. I can’t even try to study because all I do is freaking purge all day and there’s that little voice in the back if my head that’s afraid to speak up trying to snap out of it and just be me. But you see I don’t even know who me is anymore.
Today I’m losing it. My depression really has gone worse. It’s becoming hot over where I live however in the night the temperature drops. And fuck who can sleep in the cold night? I have a heater duct and my family leaves it on everyday however today they don’t want it on because they get hot. Then take of your freaking blanket off! My room is small and gets cold easily and I have a small bed. My family all sleeps together too!! What the fuck!! That’s my mum, my dad and my brother. So of course they’ll get hot in the night and yet they don’t think about me!!! Had a fight with my parents about it and I’m now in my room crying. I hate depression -.-.
But overall I am depressed about everything in life except the fact I actually have a life. It’s just unfair. It’s unfair I have to go through this. I already had enough torture when I was young and I don’t need anything worse!
Feeling fat and stupid is the worse especially when you’re suffering from anorexia. Fuck life.
Not good. Definitely not good.
I gained weight by a bit. I feel fat. I look fat. I hate myself.
Today just a few minutes ago I just had dinner. This dinner I absolutely hate. KFC. Okay so usually I would eat chicken with coleslaw. But today? The fuck?! My mum gives me gravy and potato. I HATE GRAVY AND POTATO ESPECIALLY KFC GRAVY AND POTATO FROM KFC! DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS MADE OUT OF!? CHICKEN FAT!!
I had a fight with my mum but I gave in because at the end it doesn’t matter to me because I purge after every meal.
I’m out for now too frustrated.
So for those who have seen my recent post ‘Uh Oh..’ I have mentioned that I have spotted an active caries (cavity) on one of my tooth. I said that I couldn’t remove it and immediately started to freak out. Well guess fu*king what.
FEKSIEBSIABAKAJAHSKS. Farout =.=. Gave me a bloody heart attack.
It’s not a cavity.
And here I was freakin out thinking what to do or how should I break it to my parents.
WHATEVER THAT WAS ON MY TOOTH … I SWEAR… It did a pretty good job scaring the crap out of me. Excuse my language.
I can breathe now.
You know what though? It really did get me to wake up and just make me realize that it’s a bad thing to purge. :L Nah Duh.
So now I have to be more careful. I’m going to buy mouth wash!
However it doesn’t stop me from purging. But it did get me to think. A lot. Gosh I was on the verge to just die on the spot! I need to stop purging. It is very dangerous and I knew that from the beginning. I’m still in recovery mode but it’s going to be a long journey well hopefully not.
Okay I’m out for now. I actually had purged out lunch out as soon as I found out it wasn’t a cavity but I kept tissues around my teeth lol.
Just at 4am while I was in the bathroom (I tend to stay up late), I was brushing my teeth and thought to myself that I’ll have to quickly do something about my teeth that are slowly becoming yellow. As I finished up, I wanted to take a closer look at my teeth, when I did.
I came across something that I wish I hadn’t but if I didn’t then I’d be screwed.
I found a small brown spot on one of tooth!!!
Now I know what you’re thinking “it’s because you have been purging like everyday!”. I know that but how do I stop!?
At first I thought it was food just stuck there but it wouldn’t come off. So then I went on the net to check it up afraid of what may come up but I was expecting it. An active caries. What the actual fuck :(! Now I really don’t know what to do! The sad thing is, my mum directly told me if I end up getting cavities that she won’t take me to the dentist. But I think she only told me that to scare me. I don’t want to tell her, neither to my dad. I’m really scared and don’t know what to do. Should I email my psychologist? Does anyone know what I should do :'(?
I feel like crying and just giving up on everything. Now I’m scared of purging but I still have to even though I know I shouldn’t be!! I hate my eating disorder. It makes me do this.
I’ll have to somehow cover all of my teeth with something while purging :(.
I just need someone to talk to.
So at the moment I’m at my cousins place. My grandma lives with my cousins family. Because it was my grandma’s birthday, I had to come over at their place to meet her.
I haven’t been to their place since like at the beginning of the year. Reason why I don’t want to go to their place is because they serve food. I can’t throw a tantrum, I can’t run, I can’t do anything about it because these people would probably be frightened by me and wouldn’t want to see me no more.
I forgot to tell my dad to tell them I don’t want to eat. But it was too late.
My grandma was obviously happy to see me.
She then began .. serving food. Fml. I thought she wouldn’t come to knowing about my eating disorder, but I was wrong.
It was cake. Chocolate cake. CHOCOLATE CAKE. It was freaking CHOCOLATE!
I told her I didn’t want anything but she kept on persuading me to eat. Then comes my aunty saying but I have to eat because it was her birthday yesterday! I know it was her birthday but I’m suffering from a serious illness!! Do they not understand!?
I kept saying no and then everyone was on to me. I wanted to cry so badly. I was terrified and I’m still am. Then my grandma broke a small piece and told me to take a bite. I couldn’t do anything about it because everyone was pressuring me and plus my grandma was already trying to put it in my mouth.
It goes in my mouth. Chocolate. The small piece of cake dissolving with saliva. My heart races, tears brimming near the corners of eyes. I swallow. Down my esophagus it goes. Fml. Is all I can say.
I need to purge. I have to purge. But I can’t. My dad doesn’t understand how frighten I am. To think he’ll comfort me.
But I can’t hate my relatives.
That’s why it’s so hard to hate them for giving me a piece of cake.
Their too nice.
I hate my life.
I need help.
I’m too scared.
My ED is taking over everything I can’t enjoy anymore.
I’m out for now. Still at my cousins.
So I haven’t been posting in awhile now. The reason?
Well let me start with what had happened since my last post.
-My yr 12 formal was a blast. I won best dressed as well ^^! I felt quite comfortable on my body however I didn’t eat anything that was served for dinner as well as the desert. Even people commented on how I looked skinny as well ^^. Except I know I shouldn’t be happy about that. My parents were happy for me as well :).
-My purging hasn’t stopped one bit even though I said I was going to. Ever since my parents had found out, I had to force myself to stop. I told myself that I’ll only do this until formal is over, however that didn’t go so well ^^”.
So parents didn’t know that I was still continuing purging.
-I became closer again with everyone again :). I was quite distant towards my parents.
-Later on though, I got caught on purging. I had to stay at least an hour after each meal which didn’t bother me because I can still purge.
I became distant again towards my parents especially my Mum.
-I lost weight again even though I was already underweight to begin with. I won’t lie. I admit that I am happy about it but definitely worried about my own risk at life and health.
I forgot to mention that my Dad had booked my tickets to New York during New Years Eve! Woop :D! Just my. Mum and I though, plus my cousin. Yeah =.= … I don’t know how I’ll survive with my mum, we’ll probably end up fighting every now and then. I was only eager to go on the trip with her because we were on good terms and now it’s just…. I don’t know -.-.
I guess we’ll have to see what will happen.
So my real issue here is how am I suppose to stop purging!?
My psychologist knows about it, but I kind of have been lying to her ><. Don't get me wrong I just didn't want her to feel as if her job is useless if it's not working what she's doing, if you get what I'm trying to say?
At the moment I'm at school, at lunch time. And no I'm not eating anything still during school. So here I am in the study room doing my school work -.-.
Well I'm out for now.
I guess I have been so focused on purging that I haven't had time to post anything lately.
Sorry if there's grammar errors I have no time to check.
(my school work – logo design lol)
Last week was just horrible. Been caught purging and what not. I’ve talked to my psychologist about it and what she said really got to me. I tried to do what she asked me to try and do and I did but didn’t work out as well as I planned but I’m still working on it. You see I promised that I wouldn’t purge no more. But I was wrong. Still do it everyday just so I can maintain my unhealthy weight.
GAH I HATE IT I DON’T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE!
The only reason my ED is making me do this is because of my yr 12 formal that’s coming up on Thursday. So I thought to myself well if my ED is going to make do this because of formal, then after formal is over, it’s time to take a step. And I mean one big step this time. I had it. Literally I had it.
But I’m still so confused…
You see I don’t want an eating disorder but I want to stay underweight yet I want to eat normally. See? I don’t know what to do.
Anyways, I’ve been given 2 weeks to see how I go and if nothing has improved then I’ll have to drop out of school and go to a day programming that will help me out of this disorder. So I’m fighting this. For my family, friends, and me.
I have to. This time it’s serious.
I’ve heard from a few people who has been suffering from an eating disorder and have decided to take the plunge and fight harder and it seemed it worked for them.
So why didn’t I do that earlier?
Because I’m a coward.
Simple as that.
Now if you’d excuse me I have to somehow break the tension between my mum and I since we had a fight just an hour ago cause I got caught again trying to purge. However I did something that I wouldn’t never thought I would have done. I stopped myself. I couldn’t do it. And I was happy that I did but unfortunately my mum came in the wrong time and I couldn’t explain to her that I had stopped myself. I only vomited out saliva only -3- so either I couldn’t purge properly.
Okay I’m gong to show my mum my result that I got for my English oral, a B+ :). And my report that I hid cause I thought it was going to be horrible but this years report for yr.12’s doesn’t show our marks so all good ^^. Fingers crossed that I can brake the ice between my mum and I :s ✌
I was freaking out yesterday. My mum and I went to a mall and practically shopped till we dropped. It was heaps fun except I had to have lunch there. Now here’s the thing, yes I don’t like eating in front of others unless I don’t know them so it was okay to eat at the shops, however I was freaking out because how was I suppose to purge straight after? I had a simple lunch, a sandwich with chicken and avocado. It was good but I so badly wanted to get it out of my system! So I told myself just to relax and just don’t drink anything and just wait until I get back home to try if I can purge out lunch. I ended up drinking heaps of water.
We also ended up staying at the mall for how many hours? God knows. It was quite big so my mum and I took awhile to try and figure out the way out. As we arrived home, I straight away went to my room, took my spare tooth brush that I use to purge, and took out a bag to throw up in. As I was about to purge, my brother and my dad calls from their holiday overseas on Skype =.=. So I answered and tried to end the conversation but then my mum comes in to talk to them! Argh.
After we finally ended the call, my mum keeps interrupting me and then she comes with yoghurt, my afternoon snack! That’s when I just gave up on purging lunch and just purged out the yoghurt. I checked my weight though and I’m still underweight so I guess it was okay to not purge out lunch. I’ll admit, it wasn’t that big of a lunch.
I sound mentally sick, yes I know. That’s what anorexia does to you.
I’m out for today, still in bed and sleeping in probably till 12:30pm.
P.S : I got my formal dress :DDD …. That’s another thing to worry about soon, formal.